a world removed

Back in my wannabe Monk days, I used to want to gauge my eyes out like Oedipus. Not for the reasons that he had, but for vissions of beauties that my mind conjured that were out of sync with my devotuion. Nowadays, I still want to gauge my eyes out. But now it is because I want to erase memories. In addition to that, I want to cut out my tongue on some days. I need to learn what the fuck silence means, and how much easier my life would be were I to keep quiet instead of speaking up. There are times when being a scared little boy actually pays off. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Resentment is bad.

I don't want to go to war

I will never understand people. So, you join the Army in a time of war, after 9/11, when you know that you are going to be going to be deployed, and then complain like a bitch when it is your time to go to the Suck. So what if you disagree with this war, who doesn’t? Everyone has their own opinions as to why we are here, and we all have our own objections, but tough luck. Suck it the fuck up, stop being such a bitch, and get your ass out here and do your duty. In my eyes, anyone who is in the military, and refuses to deploy, is no longer worthy to live in America. Hell, they are no longer worthy to live at all. Because instead of manning up, they will cower and hide in a little corner, while someone else out there has to go and fight in their place. They may say that they object politically or religiously, but when it comes right down to it, they are scared and are trying to weasel their way out of suffering a little. And you know what the worse part is? I am over here fighting for cowards like this. If push comes to shove, I will die for the cowards. And it pisses me off that people can still do this shit and hide behind so many “constitutional” rights, and other bullshit. Life just doesn’t make sense sometimes.

I know that we all have our own reasons for joining, and not everyone in the military is devoted to Uncle Sam. I sure as hell didn’t join out of love for country. No, the truth of the matter is that a good majority join for what the country can do for them. For all of the benefits and opportunities that will be waiting after 4 years of honorable service. Many join just for the discipline and direction that comes with the “brainwashing” of the military. But regardless of why any one joins, they still joined, and as such have to be ready to take up arms when the time comes. If I had my choice, I would be sitting back in the barracks drinking right now. But, as being a member in the Active Duty, I have no choice, and have to do my duty. And I may do so unwillingly, and with some griping and complaining, but that is only to my fellow Marines. Never will I stand up in front of people and gripe and complain. That doesn’t help the efforts, and only hinders things.

The thought for today: “I should proof read before I post. I cannot type.”

Perhaps the reason that I love fantasy so much is because of its escape. For as long as I can remember, I have run away from life by escaping to my books. How many times would I be sitting in class and, tired of the talk around me while waiting for class to begin, I would put my hands over my ears, and just vanish into my books. Nothing mattered then, and I was a god in my own mind. There was nothing that I could not do, no trials that I could not face and overcome. And of course the fantasy that always gripped me were the stories of a single warrior facing impossible odds, and by his skill alone and the aid of his friends, coming out of the situation alive. Such are exploits of the Martian Series. How many times does John Carter find himself alone facing great dangers and terrible odds? And yet through it all, by his skill with a sword, he is able to vanquish his foes and save himself, his friends, and his lovely Princess from death and fates worse than death. I can see him now, running to the dais, and then running his sword into the breast of the foul Sollensus Oll, who would take Dejah Thoris for his own. And then he turns and faces the 50 nobles, who are no without a ruler, and as he prepares to face their terrific onslaught, he hears his Princess singing the songs of his nation in his ear, encouraging him, letting him know that she is there. What it be like to actually be there at that moment, to know that you fight for the most beautiful women on the planet, and that she is there, encouraging you, letting her love for you take your swordplay to new heights. Never before has Barsoom seen such fighting as that.

Sometimes it seems that I live only to read the exploits of the characters in my books. I will never know the great love and passion that they experience. I will never know what it is like to fight, knowing that I do so for one who has given herself to me, and who relies upon me for her protection. For years now, I have wanted nothing more than that. I believe that my lack of ability to date is a direct result of the books that I have read. It is nobodies  fault but my own, as I am the one who ran away from all of my problems with books, and who when given the opportunities, backed down and didn’t do anything. To me, it just seems that it comes so much easier in the books. There is no stupid dating shit that they have to go through, no stupid dating that they have to do. No, they are ruled by ancient customs and chance. Where the women that they love are either captured, or they encounter them during perilous times. And as such, they have to fight their way across a whole world to save them, and thus win their hearts. They don’t have to go through the stupid movie dates, the dinners, and all that other bullshit. They have their sword arm to speak for their love. It is much easier that way. And I am not saying that I would have the strength and fortitude to do such deeds, but I like to think that I could.

And such is my life. I am stuck in a rut of my own doing. Unable to break through out of that shell, I have always escaped within myself when it came time to stand up and do things that other men would have done without a second thought. And plus, I always feared that rejection, and when you never try, you trick yourself into believing that you will never succeed, and thus has it been for me. The litany that I always repeat to myself, is: why? I don’t even know who I am asking, but nonetheless, I still ask, seeking to find an answer to why I cannot have life the way that I want it, why I cannot do simple things in life, and why I always escape to my books rather than take any chances. And I am scarred too. Because I have taken that chance before, even though it was a stupid chance, and I was playing in a game that I had no hope of winning, and should not have been playing.

But we are only human, and as such, we face life with a determination that will not see us fail. I know not how tomorrow will play out, nor do I know what the future holds, but one thing that I have learned, is that you just have to try to do the best that you can day by day. So what if nothing ever happens, or chances never come through, just remember that you are alive, and for what it is worth, have a decent life. Yes, it could be better, but every persons life could be better.

The thought for today: “I still live”

LAYER ONE:
Birth date: October 19, 1982
Birthplace: Norwalk, Ohio
Current Location: Camp Fallujah Iraq
Eye Colour: Green
Hair Colour: Black, but others tell me it is brown
Height: 5'5"
Righty or Lefty: Righty, but I cant squint my left eye, so I shoot lefty
Zodiac Sign: Libra

LAYER TWO:
Your heritage: Father...1/2 Irish, 1/2 Dutch...Mother...various...I am a mutt
The shoes you wore today: Good old desert combat boots
Your weakness: Arrogance
Your fears: Death
Your perfect pizza: Pepperoni, Bacon, and extra cheese
Goal you'd like to achieve: Run an 18 minute 3 mile

LAYER THREE:
Your most overused phrase on AIM: I have nothing else to say except lol
Your thoughts first waking up: Fucking alarm
Your best physical feature: I have none.
Your bedtime: Right now, around 12 in the afternoon, but when I go back to days, around 2200
Your most missed memory: Fishing with my dad

LAYER FOUR:
Pepsi or Coke: Soda is bad for you. Water is the spice of life
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King any day
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: I hate tea. I have never tried Lipton, but on occasion Sweetened Nestea
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: Is there life without coffee??

LAYER FIVE:
Smoke: Nope
Cuss: I am a Marine. Enough Fucking said.
Sing: Unfortunately to the ears of people around, yes
Take a shower: In a communal shower stall with water upto my ankles. I love Iraq :(
Have a crush: Not any more
Do you think you've been in love: Been in love...yes. Been loved...no
Want to go to univ: Yes. Just for computers
Like(d) high school: In some ways.
Want to get married: No
Believe in yourself: In some things
Get motion sickness: Never
Think you're attractive: Nope, but it is ok
Think you're a health freak: Not as far as what I eat, but definitely as far as working out
Get along with your parents: So-So
Like thunderstorms: Oh hell yes
Play an instrument: Used to play the trombone and tuba. Want to learn the piano and guitar

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
Drank alcohol: Not for another 6 months. NOOOOOOOOOO
Smoked: No
Done a drug: I wish I could...maybe I will when I go home on leave
Had Sex: hahahaha. That is funny. Not in the past few years... Yeah, I am a loser
Madeout: Nope
Gone on a date: Nope
Gone to the mall: Nasty civilians. Hell no
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No
Eaten sushi: Never have, and never will
Been on stage: Nope
Been dumped: Nope
Gone skating: Only at work
Made homemade cookies: No
Gone skinny dipping: Never have done that either
Dyed your hair: Just the natural gray that is slowly creeping up on me
Stolen anything: Marines dont steal...we acquire

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Oddly enough yes...back in like the 5th grade
If so, was it mixed company: Yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes
Been caught "doing something": Nope...But others have suspected
Been called a tease: No
Shoplifted: Yes. But it was on accident, and the next time that I went to the store, I paid for it, acting like I had just picked it up
Changed who you were to fit in: Not completely, but did some things to be "cool"

LAYER EIGHT:
Age you hope to be married: Will never happen
Numbers and Names of Children: 0.
Describe your Dream Wedding: In Ireland, on a bluff overlooking the sea
How do you want to die: 2 bullets to the head
Where you want to go to uni: They are all the same
What do you want to be when you grow up: Just another Hermit in the woods
What country would you most like to visit: Ireland

LAYER NINE: In a Girl.....
Best eye color? Blue or Green
Best hair color? Dark black...or blond
Short or long hair: Long and curly
Height: 5'2-5'5... Cant be taller than me
Best weight: Just in shape and able to keep up with me on a run
Best articles of clothing: Improbably hot nerd girl...very conservative
Best first date location: I am clueless when it comes to dating
Best first kiss location: Still clueless.

LAYER TEN:
# of drugs taken illegally: Miss Mary Jane
# of people I could trust with my life: I trust hundreds on a daily basis, but back in the states, about 6
# of CDs that I own: over 100 easy
# of piercings: None
# of tattoos: None. On leave though, I will have two
# of scars on my body: Three. Two on my head from falling down when I was really young, and then one on my left forearm from Boot Camp
# of things in my past that I regret: Two
Reminds you of an ex-lover: Natalie Portman in Garden State...and curly hair
Reminds you of an ex-friend: 100 girls
Makes you cry: Cry?? Men dont cry. But seriously, Saving Private Ryan
Makes you laugh: Dane Cook
Makes you smile: Sarcasm
You never want to hear again: Anything about Iraq, Iran, or the Koreas
Sums up your teenage years: Books
You want to get married to: Miss Golden Curls
You like to wake up to: Birds chirping
You like out of your parents record collection: In a Goda Davida
You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: The Cardigans
You love the video more than the tune: Sway by the Pussycat Dolls
Reminds you of your first love: Some Devil by Dave Matthews
Reminds you of your now crush love: nil
Makes you think of sex: Lots of things
Makes you think of being alone: Jersey Girl by Bruce Springstein
Has only been released recently but you love already: Wolf Creek
Are you embarrassed to admit you like: Nothing. I dont care what other people think
Perks you up: Coffee
Do you love to sing: I like to, not love
Reminds you of a great time of your life: Memories are bad

About three weeks ago, I was tasked with making a diagram of the network for both the Battle Square (the compound in which I work), and of Camp Grizzly, the main area where our comm shop and other units are located. After I turned in the first few diagrams, I got a response back from an Officer, where he had made some very good revisions. So, I got to fooling around a little bit more, and thought that I was making some very good Visio diagrams. Well, leave it to an Officer to show me up, and make my "skill" appear as nothing. My Cpl was happy with the drawings, I mean I did the work that was requested, and having never used Visio before, I think that I did decent. But my one problem is that I do do well with drawing diagrams. That has been my one downfall in playing chess. I am great at looking ahead, and seeing where the pieces will be in a few moves, but I have never been a good strategist. I have my set way of opening and defending, and I have never been good at going outside of that box and extrapolating to shake things up a bit. I have always wanted to. I bought some books, and had planned on studying openings and different aspects of the game. But I just never did. And so, I am doomed to stay in that mediocre state of play.

The thoght for today: A mediocre life is sometimes better than nothing at all.