a world removed

Free eBooks

Oh my, my, oh hell yes. Since I was in such a good mood yesterday, I went back to my hooch, and remembered that I had a couple of cds that had some classic novels on them that I bought from eBay about 4 years ago. And sure enough, I had the Edgar Rice Burroughs Martian series on there. YES!! Oh, but wait a minute, it seems that I have to install Microsoft Reader, and then have it activated. Well fuck, that is not possible to do so on my personal computer, so I was fucked. And that is why they invented Google. After just 2 minutes, I found that the site that I used back in the states before to get over a hundred eBooks, now has the Burrough's books that I now wanted. Sweetums!! And now my happy ass is downloading the first 5 books. I am so happy right now. Sometimes the internet comes through for you.

The only thing that bothers me is that they are all in web formats. I want to be able to save them as a different file type and fool around with them a little more, so that I can make them true ebooks, and put them on a portable reader, and be able to read them like I want to read them. I just dont know if I need a certain program to do this, or if I can practice some mad programming skills to get this done. I so cannot wait til I can take some classes and get my hands dirty with some programming.

I am so happy right now.

For the past week, every morning when I go to take out the trash in the early morning, I have seen a bright star that is right by the moon. I dont know what it is, I dont know anything about astronomy, but I like it. I like to imagine that it is Mars, shining ever so brightly in the sky. One of the first fantasy books that I ever read, I got from my dad, and it was the books that he had owned since he was a kid: the John Carter of Mars series by Edgar Rice Burroughs. I fell in love with these books right away, and since then, they hold a special place in my mind and heart. I wish that I could just go into some dark cave, have an outer body experience, and then raise my hands in prayer to the gods, and get transported to Mars, where I can have adventures and daring swordplay. I want to be able to rescue that damsel in distress, form unbreakable friendships, and then fight my way across a planet fraught with danger to win the women that I love. I want that adventure with all its brutality and its dangers, forcing me to rise up above myself, risk my life for hers, and then at the end, claim her. I know that is putting her up on a pedastal and idolizing her, but with the Princess of Mars, you would do that. Treat her like that perfect porcelain doll, so fragile, and yet so strong. A woman to make you go weak at the knees, with but a single glance, and yet also give you life and the strength to face impossible odds with but the slightest smile.

You will have to forgive me, I am just in a very good mood tonight. I am feeling very nostalgic, and revisited those first feelings that I had when I picked up those books. I still get chills and goosebumps when I think of those books. I so wish that I had made electronic copies of the books, so that I could read them while I was out here.

Alas, it will just make those first readings when I get back home all the sweeter.

Clerks 2

The thing that I hate most about being out here in Iraq, is that I am going to be missing some awesome movies. And I dont just mean some movies that will be nice to see, I am talking about some life altering movies that make life worth living. X-Me, Superman, and Clerks 2. I want to see these movies in the theatres so much. Yeah, I can just get the dvds when they come out, but one thing that I have learned, is that there is no greater way to watch a movie than in the theatre. In a theatre, seeing everything for the first time is just better. Hell, I dont have to describe it, everyone these days has been to a theatre and knows what I am talking about. I never went to a theatre growing up. I remember going to a theatre twice before I was 16: once to watch the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie with the deceased Josh, and then again to watch The Lost World. Other than that, growing up, I never went to a theatre, it just wasn't on the agenda for my family. Once I got my drivers license, and was able to go places by myself, I went and watched a Bond movie, The World Is Not Enough, I think. I remember my feelings while I was standing there waiting for that movie to begin. That was the first time that I really went out to do things on my own, and it was a precursor to how I will always feel when I go out in public.
And shortly after I saw that movie, in the Fall of my Senior year, I found Gladiator. I watched it once at the great Regal, and then about 4 times after that, once at Regal again, once at Movies 8, another time at Carmike, and then the last time with my dad at the Kentucky Theatre. I really like movies in theatres. I remember how much I could not wait for Band to end back in those days. The nights that we had band were one of my only nights off of work during a week. And so, if I was lucky, I would get out around 9 at night, which would give me just enough time to rush up to Lexington and catch the movie. Isnt that funny. When everyone else was out doing everything with friends and other people, I was rushing up to the big city to sit in a dark room by myself and escape into my little fantasy world. But that is how my life is. In looking back, I wish that I had speant more time, or at least made an effort to hang out with the people that I knew.
Anyways, Kevin Smith is the fucking man. Not so much in movies like Dogma or Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but every other movie is right on. I watch Clerks, and I see myself. I have been there, and worked in that Convenient store, and felt the same things that Dante and Randal felt. The difference, of course, was that I had no balls and did not do anything of the things that they did. I wanted to plenty of times. But, I could never bring myself to do so. But it is funny how much of my character has changed after seeing his movies. Needless to say, I gained a lot better understanding of relationships and general life because of those movies. Subjects that were taboo to me before, suddenly had a new clarity, and it opened up a whole new world to me.
But anyways, this new clerks is looking to awesome. Kevin Smith made these Web Videos while he was shooting the film, and I downloaded all of them that I could when I was back in the states. I need to have a friend download the rest of them for me so that when I get back home, I can have them to fill out my collection. Downloading them here is not an option. In order to download the 27mb that each video is, it will take me at least 5-6 hours. So, it is definitely not worth it. I just hope that they dont get taken off the web before I get a chance to get them, because I really want to watch them, and then keeping them is a plus.

The thought of today: I know that you are dying to know, so here is my tally for Lord of the Rings viewings in theatres: 9 times for the first one, 5 for the second, and 7 for the third. And I even have the ticket stubs to prove it. Goddam, I am such a fucking loser.

Marines killing Iraqi's

More Marines practicing Murder

Maybe I was just blind to this when it first came out, but this is the first that I have heard of this incident. And it looks like it was covered up from the beginning and is just now coming to the surface because it looks like they are finding that tghe report may be true. Holy shit. From the articles, it sounds like they believe that this was a major coverup and that some SNCO's or Officers were involved. This is just very unnerving to hear of this, and serving here at the same time. It stinks of coverup so bad that it is not looking to end up very pretty. This is going to be one fucking huge stink pile of a mess. And of course, since shit roles down hill, this is going to come down on us and everyone else who comes out here ten fold.

Yeah, you wonder why we are going to be out here for a lot longer, and why it seems like we are never going home?? You just read why. Shit like this happens, and it just stirs the fire even more. Our role here has changed from all out attack and being on the offensive, to a strictly defensive mode. The only problem, of course, is that we are fighting an enemy that is still attacking us and still going after our throats. The worst thing in the world is to face an enemy that you cannot see, and not be able to just go kick in doors and shoot to kill. I envy those Marines who were out here during the beginnings of this war. Sure, they faced death a lot more than I do now, but at least they got to be out here kicking ass and putting it to the fucking assholes out there thinking that they can fight against us.

Here is a very bad side of me. I want, oh how much I want this, to just be able to tell the fucking Iraqi's to get the fuck out of this country. Anyone left here after a month, will forfeit their lives, as we will roll through and kill "every motherfucker running up the hill". Just take over this fucking dump of a country, make it U.S soil, and then kill any fucker who comes within range of a .50 cal. The gods know that we have lost enough Marines to the fucking cock suckers, and all just to preserve their fucking way of life.

The thought for the day: I hate this fucking country and all the fucking inhabitants. Burn them down, burn them all down.

Slowly but surely, I am lifting some old wieght off of my shoulders and removing some burdens that I have held for the past two years. I was doing ok there for awhile, but trying to gain some independence put a real hurting on me, and I have yet to recover from it. It is my own fault, because every chance that I have had in the past few years, I have sqaundered and only dug the hole deeper. But now, I am finally starting to put the dirt back in, and within two more months, I should be back to square one and have no heavy burdens that are sucking the life out of me. This feeling feels fucking great.

I now just have a few more chinks in my armor to work on. Ok, Ok, more like some whole pieces that are missing. But hey, I am only a human, and am stuggling to live as best that I can. I have made a ton onf mistakes and have only been making more over the last couple of months. It can just be so hard to live life some times. And I am by no means an expert. I have found that when I am that shy, insecure person, that yes, I am grumpy and very very quiet, but at least I like myslef a little more. I really do hate myself some days. I dont know where that middle ground is, and always seem to act out of who I really am. And who I am is really up in the air now. I use to have a good handle on my life, and never had any problems with that all elusive who. But then I went on a little tour to have some fun in life, and the core essence of me was lost. I am to the point now to where I know the person that I want to be, but every time I try down that path, I usually fall off right away. The path to the true me is befrought (I dont think that is even a word) on both sides with pitfalls, and I must, I stress must, gat past the early ones, and get to where the road at least goes a little straight and I have at least better chance of surviving. It is funny, because I can see the future just right there behind the corner, but I just have to make it to that corner, turkey peak around it, and then coninue on with the fight.

I learned fucking Discipline a year ago. Have I forgotten it already?? Am I that much of a shitbag that I give up so easily and cannot get past the little things. I just have to try a little harder, and go back to the basics.

The thought for today: Discipline is: the instant willingness, obedience to all orders. Fucking man the fuck up, and act like a fucking Marine.

One of the oddest sights that I have seen since being out here is the wildlife. Every day, I walk by these geese that are just there. We have no clue where they came from, but slowly but surely, they have formed their own little family and now number in the teens. At first, I didn’t really notice them, nor any of the other wildlife, mainly because I was never outside when they were out. The prime time for them to be moving about is about the 0600-0700 time frame, and as I use to go in at 0500, I never had the chance to see them. Since I have been working nights, I have been seeing them more and more. Today, they just left an impression on me. They were just sitting there in the road, without a care in the world, almost tempting someone to interfere with them, like they owned life. Since coming out here, I have seen lots of new breeds of animals, from the oversized cats and rats, to different dragon flies, to the dreaded camel spiders. Now, those are something to be feared lol. I remember back at 29 Palms, the big thing was to watch out for spiders there too. I never put all that much faith in any spider stories or anything, but ever since one of the Marines in my 56 class found a spider in his boot, I have been putting my boot bands in boots and them shaking them out every time before I put them on. But as far as actually seeing a huge camel spider, that is a negative. I saw a very, very small one once when I went to work on a computer, but that is about it. Last week, the MUX’sters found one and a scorpion in the shop, and Jarhead style, they had themselves a little battle. The scorpion won of course, “it is in his nature”. But other than that, there is very little interaction with the local creatures. Which is more than ok with me. I am not afraid of bugs or spiders or anything else, but having any more animals out here than there are now would serve to remind you too much of home. And the less that this place resembles home, the better.

Tell me again what I am fighting for over here?? Is it for America? Or is for that elusive dream that seems to be slowly leeching itself out of America. So, they want to make English the official language of my country, huh. I disagree with that. Doing such a thing would, in my humble opinion, cheapen what the very core of America is. To me, what makes our country great is the fact that we have the open arms to every culture, and thus to every language. While, yes, I believe that everyone should at least speak English, or try to be learning to speak English, I don’t think that it should be our official language. It is enough that it is our unofficial language. By making it the official language, there will be a stamp put on it, and will alienate those who do not speak English even further. Whereas now, stupid rednecks can throw the “this is America, learn to speak English” card now, think of how much worse it will be once they can say “speak the official language or get out”. I serve right alongside many Marines from different cultures, and while many of them can speak English, still quite a few of them struggle with it, or are not 100% perfect all the time. Hell, at Boot Camp, one of the recruits in my platoon could not speak any English at all. His life would have been even harder if English was the “official” language. No, this is not a good idea. Life in America is looking bleaker as the days go by. I don’t get a chance to catch up on the news fully, just the bits and pieces that I can catch, but what I do catch, is showing me pieces of a foreign world. I will go back and know this country that I love anymore. Life will be so foreign. And that is not even taking into account how my hometown will change in this year. It was a different town after just 5 months last summer. What will it be like when I haven’t seen it for a whole year??

I can see how each year acts as its own wheel of time for me. Certain seasons bring different reactions and different moods, and if my station in life hasn’t changed one year from the next, it comes back around to where it was and tries again. For the past couple of years, I have tried every year around this time for the same thing, and so far I have struck out every time. I think that the reasons why I failed previously was because of two reasons: one, that I was trying to hard, and two that I was still growing, and as such didn’t really know what I wanted. Although I am not in the perfect place to make it work this time, I know now that I am not going to try at all, and just let things happen, and that I definitely know what I want out of life now, and so as such I am that much more mature and in tune with who I am. I will just have to try for a couple of months and see how it works out. Stupid, stupid me.

The thought for today

Shakira sounds a lot better in Spanish than in English. More seductive

Before I came out here to Iraq, I almost made a terrible mistake. I was in a kind of learning mood, and was about to sign up for some online classes through some university. The program sounded nice and everything, but what turned me off was the spending $20,000 for only an Associates Degree. Now granted, this was free money from the government through my G.I. Bill, it still was just a little too pricey for me. I did not want to waste this money now and then regret later, and so I held off on signing up until I got better info and, possibly until I got back from Iraq all together. And I have been uninspired so far since I have been out here, and haven’t even checked or really cared to. I guess I haven’t really decided what I wanted to do for my college, as far as whether I want to try to take some classes while I am still in, or wait and then go for the whole college thing after I get out. Career wise, it is far wiser to take some classes now and be that much more prepared for when I get out. But that also means that I have to be busting my ass and having to deal with all of the bullshit that is the Marine Corps as well as studying. Juggling a life in the Marine Corps as well as classes is not what I would call fun. But at the same time, by getting schooling done now, I will that much more prepared and able to get a better job when I get out.

I bring this up because I am finally getting out of that no learning groove and am starting to take an interest in online schools. I was talking with another Marine that I went to Comm School with, and he started talking to me about Devry University. He has already looked into and has signed up for classes. From what he says, the Marine Corps will pay for all of it, and they have a campus in San Diego, so when I get back, I have that option of taking actual classes as well as online classes, which is always a bonus. And I know the downside of taking classes now, but for that I just have to suck it up and get over it. If I really want to do this, I can make it work. And more and more, I am wanting to make this happen. I am getting out of my little funk and wanting to do everything that I can do plan for the future and make life easier for me down the road.

I know what it is that I want out of life. It has taken me 23 years to figure it out, but nevertheless, I have finally done it. I find it odd that it took me joining the Marine Corps to figure it out, but that is what the Marine Corps is all about, giving direction and setting up opportunities. But one problem that I have had lately is believing that those opportunities will just fall into my lap and that I will go happily from there. But I have to realize that in order for that to happen, I have to go out there and bust my ass and make sure that I have the credentials to go with it. I just cannot rely on the fact that I am a Marine to carry me through the job process and set me up for the future. I have to put forth the effort to go out there and study routers and networks, and especially the schooling. And one major thing is that I cannot procrastinate. That is one thing that I have always been great at doing. I believe that almost every paper I wrote my last two years in high school I wrote the night before they were do. I would keep putting them off and before I knew it, they would be due the next day, and I had to stay up all night typing away. I hated those nights, and do not want to go back to that rushed feeling. And I definitely don’t want to be procrastinating when it comes to school. I have kept telling myself that now is not the time, and that I should wait until I get back to the states and then start then. But I get the feeling that when that time comes around, I will give another excuse, and then before I know it, I am getting out and haven’t gone to school at all and then I have hindered my opportunities in the job my market. What I want is to be able to get out of the Marine Corps and have a list of jobs to choose from, and not be forced into taking a job because it was the only one open. And if I have to suffer a little now and do some extra work, then I just have to get that done. Just have to suck it up now, and then reap the benefits later.

The thought for today:

In order to have a cottage in the woods, you first have to have an apartment in a city.

I have wanted to do something unique lately. I tried to with my little word of the day and the facts of life, but I still feel like doing something different. I recently watch High Fidelity, and although it would be stealing from that show, I think that I will start a top five list for my life. I want to start something like that, some kind of list to group topics together, but not really like a top five. I have never been good at rating things, and the idea of a top five seems daunting. I think that I may need to modify this to maybe a top three. That sounds better. Three is a more solid number, and always has more import when you say that you are in the top three of something. Of course, I will start with the easy subjects first, like top three music, movies, books, etc. But then, after I start a little bit, I plan on moving deeper into each category and having sub categories, of top threes within the top threes, for example top three action movies, drama movies, and so on. I think that I may like this. But probably not. It will be like everything else in my life, fool of stupid ramblings and end up being very incoherent. At the very least, all that I can do is try.

My Gigabeat is really starting to piss me off. Apparently, when I add music to it from the Gigabeat Room, I cannot further organize to a specific location. So, if I transfer some music and it goes under the folder of Music CD’s, I cannot move those songs into the My Music folder. If I do that, I can no longer play them, as the original path that the Gigabeat knows where those are located at is gone. That is fucking gay. It wouldn’t be an issue except for the fact that when I transferred some new music to the player, it went to a different folder, and I don’t like that. I think that I am stuck with this problem. It is a minor irritant, but I will not mind so much as long as can edit the tag lines enough so that I can organize them just perfectly. The one thing that is bothering me now is that I can only edit 2 tag lines, and not three. Three would be goddamn perfect. But, I will not complain about it and just accept it the way that it is. I still believe that once I get everything settled the way that I want it, I will be very, very happy.

On a brighter note, I have received word from my mom that one of my 4GB thumb drives as well as my 300GB beast of an external hard drive has come in and she has shipped that out to me. Freakin’ Sweet! So, hopefully I will get that package by late this week and can start some major downloading of shit from the share drive. I already have about 150 GB reserved for just T.V. shows, and the rest reserved for movies. Included in the T.V. show category are: all seasons of The Simpsons, Rescue Me, Family Guy, Smallville, and etc.

The thought for today:

Technology is fucking awesome.