a world removed

This time of year always puts me in a pensive mood. Because of the the way that my life has played out, August and September are always associated with my mind and change. Whether it is the change brought on by the start of a new school year, the end of a lease, or by a death, nevertheless, this time of the year has always kind of been a turning point for me. I have never been nervous about starting a new school year. As much as it marked a new year, I went to the same building my whole school career. I was never really awed by that allure of starting a new school, but I was still a little wary about the new faces and the ridicule that would be forced upon me. Yes, I was mocked a lot as a child. I was the total bookworm back then, and kept to myself. The one problem that I have always had (even manifesting itself in my Marine Corps career) is that I have always been picked on. It has not mattered that I kept to myself and never made any comments to anyone, I have always that easy mark to be picked on. Maybe it is because I am too easy going. During this past year, I have had many moments where I have wanted to stop being such a pushover and try to stand up and show a little backbone, but I have always just turned back into the wishy washy guy that I am now. My problem is that for me to change, I cannot do it gradually. A change to me is drastic, and something that I make over night. One day I will be a joking person, full of life and vigor, and then the next day I am standoffish and pretty much angry all around. I am happy with this second way, because I am a loner, and do not really like to be bothered by people. But, that is not really the healthy way of doing so, because then I alienate those around me. I need to learn to be firm, but joking.
Or, I could just say fuck it and alienate everyone. I may be better off the second way.

My biggest problem in my life right now is that I have hit a rut. I hate wasting my time watching t.v. shows and movies, but I cannot find that spirit within me to rise above this rut.

I just discovered that brings a smile to my face. I will have to save episode 115 of The O.C. for future refernece. Ryan has an experience with a person that I have had for the past year.

The thought for today: I may just go into a video game phase. Maybe I can find inspiration there.

There are lots of reason why I hate the Marine Corps. Some guys were passing around a document a few weeks ago about the 100 reasons why to hate the Marine Corps. Without a doubbt, there are more than enough reasons to hate the Marine Corps, and I could write one down for everyday that I have been enlisted.

I was going to go on a long rant about the Marine Corps, but I do not think that I will now. In the end, it is what you make it. These four years can be great, or bad, all depending on your attitude and the the strength of ones character. Anymore, I do not even know why I joined the Marine Corps. Oh I know the feelings that were raging through me on a daily basis that I let control me sometimes, but deep down, I honestly did not know the reason why. I would work in that store night after night, seeing other people enjoying life as much as they could, and truly hating the fact that I worked third shift and missed out on all the "fun". I was sold; hook, line, and sinker by the recruiter telling me about all the fun times that could be had in the Marine Corps. You add to that desire a want for "ladies", and there is all the mix that is needed to pack up and leave home. I remember how much I enjoyed and hated talking to Ashley and Stephanie when they would come to the store at nights. Enjoyed bacause they would actually spend time with me. But hated because I never had the balls to ask them out. If you would have asked me the reason why back then, I would have without a doubt claimed it was to gain confidence and pick up chicks. The years have made me wiser, however, and I do not believe that to be the reason. That may have been what my mind told me was the reason, but deep down, in that subconscious inner me, the reason was to better myself and to challenge myself. Whether it was the best way to challenge myself or not, well, noone ever truly knows what is best.

 I have grown way too complacent. The experiences from last deployment have put me in a very relaxed mood, and anything that is out of routine does not sit well with me. I have become a creature of routine, and have taken full advantage of my possiton. In the end, I know that I could do more, and I am ashamed of myself that I do not.

The thought for today: Dirty power is not good on electronics. The word for today: Defenitration. Yeah I spelled it wrong, and will give the wrong definition, but oh well. To throw out a window.

I have always enjoyed working the night shift. Whether it was working at the convenience store, or working out here, I find that there is a certian calmness that can be found in the still of the night. While I enjoy working during the night hours, I enjoy spending time in the night hours more. I have always found it relaxing to drive around either Lexington or Paris in the small hours, when all the hustle and  noise is gone. I remember my first real experience of being out in the night. It was the year that Gladiator first came out. I think that I went to watch it one night after Band practice. During the school year, for band, there would always be practices every monday night from 6:30 to 9 pm. I got the itch to go watch the movie one night, and so I did. I remember two distinct things from that nght. The first was walking out of the theatre at 1 o'clock in the morning, and then the next was driving on an empty Richmond Road. Ever since then, I have always cheished those first moments when I exit a movie theatre. I always appreciated the later showings, if only for the solitude that I gained. I greatly enjoyed being able to walk out of the theatre and have the whole parking lot to myself. It gives me the perfect opportunity to digest the movie and put things into perspective.

I get the wierdest feelings some time. Just now, I had to go use the restroom. I walked out, and it had gotten drastically cooler over the last few hours, and the wind started to pick up, and overall, it was a very enjoyable feeling. More than anything, I wish that I could just go out for a nice long walk right now. Although I went for many late night cruises over the past year, one thing that I did not do enough of was to take some late night walks. Over the next year, I am going to have to spend more time in the middle of the night at the beach and just walking around San Clemente.

The thought for today: I am getting more and more irritated by the people around me. When it comes to one person in particular, I am getting annoyed to the point that I just want to tell him to go fuck himself.

The Word for today: Procrastination. Nothing more than pure laziness.

Everytime that I walk by a woman, I start to control my breathing, waiting until she passes so that I can breathe in her essence. One thing that I have noticed is that no matter where she is, a woman almost always smells nice. I usually pass one at least once during the day, and that smell is so intoxicating. I think that we as males are ruled by that smell. Of course, for each woman it is a different smell, but some of them have that extra kick of intoxication.

I have started working a new shift at work, and I have not liked it since I started. I usually work the night shift, but I have had to mix things up a bit and now I work from 9 to 9. I don't know why, but when I get back to the room, I cannot staty awake. Usually within an hour I will be passed out, with the lights still on and not in a very comfortable sleeping position. I think a part of it is just that my schedule has changed, and it taking some time to adjust to it. Nothing new in that area for me. I remember how hard a time I had adjusting to the time when I went home on leave and when I got back. I definitely have a very hard time adjusting once I get off of my normal rotation. The worst part is that I want to go to sleep, but I just cannot force myself to. Instead, I just sit there watching movies. And even when I turn off the computer and the lights, I get all comfy in my bed, and then I just sit there staring at the ceiling, my mind refusing to quiet and get some rest.

The thought for today: I have been having very wierd dreams lately. The main one that I remember is that I am at an outpost and firing a .50 cal at enemies, and then having to run as planes pass us and we have to make it to another rendezvous point. And then my mind bounces to me getting married to a very short 17 or 18 year old. It is very weird, and I have no clue where my mind comes up with these things.

The word for today: Subtlety. The way to lead without being a fucking prick.

One of the things that I miss the most about being deployed is the ability to browse the internet. I am not suffereing as much as I was last year, but for someone who has become an internet junkie, it is hard to be away from fast internet. And the funny thing is that it has taken me getting deployed to actually turn me into a hardcore surfer. I am not sure what I did with all of my time before I deployed last time. I have no clue what I spent ours surfing, wasting my time on. After two years, I have a list of over 200 bookmarks that I have just randomly collected, and have not really filtered through yet. The funny thing is that I will collect these while at work, but because I do not have time to just sit there and surf and read, I will file them away and try to get to them later. While having internet in my cans is nice for moments like this when I just want to surf (when I should be asleep) and for the occasional YouYube video, the one problem is that it is too slow. In this age of instant gratification, it is too much to have to wait for a video to load. While I will sit through some of the more important things that I want to see, for the trivial stuff, i just dont worry about. And that really sucks. I tend to browse forums a lot, and a lot of the things referenced (new internet sensations) come from YouTube or other on demand sites that just take too long to load out here. But, one thing that I am glad for is a handy little program called Azureus. It is no secret that I go on music kicks every now and then, and for someone who is building a music video collection, Vuze is the perfect.

While I am on music, I wonder what makes me like the music that I do. I think there is a certain  infatuation that I have with Gwen Stefani that makes me sit through damn near every one of her songs and videos. And it doesnt really matter what it is, but I could sit there and wathc it over and over. But of course, I have always been like that with my music. There are just some things that I hate with a passion and will not listen to it, but then other things within the same genre that I like. I am a victim of the pop beats, and I am easily molded in some respect. Of course, there are limits to listnening to some songs. Driving across the country, I can only hear the same song so many times. One new thing that I have been doing recently is researching songs. So, a lot of time I will listen to songs or watch certain videos because of what I have read on them and they intrigue. Case in point: Dont Speak by No Doubt. I have come a long ways from listening to the gospel station while at Hardee's.

The thought for today: I kept my Dave Matthews Band cd's out on display for a reason. When the Dark Haired Goddess actually visited my room and made a comment, I really thought that it would lead to a more in depth conversation than it did. But oh well. On an unrelated note: changing shifts really messes up the sleep schedule. A qucik thought: I wonder what makes people continue to be my friend. I prove to be such an unthoughtful and ungrateful friend.

The word for today: Grattitude: The ability to thank those who have been kind to you. Perhaps I should stop being such an ass and thank certain friends.

The biggest problem that I face on a daily basis is wokring with my fellow Marines. Back in the states, we get time away from each other at the end of the day and then on the weekends. It doesn't matter how much their personalities piss me off, I know that i will get a reprieve from them, and it makes it bearable. That, and the fact that we do get away from each other, so you do not really notice all of their flaws. When you work with someone all the time, and are in the conditions that we are in out here, you tend to get irritated very easily. And it is always the small things. Those little knacks about a person's character that you wouldn't normally notice, but out here are brought to full light. And when you have to face those flaws on a daily basis, it is enough to make you hate those around you. For the most part, this hate is the main reason that going into work everyday becomes such a hassle. Of course, by noticing others' flaws, you are forced to face your own as well, which is never a good thing when you are arrogant and a Marine.

It is funny how one person leaving a shop changes the whole attitude of all those in the shop. Work will still get done, but instead of having a very stressfull environment and having to listen to an annoying leader who acts like a little kid, we get a little free reign and can do things our own way. That is the biggest flaw of my so called "leader". Instead of acting like a SNCO, he acts like a CPL, or newly promoted Sgt. Which would be needed if the majority of us in the shop acted like Boots and needed supervision. But you know what, I bet he would be surprised at how efficiently and smoothly we ran things if he were to step back and let us do our thing once and in awhile. Instead, it is a daily annoyance dealing with him.

The thought for today: I feel that I am letting some of my friends down. I am looked to for advice, and sometimes I do not have the answers. I only hope that I do not lead those around me down the wrong path.

The word for today: Productivity. Doing work to shut up a baby.

I do not believe that I went one day during my last deployment wishing that I had a better SNCO. I remember thinking that I could not have a worse leaership and that he made our lives so stupid and difficult. I never thought that I would think what I am about to type...but I wish that he was back now. Compared to the SNCO that I have now, I would suffer through two of my previous SNCO's at the same time. I have a whole list of things that I dislike about him, both personal and professional items, that when added up, make me hate him and every second that I have to hear his voice. I realize that a lof my complaints are of a personal issue, and have to do with my own pride, and it is somehting that I have to work on. But I am not alone in my hate and anger towards him. My biggest complaint is that I do not get yelled at...instead, I get lectured. I can take an ass-chewing and being yelled at just fine. But what I cannot stand is to be lectured on how someone is so better than me. I don't give a fuck that you stay there everyday for 16 hours. You are a fucking moron for doing so. There is nothing that important going on that you stay in there getting off because you respond to emails at a11 o'clock at night. Do you think that anyone cares that you are still at work that late? No. Everyone snickers at you behind your back for stupid when you should be in your room relaxing. Oh, but wait. I forgot. Obviously I have never been deployed, never worked those 14-16 hour days before, and as such, I need to receive lecture after lecture on how the only reason that we out here in iraq is to "work". If I have to stand through another one of his boring ass lectures, I will punch something after he leaves until my fist is covered in blood. He has this better than you attitude that is acceptable for a Cpl or Sgt, but for a SSgt is in no way acceptable. Every day I lose more and more respect for him.

Another problem that I have is that he talks and talks about how we are suppose to be "professionals" and that we need to start acting as such, and then he goes and does so many unprofessional things. He will make snide little remarks here or there that show him being nothing more than a childish boy. A true leader would approach others, instead of being a bitch and hiding behind his typing.

But enough of that. Ray says I am nothing but a whiny bitch, and that all I do is complain and complain. In this area, I am not the only one who has issues, though. I am probably one of the biggest complainers though. Much to my dismay, I complain a little too much these days. It is something that I am working on, but when everyday brings a new problem and a new hassle, it is hard. So very, very hard. In this battle with my own personal demons, I lose ground a bit everyday. I am looking for a firm footing, and doing my best. But I could do more.

The thought for today: As much as I may hate him, I know that I will look back one day and be thankful for all of the pain and hardships. I look back now and notice how much attention to detail I pay to certain things because of my past experiences. I know that I will benefit from this time in "hell" one day, but that day cannot come fast enough.

The word for today: Futility. No chance.

I really do mean to update this more often, but by the time I get to posting, I lose the interest to. This blog has really not turned into what I had imagined it to be. I had intended to use this as a sounding board and a place where I could go and fully express myself. But, I made a big mistake and I posted too many times in anger and "suffering", and I let it get out of hand. Instead of taking a true detachment, instead, I immersed myself in the torments and trials and dwelled way too much on such things. I really think that I have something to bring to the blogging atmosphere, and have fooled myself into thinking that I will be a great writer one day. I just need to work at writing a little more, and not be so dramatic and childish. Funny. I just realized that some of the things that I post are really childish and immature. I guess that it is only natural, as in many ways, over the past two years I have opened my eyes a lot. I was so immature and inexperienced in almost every that it could not help but show here. But, almost three years later, and I can honeslty say that I am ten times more mature and not as stupid as I was.

I am going to start something that will almost force me to make a new post more often. I wanted to start this last year, but I did not keep up with. At the end of every post, I will have my normal thought for the day, but now I will also start to include a word of the day. This section will have one completely random word and definition that sums up my day.

The thought for today: Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. I need to listen to more Elvis Costello.

The word for today: Fiasco; A complete failure.

So, I started taking my two college classes, and yeah, I can tell that this will be prove to be a mistake. I have no doubts that I will complete class without a problem, however, I do not believe that I will be taking any more online classes. I have never put much faith when people talk about the ways people learn (i.e. being a visual or oral learner), but I am beginning to. I thought that I would be better suited to take an online class, that there would be some downloaded videos and different ways to learn. But no, so far there has been none of that. It is all straight up read the book, look at some powerpoints, take some self-assessment tests, and then take the online tests. So far, I am highly unimpressed. Hell I could read books that we have in the shop and get the same amount of knowledge. By taking these classes, I expexted instruction and a little interaction, and all I get is just a book to be read. Suffice it to say, after these two classes, I will not be taking any more online classes. I am ashamed that my resolve is not as tough as I had wanted, but I am not suited for online classes. I am not smart as I want to be, and I need to be taught, not to teach myself.

So far, this deployment is flying by fast. It has taken a while to get adjusted to this deployment, but now that I have, things seem to be going better. Although I am the only one that works on my shift on most days, I still keep at it, plugging away, doing my job. I just wish that I had more time to research some thigs.

The thought for today: I see things that make me stop and take a moment to reflect. I see referneces to the past almost every where I look. It is funny how things fit together in life, how experiences from the past bring forth a distinct impression on the now.