a world removed

Acting as the data liaison, I got to sit in on a very informative VTC (Video Tele-Conference) yesterday morning. The Colonel from one of the soon to be leaving Infantry Battalions had a meeting with the soon to be arriving Colonel and his staff to give him a brief of how life is here, and some of the things that they need to start preparing for. Overall, of course I was fucking nervous. Things never work out for me, and I was ready for the link to go down and have all kinds of problems. Thank the gods that everything went off very well, and there were really no problems. It is pretty damn sweet that we can dial up 29 Palms from the middle of a war zone and have clear picture and clear sound through a VTC. And today proved the cool things about data. How one minute I can be building computers, and then the next be right in the middle of the action, and coming in contact with the men who plan war. I mean, these Colonel’s rule this combat zone. They are the ones who make the decisions and are the leaders out here, and there I was, just listening to them talk, and praying that they had no complaints about the video or the audio. But like I said, the VTC went very well, and the Officer’s had no complaints, or at least none that they voiced or showed.

I have never been a huge fan of flavored coffee, opting always to go for just the regular blend. But that little trend is changing. While I still believe that the best coffee is by far still the Regular Blend, I think that there is a place for the flavored coffees; and especially the Millstone Raspberries and Cream. I have never been a big berry fan, and was skeptical at first of trying this blend, but I am so glad that I did try it. Me and my Corporal were trying to figure out what it tasted like, and then it hit us: Captain Crunch Crunch Berries. I swear. That coffee tastes like liquid Crunch Berries, and that is a damn good thing. So, I will have to check when I go home on leave and see if the local stores sell that, and if they do, it is time to stockpile.

I believe that I have some very serious issues. I got to looking at my music, and I decided that I didn’t like the way that it was organized, and so I spent about 2 hours tonight reorganizing all of my music. I didn’t like the setup that I did have (1-song) and so I opted for 01 song. Not that big of a difference, but it just looks better, and makes my lists appear more organized. Take a look at the difference. ( A small note on the pictures. To see clearly, click them twice to see each picture one at a time) Now doesn’t it look much better when it is organized?? I thought so.

I am going to try something new. I am going to experiment a little bit and see if I can somehow put in some HTML on the side bar. I am going to be getting rid of my books section (bummer, I know how many people really cared about that section) and am going to try to input a Facts of Life section, and a Word of the Day section. I don’t have much hope that I can get this done, but hey, I will try. I just wish that I could have that posted on all the empty space that I have on the right side of my blog. But as far as I know, I don’t think that I can change that space. I haven’t had anytime to fool with it out here, but when I go home, I will have to take a look at it and see what wonders I can work. If worse comes to worse, I can just post screen shots everyday of the new ones that are added lol. Never mind, scratch that. I will not post screen shots, because that just looks fucking gay for this little project. So, it looks like I will have to figure it out.

Edit on the HTML. I have no clue what I am doing, and my first attempt was a complete failure. So, I will just repost the Facts of Life everyday. I wish that there was someway to make it like a sticky so that it stays at the top always, but I haven'g found that yet. Oh well, I will just have to keep trying.

One more note for tonight. It looks like I am shit out of luck in recovering my lost journal entries. I either overwrote them, or the fucking hamsters are playing games with me, but I have been unable to recover those files. You should be proud of me, I actually worked up enough courage to go in there and ask my SSgt for his recovery software. But alas, I was still unable to recover any of my deleted files. Which pisses me off so bad. I feel again like I have lost an integral part of who I am. I know that I still have memories from the last few years, but on those docs I had some good thoughts and writing. I know that it is a good thing that some of the docs are gone, because some of them were stupid and more a waste of space than anything else. But then for others, those are feelings and thoughts that I used to sometimes revisit. It is good for me to remember the thoughts that got me to where I am today.

The thought for today. A vertical expression of a horizontal wish.

Coffee. For the past two months, I have stayed away from drinking coffee, thinking that I was fighting the better fight. I have never been a huge coffee fan (like those people who have to have a cup or more a day), but I usually enjoy a cup or two. Working at Mac’s, I never even drank any of the coffee that I made for about two years. And then I decided I wanted to drink some, and on one of my nights off I went out and spent about $80 on a good coffee maker and some supplies. See, that was the thing about working third shift; on my nights off, I would go to Wal-Mart or Meijer and just do some shopping. On a Monday or Tuesday night, I really had nothing better to do. I cannot tell you how much money I spent on stupid shit just because I was bored and something caught my eye. But, my coffee idea never did take off. I had planned to become a connoisseur, and to really get to enjoy the full range that coffee has to offer, but I could never figure out how to make it. Of course, I never tried more than once or twice, but still, I just gave up easily, and would only drink coffee at work when I was leaving, or on those long nights when I really needed to wake up. But I never became fully addicted, never really had a craving for it. That is, never until I came out here. When we first got out here, the Corporals would always have some coffee made in the morning and it was so enticing, that many times I almost took a cup, but I never did. And then just yesterday, I got a good craving for some. While I was working on a problem in the COC, a Gunnery Sergeant made a fresh pot, and oh did it smell good. But the kicker was today when Cpl. Dixson stole (oh, I am sorry, we are Marines, and as such, we acquire, never steal) the coffee maker from the NOC and made a fresh pot. It was time to give in and enjoy a good pot. And so, I think now I am truly addicted. I bought some creamer and some sugar today, and when the NOC takes the maker back, I will probably buy a new one from the PX. Either that or have my mom ship mine out here. Hmmmm. That sounds like a good idea.

It rained again today. Right in the middle of the afternoon, with the sun shining brightly, the sky just up and decided to let loose. It wasn’t that bad of a rain, more like one of those spring showers, where it is perfect weather, then it drizzles for a bit, and then goes back to the sun shining and perfect weather again. And oh the smell. One thing that I miss most about Kentucky is that smell right before a good shower. The whole air is filled with that smell, and you breathe it in with every fresh breath. I smelled that aroma today, and it was like sweet intoxication. I could have just basked in the radiance of it all, and was perfectly content right before the first drops started to fall. One thing that I will make it a point to do when I go home for leave is to enjoy an afternoon in the rain. I will watch the weather, find a nice day when it is calling for a light shower, and then plan a picnic. I will just go to some secluded spot, find a nice little clearing area, and then just sit down, lean up against a tree, and wait for the rain. I want to be there for the smell right before the rain comes, while it rains, and right after the rain quits. All three of which it has been far too long since I have fully experienced.

Wolf Creek. Why do I love this movie so much?? What is it about it that keeps me enthralled and I get that itch, and I just have to watch it. In the PX the other day, I almost bought it, even though I have it on order from Amazon. That is how much of a hold it has over me. But, Ackermann ended up buying it today, and he let me borrow the glorious movie. I am in heaven right now. I waited the whole movie for that one scene: Mick in the backseat of the car, Liz in the front seat, oblivious that he is back there and just puts the key in the ignition; starts the car, and then breathes a sigh of relief, believing that she will now escape the madman. And then the laugh. How much I wish that I could emulate that laugh. It was just as lovely as when I heard it in the theater 5 months ago. Then he stabs her in the back through the seat. Damn, I love that so much. Slice, slice goes the fingers and then we make a “Head on a stick” I watched that scene over and over about 6 times. I have waited months to be able to see that again, and it was very much worth it.

The thought of the day: Stab, stab, stab. “Now that was for fucking wrecking my fucking life, you Bitch.”

If you cannot guess what has happened by now, I guess I should fill in the gaps. I chickened out. When it came right down to it, I just did not say anything, and let him get away with it. All my thoughts of being pissed off just floated right away, and I opted for silence, instead of speaking my thoughts. I basically went out on trouble calls all day and didn’t stay in the shop for more than 30 minutes at a time. That was my way of dealing with it; just running away. And that was how I dealt with it yesterday, too. Just get away and not focus on it, and after a day or two you will be ok. Surprise, surprise, that is how I have spent my whole life. I had a lot of days like that back when I was working at Mac’s. So much shit happened there and so many times I worked up enough courage to say things to people, only to back away like a scared little child  and say nothing. But sometimes life is easier that way, when you cause no confrontations. I have learned that by taking no chances, I cannot fall. But because I never try, I will always wonder how many things I missed because I never dared to climb when the mountain was right there in front of me.

I am now down to only 2 roommates, and one for now as Fair is at the Forward. It seems that they have finally caught onto the fact that Harrison was a Cpl and that he was living with non-NCO’s, and so they moved him in with some other NCO’s. Which for the past few nights has left just me and Raymundo in the room. I at first thought that it would be awkward, as I know that I can irritate him. It is not that he and I don’t get along, it is just that I can be irritating sometimes. I remember when I first found out that he found me annoying that I spent that whole night trying to figure out my faults. One thing that I have always tried to do is to get along with everybody. I know that that is impossible, but I have always tried to be friendly to all, and it bothers me when the things that I do can irritate people, or people just don’t like me. But, so far Ray and I have gotten along pretty well. Over the last week it has gotten better, mainly because I have stopped talking as much. I have noticed that I can be real unapproachable when I am more outgoing. I tend to get that fuck it all attitude and don’t really care who I offend with what I say. It is something that I am working on. I am either too quiet or too obnoxious; I really don’t have any middle ground. Anyways, so one of the best parts of the last few days has just been talking to Ray. I usually don’t talk to people that much, but lately he and I have just come to this unspoken understanding, kind of like a truce between us. We spend some of the night just talking to each other. While I am watching a movie, or he is playing his games, we will start talking and then have a nice little conversation. I already know that he doesn’t like me, so there is nothing that I can tell him that will make my life any worse. And he is the same way. Both of us are pretty reserved as far as not sharing personal information with other people, and so we kind of just air out our personal grievances on each other. We usually end up just discussing music or books, with the occasional girl thrown in there. It is like we are each other’s shrinks.

The thought for today: A vertical expression of a horizontal wish.

Why do I care so much? There are things going on here in the data section that nobody seems to care about. Am I the only one who has a problem with 2 hard drives coming up missing and then being nonchalantly handed over. “Oh, I was told to do with them what I want.” Ok. So first, they are not the individual’s to give out like that. Sure, maybe for the shop to use, but not for your personal use to have two brand new 250 gig hard drives. And how about you tell someone, like a Corporal you arrogant fuck, you know, those people who have seen and done more shit than you. How about giving them a heads up so that if something happens in the future and questions are asked, they know what the deal is, and are not caught blindsided. But no, you just take because you can, and think that you can do what you want. Which so far, no one has said anything to you, and has pretty much given you even more reason to believe that you can do what you want. And second, THOSE FUCKING HARD DRIVES ARE FUCKING SECRET. You just can’t take a controlled government asset and use it for your personal use. Who the fuck do you think that you are?? Just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should. You are a fucking administrator on a government network. This is fucking war, not your play time to do what you want. And oh yeah. You bring in a personal computer and plan on putting that on the domain and getting the shit off of the share drive for your personal use. What the fuck?? And then don’t even think that you are doing something wrong. Oh hell no, you are not going to the Forward where you will be unsupervised. You don’t care about this network. You just got your time away from the fuck-fuck games in the MUX shop and now are out of your place. You need to be thrown back down, have your rights taken away from you for awhile.

And I know that it is hypocritical of me to be saying this. But the difference is that my shit came from a Corporal. I did not go out and reach into the cookie jar and take because I could. I was given it and did not have to sneak around and steal. And yes, I did use means to get around a firewall (which everyone has done, and I am no longer that holier than thou that I am the only one who doesn’t do things), but that was to check my mail. How much have you done that we don’t know about, and how many scripts have you stopped and how many computers have you fucked with? And worst of all. All these hookups that you have?? What the fuck did you give people that they want to help you out as much as they do. How many people have you hooked up with admin rights or installed certain programs for them. THIS IS NOT YOUR FUCKING PLAYGROUND!!!

But like I said, none of the Corporals seem to care, or ask questions. And it is not like we need him any longer. I will work 15 hour days happily to get him out of the fucking shop. I guess it is the fact that I really do not like him. Am I letting that personal dislike cloud my judgment?? Or do I have a legit reason for not trusting him. These are questions that I mill over in my head and strive to figure out. And another thing is how much of a wimp am I? I could yell at him myself, but I don’t. I am such a little pussy that I cannot yell at him or even try to assert my authority. I feel too helpless when I try to be confrontational. And so, I will definitely give my Cpl. The heads up and see what he will do to him, and if nothing, just let him go, then I will just have to go higher.

Today’s saying is one that I use to say a lot back when I worked at Mac’s and had those days that just made life horrible. “God damn you life. God damn you to fucking hell for doing this to me.”

            It has always seemed odd to me how fast moods can change, in particular my own. Just a few days ago, I was pretty down and really hating life a lot. But after today, I am feeling pretty good and actually not doing too bad. We have finally been granted some breaks at the shop and life doesn’t seem like the same old song and dance day after day. For starters, the schedule change finally got approved and we are now only working 10 hour days. About god damn time too, and a lot better than the 13 plus hour days we had been working. I was skeptical at the very beginning of today thinking that something was going to happen to fuck it up and ruin it for us, but as the day progressed I began to realize that this was doable and will hopefully work out very well. Of course, it is only fitting that the first day of a new schedule is hectic and crazy. From the very beginning, today was busy and it stayed that way for the most part of the day. It started with me having to copy 5 cds onto a computer for one of the COC guys. But why the hell he needs an S-4 program I will never know, but then again, I just install the program and then send them on their happy way. After that was done, I had to network a printer to some computers in the ISF hut. And of course, I took it the extra step and renamed all the computers so that they were named better and were a bit more logical. And it was at this point that the day started to pick up. We had 4 computers come in that needed to be built and made ready for the network. And on top of that, we still had about 4 or 5 trouble calls that we needed to get to, not too mention 2 new lines that needed to be ran. But not to worry, we just had to get to work and knock some things out. Before chow, I was able to get all but 1 computer built and the other Marine in the shop was out taking care of the lines. So that only left the two trouble calls that I had scheduled to do at 1500.

            After I finished those things that I had to do, it was time to go home. It was odd realizing that. For so long I was used to doing trouble calls and then going back to the shop to only face more calls, and more hours of work. However, now I was going back to the shop to get my gear, head to the PX and then go home for the night. It was a fucking great feeling. I have not felt that satisfied and fulfilled in a long time. Usually I go home all tired and just overall drained, but today I had a little bounce in my step and felt like a million bucks. But (and there is always a but), I also felt like I was leaving something undone, that by leaving earlier than a 12 hour shift I was doing something wrong. It is amazing how in the Marine Corps things tend to grow on you. Your job is your life, and as such any change in that equals a change in your overall life. Chappa had that same problem this morning. He came in an hour early, and didn’t really mind. At the time, I didn’t really understand why, but after the day had finished, I fully did. You trick your mind and your body into excepting one way of life, and it just refuses to except the change. The one day that I am going to hate more than any other day out here in Iraq, is the day that someone fucks up and the schedule gets put back to the 13+ hour days. And I know that day is coming. This is the Marine Corps, where someone always fucks up and ruins it for everybody else. And you know, the worst part is that it wont be a data guy who fucks the shit up. It will be a user complaining to one of our officers, going totally over our heads and screwing us over. Working a shorter shift means that when we do work, we have to be productive and get shit taken care of, which we did today. With no problems at all, and for the first time in a long time, at the end of my shift, all the trouble tickets were completely done. But I just have that gut feeling that someone will screw us over. Here we will be working ourselves as hard as we can during our shifts and have it all ruined by some jackass. I hope that that is not the case, but you never know. That is why everyday that I can work 10 hours I am going to greatly enjoy and not take for granted. And plus all the leave days are coming up, and I know that when they start in full swing we may have to go back to the 12 hour days just because we have don’t have enough bodies to allow for shorter shifts. But I will not mind it so much for that, as that will be out of necessity, but it will kill me if we change back because of some stupid shit.

          One of my roommates received a care package last night that really brightened up our spirits. It seems that an elementary school in Alabama has adopted him and has sent him an Easter basket (which we have not received yet) and a box full of letters. And the letters are just so cute. He read them last night and those little kids mean so well, that it is touching. They all wish us the best and have so many questions, and just so innocent and caring. When we were reading the first few, they kept mentioning some kid named Mikah, and we were thinking that Mikah must be a very propular little lad. Well it turns out that the little guy was the one who really pushed for his class to send the letters. So good on him. Have you ever read letters from a 5th grader before? They are definitely no Dickens, but there is a caring that comes through the letters that makes the day brighter. It is hard to explain, but just reading them last night, and hearing their innocence and complete care without want of return, that was heartwarming. It really helped to brighten my mood and get me out of my little funk. Although I swear there was one letter that a mother must have written, because I swear there is no way that an 11 year old has that smooth or clear handwriting. Neither of my roommates would believe, and still think that a kid wrote it. I will have to take some pictures of it and do a comparison, because there is just no way. But anyways, to the kids of Memorial Elementary School in Jasper, Alalbama, thank you from a grateful Marine. I will always remember the first time that I read your letter, and hold in my heart your caring and earnestness.

            Ummm yeah. So, I am going to have to retract my previous statement. There is no way in hell that I will pick up Corporal while I am out here, undoubtful if I will ever pick up at all in the next four years. And meritoriously??? What the fuck was I thinking. I lack (or should I say still lack and it seems always will) the ability to take charge and lead. Even if I do somehow manage to pick up, I will still be the same man who cannot talk to his superiors, doesn’t make eye contact with people, and overall cannot carry a conversation with people. I thought that I could branch out a little more and start to bridge the huge gaping hole that is my confidence, but alas that gap is just as big if not bigger than it has always been. I just don’t do well near people. I don’t know why, but that little boy inside of me always comes out whenever I have to address people, and I can never talk in a cool and collect manner. My mind just does not work in a present speech way. I can think about what to say, analyze it, and then give back a response, but this talking at regular speed thing is just out of my grasp. I don’t have that ease of conversation that would help me through situations, and I always freeze up and don’t have the confidence to handle situations which I have never encountered before. Oh, I am sure that other people have the same problem, but it always seems that it doesn’t affect anyone else as much as it affects me. I look at how other people handle situations, how they give off such a calm and cool air and know the answer immediately, and then I think of how I would have reacted in that same situation. Wait a minute. Maybe the problem is not so much that other people are not affected by the unknown, but that they man the fuck up and get done what needs to be done, whereas my pussy ass will still be sitting on the bench trying to decide if I should step up to the plate or not. Do you know how bad it is? I cannot even grow enough balls to go ask SSgt to borrow his recovery software. And he is one cool SSgt, and would immediately agree and ask if there is anything else that he could do to help me out. Here I have the means to recover something that I have lost and means a lot to me, but in order to accomplish that, I will actually have to confront someone and talk to them. I walk right by his shack every night, and every night I don’t go in and ask him for the software. How fucking stupid is that? And over something as trivial as needing a cd. It doesn’t get much worse than that.

            In other happenings, I am in an overall pretty lousy mood. My hopes of working a 9 hour shift will never be realized. Marines from Data have started taking their leave, and we have had one thing after another just pop up everyday, and there is no way we are going to get a lessening of the shifts. Which really sucks and does not improve morale at all. And adding to that fact is that the 13 hour days will more than likely end up being 14 and 15 hour days. Yaay. But a good note on that is that it looks like two of the Helpdesk guys are going back to the NOC and it will just be two of us working all day in the Helpdesk, which I like, believe it or not, because I always work better alone or with fewer people. It seems to make the time go by faster, and that is always a good thing.

            I just realized that my writing sucks. I have so many half sentences and fractures just stuck in there that tonight it was almost painful to reread it. And then I realize that my diction is very bad, and I use too many common terms and phrases. I should really start trying to write more fluidly and not so choppy. Yet another thing that I have to work on.

            The thought for today: I want to learn about the Endless Story.

          I think that I am finally getting back to reading again. For the longest time, I have not been able to read. I at first thought that I was losing my interest in reading, and was very disheartened about that. Reading has always been my escape from life, and just thought of losing that made me very queasy. But Cpl Graham brought up a good point a couple of weeks ago that has helped me be at ease a little. Basically, all that I do all day is deal with computer problems: and as such I have to think constantly, always wondering why things don’t work and solving the problem. Well after a full day of thinking, the last thing that I want to do when I get back to the room is read and do more thinking. As much as I enjoy reading, I want nothing more than to just lay down and listen to some music or watch a movie. Things that require little thinking, and will allow me to really relax. But recently, I have started getting really interested in some Anne Rice novels, particularly the Vampire Chronicles. I have always wanted to read them, but like a lot of other things in my life, I never got around to it. Ackermann has been doing a lot of reading and left one of his books at the shop: The Vampire Lestat. I am now hooked on this book, and cannot put it down. I love reading how she portrays vampires and just the overall story has taken me in and engrossed me. Plus, it does help that the her writing style is very sensual and has many qualities of the great Romantic writing, that can capture the full essence of what it means to be truly alive.

           One thing that I have missed since Comm school is the organized running. At the time, I never truly appreciated it and took it too much for granted. I know that this is going to sound weird and really stupid, but there is a certain smell that permeated the air right after a nice, long run. I miss the sweat soaking my shorts and shirt, and that sweat soaked aroma. I am not saying that I want to smell that at all times, far from it. But, after putting out and really trying in a run, it is something that is fond. Of course after about a minute I am ready to shower and change and cant stand the smell much longer, but for that one minute, life is good and I am truly alive. And let me tell you that nothing is better than that first long and hot shower that soothes the aches and soreness of my muscles. I haven’t had that feeling much lately, mainly because I am not pushing myself as hard as I should be. I have found that it is very hard to push yourself and put out past 100% when you run by yourself or in a smaller group. That is one thing that I need to start working on a little more. I need to start challenging myself and to push myself to the uttermost limits that I can take. For it is only at that point that I can truly see what I am made of and test the fibers of what kind of man I can be.

I got my second taste of the dreaded sandbags of Iraq. We had a freezer that was just sitting outside that no one was using and was just sitting there in the way. Well, the Syscon decided that something needed to be done about it and there suggestion was to put us in the Helpdesk to work. So, I got the lucky task of helping to carry about 60 sandbags 40 yards so that we could make a barrier around the freezer and keep the dust and sand out of it. It sucked and I was really pissed off about it at first, but it wasn’t that bad. The way that I got to looking at it is that a little PT is always a good thing, and what doesn’t kill you just builds better character. That is the one lesson that I have always learned and continue to learn during my stint here in the Marine Corps: stupid shit and hard labor build discipline and character. That is the way of the Corps. Damn the gods that I cant help but love and hate it at the same time.

I remember walking past this certain poster hanging on the wall in a hallway while I was at the forward. It was an M4L poster, or Marines for Life. At the time, I just thought that it was some stupid re-enlistment poster that was trying to get Marines to stay in the Corps. As you can tell, I never really stopped to read it or paid it much attention. But, it turns out that Marines 4 Life is actually a good kind of service. It helps Marines getting out to transition back into the civilian life by helping them get jobs and so forth. That may sound kind of odd, but you have to take into account our life style. I already know that I will have problems adjusting back to a civilian life. This life grows to be an integral part of you, so much so that you don’t even realize it until you are away from it. And after four years, it can be kind of scary adapting to a civilian life that is void of all the rules and regulations that come from the Corps. So anything that is there to help make the transition even smoother is definitely a good thing. Yet another resource that I need to keep in my mind when I go to get out of this beautiful institution.

The weather today went through many different stages: sand storm, thunderstorm, rain, and then back to sunny skies. When the sun came up this morning, everything was in this kind of orange haze. It is like we under a big dome and the light source was torches and it was being reflected back down to us from the clouds. It was really weird looking into the rooms of our little shacks, in that the white light given out by the electric lights made each room look brighter and more surreal like. It was definitely very odd to say the least.

Rivercity. Whenever a Marine stationed onboard Camp Fallujah gets killed, or there are casualties as a result of fighting, the higher command implements an order that blocks all outgoing and incoming communication with the outside world. Basically, on the data side, all we have to do is to type in a few commands on a router, and it is done. There are exception lists that you can put in, but that is only for the high ranking officers (majors and higher, and also a select few billets). And the funniest thing is that most of the people on the exception list don’t even use the Niprnet all that much. I had to go around and check to make sure that they could all send their emails and surf just fine, and a lot of them had an apathetic air, where they knew that they could do it, but just didn’t care all that much. Contrast that to a lower rank, and they would be bitching at us if they couldn’t surf the minute Rivercity took effect. But that is the difference between the ranks. Most lower ranks are young and have grown up with the internet ruling their lives, and it is hard to not be able to pop on when you just want to. That feeling is something that I have felt before, I will not lie. That knowing that the internet is right there, just within your grasp, and all you have to do is pop on there. You want to so bad. It doesn’t matter that when you couldn’t you were just fine. Now that you can, it eats at you and takes control. It is being a slave to technology, and I hate it. But the worst part is checking your email, and then not getting anything. Now that sucks.

    Lately things have been hitting home more than usual. The other day I got the chance to ride in and drive an AAV. While I was hesitant to do so at first, the SSgt at AAV’s would not take no for an answer, and all but forced me to do it. Two weeks ago, he hooked everyone in the shop up with a chance, and since I was out there on a trouble call, he made sure that I got the chance to as well. I didn’t hesitate out of fear of the vehicle or anything stupid like that; in fact I was really excited about it. But what got me was that I have never taken for granted the things that I have out here, and the fact that in a middle of a war zone, I have some nice amenities, and life isn’t as bad as it could be. Add to that the fact that there are other Marines out there on a daily basis who have to use the AAV’s and are right in the thick of things getting shot at and killed. How could I possibly want to take a joyride knowing all of that? To me, it would have been far better to wait until we get back to the states and then get the chance to ride one. But, to my shame, I did take a ride and didn’t forcibly say anything, thinking it would be better to just go with it. I tried to get out of, saying I had to get back and everything, but nothing short of telling them that I didn’t feel right about it would have stopped the SSgt. And so, I relented and hopped in and drove around for about half an hour.

    And then stupid shit like this happens: Marines Attacked, and I feel even worse. That happened a few miles right outside of the base, and those Marines were apart of one of the local units on the camp, and chances are I have seen them around either here at the chow hall or walking around the base. For fucks sake, they live in the same area as I do and use the same facilities as I do. And just like that, 2 of them are gone, never to return, and then the others will be forever changed. Not to mention the fact that like me and the rest of RCT-5, their unit just recently got here to Iraq, and already they are attacked. When it happened, things kind of went crazy around here. They needed blood donors at the base hospital, and things in the COC were all a mess. I didn’t get a chance to go down there and donate any blood, but from what I hear that people saw, I am not sure if that is a blessing or more of a disappointment at not getting a chance to help out some Marines in need. I say blessing only because I missed seeing the horrible affects of war. Some Marines who did go down there have talked about what it was like being there and seeing the wounded wheeled in and just being around that whole mess. And don’t forget about those who walked by a body whose chest wasn't even rising. That would have been something hard to digest and handle.

    Who are you, Murray, that you live while so many others are dying?? What are you doing with your life that makes their sacrifice worth anything at all? Will you ever earn the price that is being paid for your freedom, and will you ever do justice to the millions that have died before you? The last time that I watched Saving Private Ryan, I am not ashamed to admit that I cried at the end. When the dying Captain tells the Private to earn this sacrifice, tears come to my eyes; and especially then at the end, when the old man kneels down in front of the grave and asks if he has made his life worth so many deaths. Those scenes are powerful and moving, but I never understood the true essence behind them until now. And I truly wonder how much of my life I will earn. I always think of nothing but moving away to the perfect little hometown and having a nice job and all of that, but all of that means nothing when I am fucking joyriding in an AAV while Marines are outside the Wire getting killed. So go on Murray. Keep on doing your job, dealing with stupid users, complaining about working 13 hour days, going home at night and watching your movies and listening to your music. Just remember that your brothers are out there dying and will never hear the soothing sounds of their favorite music again, or feel the loving embrace of their families. But you just go ahead and surf the web, checking your emails and dreaming of tomorrow. Fuck, I feel so worthless right now. Who am I?