a world removed

In the spirit of brutal honesty, I was scared to death two weeks ago. Having Mr. Green in the server room was my crutch. I cannot tell you how many times a Battalion would call, and I would have no answers for them, always referring them to my counterpart. Well, what was I to do when that crutch was taken away and I was left to sink or swim on my own? Could I do it? Or would I fail and fall flat on my face? I worried so much, that I am sure that I added a few more hundred gray hairs to my head.

And so, I was put in charge of the Server Room during the day. But not too worry, as with most things in my life, I was able to jump right in and start learning some things. I will not lie and say that it was an easy transition, but neither was it extremely hard. I believe that there is something within me that forces me to step up when I need to. When I am backed into that corner, and I am given really no other choice, I usually can rise up and handle situations pretty well. But that never comes easy. It was pretty rocky those first few days, I will admit. And there were many nights that I walked back to my room just wanting to run away from it all. But I could not. There really was no escape for me, and all that I had left to do was to take chances and actually learn a few things.

And the things that I have learned. I have encountered so many things these past two weeks, that my knowledge on how a network works has grown substantially. It is funny to think that just a few weeks ago, I would have had no clue what to do store wouldn’t mount, or services wouldn’t start. And forget about actually being able to get in there and take a look at different aspects of understanding a server. But now, I know where to look, what troubleshooting steps to take, and feel confident in many different aspects that seemed way over my head before. I am by no means an expert, and I doubt that I ever will be, but I can at least do a good job of holding my own.

This next statement is going to make me sound crazy, but after some thought, it fits me. I really wouldn’t mind staying out here for the next three years. I know that I usually talk about how I cannot wait to get back to the States and everything, but there is a certain calm to being out here. I have to deal with a lot of bullshit, sure, and the no days off thing is really getting old, but sometimes it has its perks. I mean seriously, back in the States, all that I would be doing is sitting around the shop all day, maybe going to class, and then just spending the rest of the time playing fuck-fuck games. By being out here, I am actually doing something that matters. I may not be making much of a difference in the over all fight, but at least I am learning and getting a better understanding of how networks run and gaining some very valuable trouble shooting skills.

And I worry about going back to the States sometimes. I will no longer be among equals. I fucked myself over in that area, true, but it is still going to be hard adjusting to a few things. And of course, me being the bitch that I am, I am going to take shit and just let people run right over me. Will I ever stop being that scared little boy? You know, the next three years will go by pretty fast, but I am sure that I am going to have to put up with some really dumb shit. If I would just conform and put forth a little effort. But no, that is too much to ask of myself obviously. I am just doomed to be the little bitch. And you know what the saddest part is? That no matter how confidant I am, I believe that people will always see that look of fear in my eyes, and they will feed of that. I believe that people can tell that I will always back down and that I truly have no spine. And they will use that to make me feel like shit and make themselves feel better. But oh well, it is just three more years. Holy shit, I will 27 when I get out of the Marine Corps. Holy fucking hell. A 27 year old little boy bitch. Just fucking kill me now.

The thought for today: Type and erase. I decided to start the day off on a good note, and not more depressing bullshit. So, for today, I have that “Beautiful Dawns” make life a little betters.

I know that I have said that I wanted to wait until I got back in the states to watch The Last Kiss, but I think that I have changed my mind. Believe it or not, I have been in a very contented mood these past few days. Life has shown me a few more things, and instead of dragging me down, like it normally does, it has put a little spring in my step. I know that statement sound gay as fuck, but it is how I have felt over the past few days. I cannot really say why either. It is not like I have had anything change over the past few days, if anything, it has only gotten a little rougher. But for some reason, life seems better.

Well ok. Fine. The truth of the matter is that the weather here has been perfect, and if not for the fact that this is the fucking desert, it would be even better. The skies have been cloudy, it has rained, and I do not think that it has gotten over 100 degrees. So, the weather is showing a marked improvement.

And I will admit it. I watched Garden State again. The other night, I was just in the mood for it. It was calling to me, if you will. And of course, I caved in and had to watch it. There is just something about the movie that I can associate with. I think that when you go away from home for an extended period of time, you expect something grand in the reunions when you return. For the most part, it is almost like seeing the place for the first time. So many things change that it is not the home that I grew up in, nor how I want to remember it. And so I keep going back hoping for that one experience that will change me and make life better. But of course, in order for that to happen, you have to go back without any expectations at all, and just in that moment to where you will allow things to happen. So far, none of the times that I have gone home have I been in that frame of mind. I would let things overrun me and lose sight of the things that I should be focusing on. But I do not think that will happen to me when I go home this next time. I should be able to take leave a few weeks after we get back to the states. And I am already forming a plan on what I want to do.

I think that I will buy a car in Kentucky. To me, I have less of a chance to get ripped off, and will be able to get a better deal as well. So I will spend a week at home, and then pack my bags and be on my way to Cali. I have never gone on an extended road trip by myself. The one time that comes even close is when I “went” to the Metallica concert by myself, which resulted in me getting about 30 miles away from Colombus, Ohio, and then turning around and going back to Lex, only to get a hotel room at the Mariott in Hamburg. And you know what? It was the same fucking room. To think, the last time that I was in there, the bed was covered in rose petals and candles were lit everywhere. How much difference a year makes. But anyways, for my trip, I figured that I would look at some maps and take a week to two weeks getting to Cali. Maybe stop in stop in Kansas, then make my way north to Montana and Wyoming. I at least want to see Washington state, and then drive south through the east of Oregon and then spend a night in Vegas. After that, it will be a short little hop going to California, and be back at the daily grind again. I think that will be a good way for me to get back adjusted to life again. And of course, it will just be me by myself. I am sure that I could find a friend or two to go with me, and then they fly back home, but that requires me to ask, and that is not something that I am can do. “I am weird man”.

The thought for today: Hopefully I don’t waste all of my money  on gas and hotel rooms in the process. But if I do, I am pretty sure that I will do a good job of finding myself on this trip, and so it will prove worth it. I also wonder how many times I will get lost. This could shape up to be a very intersting two weeks.

Wait for it. Wait for it. Almost there. One more word; one more well placed thought, and then I will have him. There goes the shoulders slumping, the lines of the face hardening, and, do my ears deceive me, or is that the sharp intake of breath. YES. Here it comes!! And now the dejected sigh and I have him finally. Welcome back bud, it has been awhile, although not too long.

Oh, I suppose that I should introduce myself. Many of you have only heard of me, whispered to your friends in hushed tones as you try to understand. And then to the others of you, I am an old friend, albeit not too good of a friend, but one none the less. I am simply Depression. That deep, dark, inner part of you that comes to the surface and consumes you and takes over your life. Many people I don’t even try to go after, as they are a hopeless cause to me, and will never give me the complete satisfaction of ruining their lives. But no worries, for as many of you that are impenetrable, there are more than enough of you poor saps who fall all too easily, and give me great satisfaction. And any time that I need a lift, I know exactly where to go. Right here. This dumb fuck always falls so easily, anymore, I don’t have to do anything, but just sit back and wait. His mind is fucked up enough to where Depression comes as a natural course of life.

For four years I have been here by his side, hiding in the corners when I was forced away, but always ready to pounce when the opportunity presented itself. And, oh, I got him good this time. Right now, he is making love to me, allowing me to sink my nails into his back so deep, that it is going to be a goddamn effort for him to come out of this. I have to tell you, that in all of these past 4 years, I have never seen him this low. I almost feel sorry for the poor fuck.

Yeah right. Who am I kidding; I love every minute of this. Why can’t he see that he is only doing it to himself? He looks around and wants to shake his fist at the sky and blame the heavens and whoever the fuck else, but in the end, he has no further to look than himself. In battling his personal demons, he gives up so easily, that I have to give him some credit. I am really surprised that he is still around. Most people at this stage are either alcoholics, drug addicts, or suicides. But him, well, he is just a work of study. He is too much of a pussy to be addicted to alcohol (he hates the taste), and hates getting laughed at, so drugs are out of the question. And far as suicide, again, he is too much of a pussy and fears pain too much to actually do something. What a fucking fag. I am almost thinking about giving up on him and just letting him go his merry way. But I just cannot. He is too easy to goad into this darkness, and I truly enjoy every moment of it with him.

No. If he wants out of the darkness, he is going to have to go and find the light. I want to see him step up and actually start to be a man, and show me that he is worthy of living. If he fails to do that, then I will just torment him further. And believe me, I know every point to bring up to make him lament more and more. I know the perfect sweet spots, and it is such a delight to watch him fall deeper and deeper.

The thought for today: I am such a fucking loser. If you exist, you arrogant fucking deity, well then fuck you. I fucking hate you and wish for eternal damnation now. Prove your fucking self and just end it now. Let the lightning come down and strike me where I stand!!! Yeah, I didn’t think so, you asshole.

A is for age: 24
B is for Beer: Miller Lite draft
C is for Career: Computer networking
D is for Your Dog’s Name: Not a dog person
E is for Essential Item You Use Everyday: My thumb drive
F is for Favorite T.V. Show: Stargate: Atlantis
G is for Favorite Game: Chess
H is for Hometown: Paris, KY
I is for Instruments You Play: I use to play the trombone, and I want to learn the guitar
J is for Favorite Juice: Lipton’s single serve On the Go Raspberry Ice packets
K is for Whose Ass You’d Like To Kick: Not a person, but just old damaged computer equipmemt
L is for the Last Place You Ate: the Chow hall
M is for Marriage: I do not think that it is for me
N is for Your Name: Richard
O is for Overnight Hospital Stays: Never, I have always been healthy
P is for People you meet today: no one new
Q is for Quote: “Make the most of who you are, for that is all that there is of you”:
R is for Biggest Regret: December 13, 2004
S is for Sport: Baseball
T is for Time You Woke Up Today: 0617
U is for Current Underwear: PT shorts

V is for Vegetable You Love: Steamed broccoli
W is for Worst Habit: Biting my nails, and picking the scab on my ear
X is for X-rays You Have Had: Teeth
Y is for Yummy Food You Ate Today: Sweet and Sour chicken at the chow hall
Z is for Zodiac: Libra

Well, I turned 24 today. Another year has passed, and another age has come and gone. I got to thinking about something that I find interesting: what has been the theme of each of the 24 years of my life?? Below, are what I came up with.

Year One:                Birth and typical baby stuff

Year Two:                Learning to walk

Year Three:              The Blanket over my crib’s rail and the He-Man Sword

Year Four:                Kissing my first crush, Krin, and stepping on a needle at her house

Year Five:                                The move to Kentucky and starting kindergarten

Year Six:                  Meeting Nathaniel at the babysitter’s and sharing Teddy Grahams

Year Seven:             Fishing with dad in his boat

Year Eight:               Miss Ankeny’s 3^rd grade class

Year Nine:               Joining the Academic Team and crushing on Dawn

Year Ten:                 Beating up Roger and Josh

Year Eleven:            Moving to the Country from the city

Year Twelve:           Joining the Science Club to impress Cathy

Year Thirteen:         Finding Religion and becoming a Jesus Freak

Year Fourteen:        “Hit It” and the Botanist Dream

Year Fifteen:           Becoming a Vegetarian

Year Sixteen:           Wanting to be a Monk

Year Seventeen:      The Recluse year

Year Eighteen:         Fishing at night with Wayne

Year Nineteen:        Giving up on God

Year Twenty:           Getting Laid

Year Twenty-one:    Getting High and the Townhouse

Year Twenty-two:    My first year in the Marines

Year Twenty-three: The Desert Year

Year Twenty-four:   Will be to find out who I am

Like any other person, I have been through my fair share of events in life. Among some of my life highlights, those moments that I look back upon with fondness, are:

1. Hitting the game winning hit in baseball when I was in 6^th grade
2. All the fun that I had living on 19^th Street, to include all of the fights, the days exploring the abandoned where house, and baseball card trading
3. Going to Science Club Fairs, and actually doing pretty well
4. All of the Youth Group Events that I attended
5. My one and only trip to the Abbey of Gethsemane
6. Being in band
7. Working at the Iron Rail and Hardee’s
8. My first car

There are more events that I want to write about, but I want to skip them and go to the turning points in my life. Specifically, those dates over the past 24 years that mark significant changes in my life and have brought me to this point where I am today. Never mind. There are only two major events that have led me to where I am today:

1. October 19^th, 2001. I clicked a gave myself a birthday present that forced me to quit Brescia
2. The first day of the Ice Storm in February of 2003, when a proposition was offered that I did not turn down

Looking back, I seriously wonder where I would be today if I had not wandered how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence. What if I had stayed at Brescia, and pursued wanting to be a priest? Where would I be today? Would that life be better than the one that I am living today? How much life experiences would I have missed out on if I did stay at Brescia? Would I have even been able to hack it as a Priest, or would I have spent four years only to discover that it wasn’t for me?

And then, when I did give up, and I was doing my thing and working at Mac’s, how different would my life be if I had told her no. If instead of thinking only of my desires, I had manned the fuck up and refused what she was offering. Would I still be working there at Mac’s? Surely, by refusing, I would never have felt the need to run away, and as such,  I know that would not be here writing this at 1222 in the morning, not able to sleep.

And along with all of my other thoughts, I keep coming back to the burning question that I have been wondering for quite awhile now: where is it all leading. Every decision that I have made has lead to this point in my life, and I wander where else it will lead. What is there in the future that is waiting for me. Is it anything really grand, that the past experiences have prepared me for? Or, is it just more of the same loneliness?

The thought for today: I wish that I could enjoy a smooth beer today. But here is my toast to a full and happy year. May I strive to learn more about myself, and seek to better who I am as a person.Cheers.

There is one thing that being out here in Iraq has made me really cherish: sleep. The first weekend that I am back in the states, I think that I am going to take some sleeping pills and just sleep a few days away. I wish that I had been able to do so when I was home on leave. And another thing that being out here has taught me is how much I can deal with and how far I can push myself.
There is a plan that we have in place for our network out here that is due to be completed by the 1^st of November. For whatever reason, we have been dragging our feet over the past couple of weeks. Basically, we are making sure that all of the Battalions that fall under us have their own Domain Controllers and Exchange Servers. Well, I got the word on Saturday that I was going to be the one to go out to an outlying site to help them build their servers. Okay, no problem. So, I get there the first night (the site is only about a 15 minute drive from the front gate of Camp Fallujah, so it wasn’t that big of a deal) and started to set up the new Exchange Server. That was about the easiest thing that I did while I was out there. I ended up running into some interesting switching and routing problems, and some other stupid thing as well. That night, I got to bed around 2 in the morning, and was right back in the action bright an early on Sunday morning at 6. Things went all right on Monday, nothing too crazy happened, although I did get to clean out a couple of servers. Because of other circumstances, I didn’t get to go to bed until around 0500 that morning. After only a few hours of sleep, I was ready for a very frustrating day. I ran into some small problems that ended up being huge on Monday. I had one of the servers lose power and then crash on me, to where the users were unable to access their mail. Well, that problem went on all day, until I could get the new server built and up and running. After another long ass day, I finally got a few hours of sleep that night, and by the next morning everything was good to go. Needless to say, I had a rough couple of days and I definitely learned a lot more about computers and how they talk to the network.

I had more to write about here, but I am just not in the mood for it tonight. I keep asking myself two questions tonight: one, why am I such a bitch and always let people run right over me, and two, why am I in such a hurry. The answer to the first is that I am just a fucking loser with no confidence, who people see that and take advantage of it. And the answer to the second is that it is hard for me to contemplate anything less than pure virginity, and in my eschewed vision of whores, I fear that there I will out grow some things, and be left with someone else’s leftovers. To me, that just doesn’t sit well. How do you love and then just move on. What if it happens to me?? What then is left in Life??

The though for today: Sitting and staring at the wall does not ease my mind. I truly do not know who I am anymore. How do you pick up the pieces when all you ever do is break the puzzle apart?

I just finished watching season two of The Office, and so my thoughts are filled with the similarities between Jim and Pam and me and Miss Curls. One problem that I have is that I tend to avoid conflict, and as such, I leave a lot of things unsaid when I really, really want to say something. I believe that is the one guiding reason why I have been unable to let go of something that has lingered in my life for the last three years. Because no matter how much I try to convince myself of it, I don’t have that finality that puts an end to things. I will always wonder what could have been had I just been flat out honest and expressed my feelings instead of bottling everything up inside and running from them. Well, let me rephrase that. I know what would have happened. I would have been flat out rejected. But to me, that is a lot better than leaving things unsaid. I was the one who ruined everything, I know that, but if only I had taken that chance, and fallen the full depth, then I know that I would not be hung up on her now. By not taking that chance, I never faced the ultimate rejection, and when it comes to her, I really needed that. I needed either one of two moments from her. Either the Jim and Pam moment where I just tell her and expect something in return (be it rejection or something else) or that Love Actually moment where I just tell her without any want for something in return and walk away being able to get over her. Either way, I should have spoken the Fuck up, grew some balls, and taken a chance. I definitely would not be so hung up on her now if I had ever heard her tell me to just fuck off.

Have you ever had those days where you just feel the need to have a nice, cold drink? Yeah, today was one of those days. Oddly enough, it was about this time last year that I had the same exact feeling after another full day of stupid bullshit. But of course, last year, I was able to go down to the PX and buy some beer and go back to my room and enjoy a few beers with my roommates. What I would have given to have had a drink tonight. It was just that kind of day. Me, the Asian, and the Attacker had to clean out a Quad Con so that the another shop could put there shit in our Quad Con. It was all right, as it gave us all three a chance to get out of the shop, and that is always a good thing. After that job was done, we had to go through 20 UPS systems and get the serial number. Not that big of a deal, but these fuckers are fucking heavy and it sucked moving them around. But, we got that done, and then went about the rest of the day. We knew that we were going to have to move the UPS’s to go get them taken off of the CMR, but we were really hoping to do it tomorrow. Surprise of all surprise, we had to do it today. But this time, it was only me and the Attacker who had to move the fucking bitches to a Humvee. I don’t even know how much they weigh (definitely enough to hurt the back of a person), but it was a relief to get them loaded finally in the truck. After that, it was a quick trip to the DRMO lot and some fun.

I am definitely going to have find myself a junk yard when I go back home. Some place where the owners do not mind if I take a sledge hammer or an axe and just go ape shit on the junk. When we go to the DRMO lot, we kind of just threw the junk UPS’s out of the truck, and then we set to business of releasing some anger. I will be the first to admit that I have at least 4 years of bent up rage and hate that is just begging for a release, and nothing satisfies that thirst more than taking a sledge hammer to some equipment all Office Space style. Type and erase. I do not think that sharing the thoughts that I just wrote will help me any. But, there was nothing better than focusing all of my anger on smashing that equipment tonight. All of this anger and hatred that I have built up in me that never finds a release, well, it saw some light tonight that is for sure. Although it wasn’t nearly enough. I am seriously thinking about making a weekly trip to the junk yard about once a week to let off some steam. Yeah, I may not be able to express my feelings in words, but by god with that hammer in my hands, I make up for it. Hell, I may as well fail at everything if releasing anger feels this good.

And now, onto the main event of today. It looks like the stormy weather stuck around again today, and decided to unleash hell all at once. I am talking a fucking sand storm complete with torrential rains and a thunderstorm. Since it got dark, it had been lightening on and off, like it was threatening to storm. Well, I had just left the Battle Square and was on my way home when the flood gates opened. I am just lucky that I wasn’t too far that I couldn’t turn around and go back. At first, it seemed like it was going to be a minor sandstorm, and I thought that I could get to the room in time. About 10 yards later, I realized that I had better turn back. Sand was swirling everywhere, and I could not lift up my face to see where I was going, the dust was that bad. It stung my face and my eyes too. Somehow I crossed the street, and it was then that I decided I had had enough and was going to go back to work and wait it out. That was the best decision I have made in quite some time. No sooner had I gotten into the Data Shack, than it started to storm like crazy. For a good half hour, it rained like crazy. It is kind of funny how I was just asking for this yesterday. It would have been perfect, except for the swirling dust and the sand storm. Perhaps I should be more specific in what I ask for.

The thought for today: This was a day of lasts for me. I have always been one to build things up and do a lot of things one day, only to tell myself that I would no longer do them again. But for the first time in my life, I believe I have hit that rock bottom, and now I have no choice but to force a change. Fact: Friday, October 13, 2006 is the day from which I will forever judge myself. This is the day of the birth of who I am and who I want to be. I will forever be held accountable for who I am after this day. Everything else is nothing but failure and lost causes. What happens in the future I can only blame on myself, and nothing else. I decide my Fate and will do a complete overhaul of Me. If only it had come earlier. Fuck Life.