a world removed

Well, I just had a unique experience. I went from the typing mood, with my hands itching to touch the keys, to the unable to think mood, where I just sit and stare at the screen. I am Chasing Cars right now, and I am getting nothing. Not to worry though,  I Will Make this Go On Forever.

One of the things that I am really looking forward to is getting home and ripping all of my music again. I made a huge mistake in buying the Gigabeat. For someone who hates proprietary software and hardware, I sure did pick the right company /sarcasm. The truth of the matter is that the player’s built in room sucks, and keeps crashing. I know that there is a firmware update for the player that is supposed to fix this (or at least make it so that it doesn’t crash as often), but I am in fucking Iraq and cannot download it. More than likely, I will end up buying either an iPOD or another mp3 player. I am so not happy with the player right now. When I get back and go home on leave, the first thing that I am going to do is to start burning all of my music to my laptop so that I have a copy of it all on my laptop and can have the glorious Windows Media Player play the shuffle for me. One bonus of buying an iPOD is the fact that getting it and getting it setup to play in my car will be a cinch and thus my drive across America will be that much better.

So, I mailed most of my stuff home today. For three packages it only cost me $60.00. I got a weird look when I said that I did not want to insure my laptop. I couldn’t get it through the person’s head that it was my old laptop, and I really do not care what happens to it. But I did insure my DVD’s and CD’s for two grand. Hopefully, they get back to my parents’ house without any problems. It would be devastating to lose six years worth of movies and music. Well okay, okay, it is only three years worth. A true story, I had to sell about 50 DVD’s four years ago. iFriends is bad, very bad. And the honest to God (see it is capitalized) truth is that all I did was watch, never, ever touch. I was a curious little 19 year old, and sat enraptured in front of the computer screen. I gave up college for that?? Holy Fucking Hell I should be shot.

The thought for today: So they killed the Tyrant. I guess that means that it is time to go home now correct? Yeah right, we are never leaving this fucking country. I feel like having a rant like the one in 25^th Hour. Fuck this and fuck that….but most of all fuck me, who had everything, but threw it all away. 25 days left. I cannot fucking wait. Tomorrow comes the post that changes it all.

I have been feeling very, very, very wistful lately. I have been rolling some ideas around in my head, and I really want to put them down on paper, but every time that I try, I cannot find the words that make sense to me. I need to find my Muse. Every great author, poet, and playwright has had one. And that romanticist and classicalist in me begs for an experience like that. I really, really, really want to write, and believe that I can be a good writer, if I can only get over this hump of the initial few paragraphs. It is in those first lines that i fail. I start to describe things, and then it always sounds and looks stupid, and I usually quit. I play stories over and over in my head like movies, visualizing everything that happens and reliving them on a daily basis. Anymore, I want to be able to write not because I believe that people will read it, but because I want to relive the stories that I create in their original form, without having to go back and try to remember them. I have so many things going through my mind, that when I latch onto a story and go through it, by the time that I go back to it, it has altered greatly. I want to be able to expereience the raw and inchanged original story so that I can go back and see how it has changed and whether I like the new change or the old one.

The thought for today: Will I ever find her?

I am very happy right now. Extremely. I do not believe that I have felt this happy in quite a few years. And to think, a simple little piece of put together circuits and a nice GUI interface is all that it takes lol. I am currently playing around with my new laptop, transferring files over, and getting everything setup exactly the way that I want it. I will just have to be a little careful, because the last time that I started messing around with organizing my files, I said bye-bye to year’s worth of documents that I had typed. Remember that post? So, a little caution will have to be used. But I think that I learned my lesson last time. If anything, I will just keep copy the files over and not cut, and then when I know that I have everything setup the way that I want it, then I will delete those files. Depending on how fast I get everything setup tonight, I might install some Warcraft III and have some fun killing some Orcs.

Addendum: While everything was transferring over, I went ahead and installed Warcraft III, and had about a good two hours of play time. The keyboard is a little differnt than I am use to, and it will take some adjustment, but other than that, it was perfection. And now I have a free harddrive to use to put more stuff on. Yay for me.

With the change of the New Year that is coming, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I really, really want to take a real hard look at who I am, and basically strip myself down to nothing, and then build myself back up. I really do not like who I am right now, nor is it who I truly am deep down in my core. The truth of the matter is that I really have no clue as to who I am. I didn’t go through an easy transition from the want to be Monk to what I am now. I kind of just did a 180 and said fuck it, why not. Looking back, I kind of wish that I had been a typical teenager and did more in high school. But I have played this hand, and it does not help looking back too much. Instead, I need to focus on the key elements of my life, and who do I want to be. There are certain aspects of my life that I just will not be able to change, certain characteristics that I just will not see. I will probably end up talking to those around me and have them tell me when I do something that they do not like, or that is annoying. There it is; the key word. I can be very, very annoying, and I want to get away from that. Over the course of the next few days, I am going to do some thinking on four major areas of my life: Personal, Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. I am going to use these four areas as the focal point for the next year. These will be the four areas of my life that I strip down and will always be conscious of. I think that this next year will be my loneliest quietest one yet. I had meant to use this year as kind of that quiet reflection that I have been craving, but the stress and stupid bullshit have just been too much for me. With this next year, I will be back in the states and able to truly focus on some areas of my life that I just do not have the patience to deal with out here.

The thought for today: I have to be really careful over the next year. Sometimes, when you stare into the darkness, it stares back. I want to penetrate to the deepest parts of who I am and find what makes me tick. That will be my goal of next year. Answering this question: Who am I?

My laptop finally came in. I have already opened it up and taken a look at it, and I cannot wait to get back to the room and get it set up perfectly. So far, I am impressed and believe that I have actually picked out a good laptop. Now, I just cannot wait to get back to the states and do some surfing with it lol.

I had post yesterday, and the combination of the cold and the wind over the last couple of days adds up to me feeling pretty shitty right about now. I head is pounding, my noise is stuffy, and I just feel weak all around. I would like to thin of myself as invincible on some days, that I never get sick, and I have the immune system of a robot. However, it is good to be reminded that I am only human and to remember what it feels like to be sick.

The thought for today: Just a short post today. I am working on my New Year's resolutions, and I should have those posted in another day or two. This next year will be the year that I answer one question: Who am I?

This has to be the hardest time of the year to be away from home. I was gone two years ago at Boot Camp and it didn't affect me all that much, but this year it kind of is. I have realized how important some things are in Life, and how truly fragile life can be. I will strive to never take things for granted again. I can make no promises on this, because I am merely human and I all too often fall short in Life. But, I will try very hard to keep true to this. I never again want to experience that feeling of having not saying enough or not spending enough time with those you love. More than anything else in my life, I regret the fact that when I was home on leave, I did not spend at least one more night with my grandmother. Looking back, I realize that I should have let her cook me one more meal. It hurts knowing that I will never again taste her Chicken and Dumplings, vegetable casserole, and mashed potatoes. I sincerely thought that she would still be alive until I got a chance to visit home again.

The thought for today: I am so sorry. I will try to show the same love and devotion that you showed me to my parents, and any future family that I have.

I first fell in love with the movie when I was in 5^th grade. My teacher at the time, Mr. McLaughlin, was retired from the Army and loved to show us in the class all the old movies. Movies like Gone with the Wind, White Christmas, and of course It’s A Wonderful Life. I was probably the only person in my grade, no; scratch that, the only person who ever went through his class who loved those movies with a passion. Since then, it has been my own personal tradition to watch the movie every year. Back home, it comes on about 2 or 3 times, and I usually catch one viewing of it. About 4 years ago, my parents bought me the VHS tape, and while I haven’t watched that yet, I did buy myself the DVD a few years ago. For awhile, I used the movie as a justification for my life, always wondering what would be different if I had never been born. The movie makes the point that a generation could be changed by taking one person out of the equation.

Upon closer examination of the movie this year, I realized that one person really doesn’t make a difference in life. It is all by chance that things happen, and had one person never been born, then events would have worked out different for sure, but people would not have been put in the same circumstance in the first place, and so the whole original events change from the beginning. There are some things that would change, obviously, but is there anything that would be earth shattering that makes a life truly worth anything? The thought that I always fall back on after my viewing each year, is whose lives have I affected? I would love to be able to look back and say that without me in the world, this event or that event would have been different. Even to go so far as to say that I have saved touched someone’s life. That was kind of my basis for wanting to be a Priest, to be that guiding force for people’s lives. Since then, that question has kind of been hiding in the back of my mind, coming into focus at the end of every year. I don’t look at it so much the same any more, as that focus has shifted from caring if I make a difference in people’s lives as far as providing guidance, to wondering about making a difference to suit my own happiness. I guess it is only natural to want to look back and know that you have affected someone else’s life, that one person in the world is thankful for the actions that you have done. At least it is natural for me.

I have stated before how I have always wanted that perfect Garden State moment. Well, I believe that desire stems from my watching the movie all these years. Because in truth, I would sacrifice a lot (a whole lot) for that perfect “Lasso the Moon” moment. I ache and yearn for that perfect meeting with someone out of the blue, but then I also want that kind of relationship that builds for years. The only problem with the latter is that I am too impatient to wait. Facing my own mortality has me wanting things now. It has had me wanting that for a few years now. Hence why every thing that I have done in the past five years, I always rush into, and regret.

The thought for today: I followed that thought a little further into bleakness today. I have found out one answer to Life. Curiosity is the mind killer. If you can quell the curiosity, then you can survive. You may still wonder on some days, but then on others it will not matter. You just need to have more happy days and less curious ones. I cried at two points of the movie. Tears form so much easier when you actually care about life.

The saying in the Marine Corps is that: "there ain't no party like a working party because a working party don't stop." Whenever there is something that need to get done, we in the Marine Corps form working parties to go out and do the job. There are all kinds of working parties when travelling out here to Iraq, to load and then unload gear, there are working parties to pick up trash, to set up chairs for events, and for just about anything that you can imagine. I had just the luck to get picked for one today. There is a new Army unit moving into a section of the base, and for some reason, the Regiment is bending over backwards to kiss their ass and make their move here as pleasant as possible. We have offered to set them up on all kinds of Comm hookups and other things as well. Today, a group of about 9 of us had to go and set up new bunks for the new unit coming in. While I can understand why it is a good thing to do, because I know how disorienting it is to arrive here, I do not understand why we had to do it. Since when are we as the Marine Corps the bitches for the Army? Would they have done the same thing for us? Probably not. But there we are, out there in the fucking freezing cold rain building racks and doing stupid shit. Fucking Hell.

The one thing that I hate about the Marine Corps is that I am around a bunch of men. I am not used to that. I am used to working around all women, and so seeing men work together, I want to go back to working with all women. In the Corps, there are too many chiefs, each with their own idea of how things should be done, and who feel slighted if another idea is chosen over their own. I hate being in that atmosphere. I am use to working in that atmosphere where noone really cares and will just follow whoever. Well me, in the Corps, I cannot lead, and so I always follow. You would think that that would work out very well, but for some reason it never does. I have yet to find that perfect niche for me here. Out in the real world, I found that niche no matter where I went it seems.

When I worked at Hardee's, or the local Iron Rail Restaurant, I was always set apart because I never took breaks, and I was always willing to stay after my shift ended, even if it meant that I did not get paid for it. And then when I moved to the convenience store, I carried that attitude with me. I cannot tell you how many unpaid hours I worked there. To me, there were just some things that I could not get done when I was on shift. And I loved going into the cooler and organizing it, or organizing the back hallway, things that I just could not do during my night time shift. Truth be told, I miss Mac's. I had such a good thing there. I wish that she had left the store within my first year of being there like she kept saying that she was. But I would lose myself in organizing  the cooler the way that I liked it or the side hallway. I was an organizational freak back then, always going through the shelves and making sure that every thing was lined up correctly or that items were not misplaced...and plus I cleaned almost every night that I worked there. I started to slack there towards the end. I just didn't know a good way to tell people to not visit me. Although, I did have plenty of good conversations with Wayne, the Brunette, and with Rolly Polly. But those conversations also held up my work. And if you no me, you know that I should stood there talking to people, never saying "hey, this is fun and all, but I have to get going and do some work". I really did not think that I was that interesting to talk to, and thought that people would get tired of coming in all the time. But for some reason, they never did. Instead, they seemed to visti more often. Interesting.

The thought for today: I am getting antsy waiting for my package. I don't think that I have mentioned the new laptop that I bought. If you are interested in seeing (really, who is??) my new laptop, check it out here. I paid a little too much for it, but it has everything that I need and wanted from a laptop, so it is justifiable to me. Now if it will only get here so that I can play around with it.

Why is it that I still have that memory still vividly stuck in my head? After 20 years, it comes as a surprise to remember that night and that triumph that I felt. And such a simple thing as well: riding a bike without training wheels. When I learned, it was at night, my dad had gotten off of work, and this was to be the night that he taught me. I remember that the lot our trailer sat in had a light pole, and that was the source of light. My mom was out there as well, taking pictures. I still have those pictures sitting at home. I believe that I will look back over them when next I am home. But anyways, such a simple thing, and yet it is such a highlight of my life. In the next few weeks, to show off, I rode down the street turning by handle bars hard on both the left and the right side. And yes, you are correct, I turned too far to the right, and fell off the bike, hurting my right hand and taking some skin off of it. That was not a good day. An interesting thought: I was always a clumsy kid. I remember falling off of this 2 foot embankment at my grandmothers house as a kid. Not once, but twice. That is the reason that I have a small bald spot on the top and back of my head. I could go on and on thinking about memories, but I won’t put you through that, at least not right now. Last year, right when I go to Comm School, I started to write down my life book. I started by going year through year of my life and writing down the important events. I kind of have this Thomas Merton complex and sincerely believe that one day people will read my life story and be interested in it. That is the narcissist in me.

Anyways, I have remembered something that I started about a year ago and that I will pick back up when I get back to the States. Ebooks. I am going to start actively searching for a good hand held reader, and then I am going to start going through those books. I will probably start reading David Copperfield again soon, and then from there I want to move. It recently occurred to me that I am never going to be comfortable going into a coffee house and using my laptop, but reading a book is right up my alley. Now, as long as I can find a good reader, I will be set. I really like Sony’s new reader, but I am not sure if it is going to allow me to put the ebooks on it that I want to. If I understand them right, then I can only put ones that I purchase on there. That is retarded to me. I need to find the perfect little reader that gives me the option to put the ebooks that I download on there and then read them from there. More than likely, I will end up buying a PDA that has the Windows Mobile OS, but I would rather not. I just want that simple drag and drop device that with a few clicks, I an be on my way reading. Oh, and if you remember my earlier problem with the ebooks, then rest assured that I have found a solution. The ones that are HTM formatted give the best results. Those are just a simple resize and then perfect reading. I just need to find a way to do that for the ones that are Plain Text formatted. I am odd, I know. How can I be so nit picky in some areas and then just let others slip through my fingers?? I still have not fully developed that total obsessive compulsiveness that I wanted to. Oh well.

The thought for today: Will you give your daughter an iPOD?

I had kind of decided that I was going to stop posting such abstract thoughts and actually write down what it is that I do on a day to day basis, but I actually find that hard to do. Is my day to day life really interesting? That question is one thing stopping me, but then the other is that the whole reason I have this blog is for the abstract thoughts. I have tried writing down the events of my day, and I always derail into another topic. Added to that is the fact that I cannot really describe things well, and before you know it, I get tired of the things that I am typing. I find a certain pleasure in the abstractness as well. I believe that the things that I write are good for me. Yes it is true that I write some things for the effect and the audience, but you can usually tell those times. But other times, no, now those are the real me (if there is such a thing) shining through. And plus, with all of this bullshit about OPSEC, I don’t want stupid shit happening and it be like “you need to be more aware of what you are typing” and blah blah blah. Fuck that. We already fight a smart enemy, and there is nothing that I can post about that they don’t know. There is a fucking map of the base on Google Earth, complete with latitude and longitude lines; there are reports of troop movement on every news station; hell, our own PAO guys report on specific units. So no, nothing that I post here will ever lead to any Marines ever getting killed. But, nonetheless, I will refrain from posting about things out here. I could post more about the life, and maybe I will. I am kind of feeling into it a little. We have been having some attacks on base lately, so those might be good to hear about.

I have been thinking about something lately. I am a narcissist deep down, and I love going through and reading my posts over and over again. When I get back to the states, I will probably spend one night going through every post from the past year and dissect them all. (Do not worry, I have not re-read our chats and emails yet. Chances are, I probably never will. Truthfully, I keep them around just so I can feel good about myself that I have 200MB in my mailbox, and not the 20MB that would be there. I should change the label name to Never Look Here.)

The thought for today: It is official: Make This Go On Forever replaces You’re Beautiful. I cannot relate to the lyrics, however, it falls in that haunting category as I love the actual music that is played. If I change the lyrics to suit me, it proves a nice replacement. I bet you would like to know those lyrics huh? Probably not, but that delusion reigns on. You know, it is funny, but half the music that I listen to, I cannot really relate to. But I find that there is a certain sadness in them that is appealing to me. Honestly, I have never truly experienced that great heartbreak. If anything, it has just been me moping over what I can not have, like a fucking little kid. Type and erase. Just know that I find within all of the sad songs that I listen to a vast hope. Beneath the surface, deep into the depths of the song, I find the answers to a few of life’s questions.

I was sitting hear and listening to some Snow Patrol, and I got hit with some raw emotion. Since I bought the Snow Patrol albums, I have not really listened to them all that much. Usually, a song of theirs would come on and catch me at the wrong time, and I would normally skip that song, going on to something else. But today, oh today, was different. The song "Make This Go On Forever" came on, and I was immediately hooked. So much so that when I go home on leave, I will plan my trip so that I go to a concert. I am not sure what band, but I would really love to see Snow Patrol, Dave Matthews, or a thought that just came to me, go see Les Mis again. The last time that I went, it was in Dayton, and was a pretty good trip. Unlike the Metallica concert, I actually went to this one (and yes, I did buy two tickets again, hoping to take someone else L). Alas, I went by myself, but still had a good trip. It was kind of eye opening for me in some ways. There are a lot of poor people who just hang out around downtown Dayton, and I was kind of scared to walk the six blocks through downtown to my hotel. I think that whatever event I choose to go to, that I will book a hotel far, but not too far from the event location, so that after the event, I can walk back to my hotel and enjoy the night life a little. I could do some bar hopping for a bit. Drink one or two at one bar, take in the crowd, and then go to another one. I am sure that going to a good concert will put me in the perfect frame of mind. And then from there, I can go back and do some staring at a hotel wall.

I am beginning to have a better understanding of how life works out. I can see how a year has changed me, and how I have grown and matured. A year ago, I would not have been ready for half of the music that I listen to now, and truth be told, I would probably not have liked it. And there is no way that I could have handled the shit from this past year. But a year later, and having experienced joy and then sadness, life and then death, I can say that I am at that point in my life where I am more perceptive and can Open My Eyes and truly see. I may hate it, but I see the benefit of going beyond my comfort zone, of pushing myself to my mental, spiritual, and emotional breaking point. While I have not been to the brink on any of these areas this year, I have at least stepped out the front door and taken a look around at the sky a little. I wonder what next year will bring.

The thought for today: It is the journey that makes you who are. The end is nice, but would not be the same without the struggles.