Hiatus and Missing Her
How many nights have I walked back from the shop, thinking of the words that I am writing now? It seems that every night for the past three weeks, I have said that I was going to write, and then when I got back to the trailer, I sank down into that apathy hole, and could not bring myself to do a damn thing. Hell, for the past week, I have barely even turned on my computer. Although, I cannot say that I am surprised. I am actually kind of shocked that I even kept up with my blog for as long as I did. I thought for sure that after the first month I would stop writing. I think that in the end, it was that one little ounce of hope that I was clinging onto that made me keep writing. That maybe, just maybe, XXX XX XXXXXXX. Even now, I cannot bring myself to write it. Still that damnable hope. Although I wonder if I would get a response if I did just say it. Anyways, part of the reason that I have not written is because if I did, every post would be about her. I have had a lot of problems lately with keeping her out of my mind. And I don’t know why. It is just so goddamned frustrating. I go into hell every day, and I succumb so easily, because I keep slipping into that little trap. I see it so well laid out before me, but I keep going for that bait. But it is ok. Now is the last time that I will ever miss her. I am going to get all of that anger, aggression, and pain that I have built up in me out tonight. I am going to finally climb this mountain, and get the fuck over her.
When it comes right down to it, I am a pathetic loser. About two years ago (has it really been that long??), when I got drunk, I would say that I was getting one major tattoo: LOSER right across my chest. Because back then, that is what I felt like, and too a large extent, that is all that I am today. For the past 4 years I have been haunted by my fairy goddess running circles around me. I love her, I hate her, and I miss her, all at once and all equally. I want nothing more than to lie next to her and have her there after I wake up, waiting for me, the one thing that I have been denied all these years. And I wish that I could wrap my hands around her pretty little neck and watch her gasp her last breath. But most of all, I just wish to be free of her. I am like that little boy, who sees all of his friends playing with their puppies, and wants one soooo bad. He goes his whole childhood begging for that puppy, only to ever be denied it. Ever since I first saw her, I have wanted her. My first impression of her was “Damn, XXXXX is one lucky bastard”. And I envied him so much, because to me, with as much as he talked about women, he did not deserve her. Not saying that I deserved her, nor that I could ever have handled her, but still, it seemed unfair. And what makes me so pathetic is that I miss the idea of her, more than who she actually is. Okay, okay, okay. Enough is enough. I will now move on. I just make myself look so much more pathetic with each word that I keep typing about this subject, so I will end it with one final thought: Your hair has always looked better to me in Curls.
So the past few months. What hell they have been. I am back to working 12+ hour days again. Those 10 hour days were so lovely while they lasted. But now, every day is a new hell in itself. I don’t believe that I have had one day since my last post where I worked less than 13 hours. At the end of the day, after dealing with all of the bullshit that I have to deal with on a daily basis, it has not been worth writing anything. Writing would not have brought me the calm that it was bringing me the past couple of months. And so, when the choice was to either write or watch a movie, I had to go with watch a movie. But lately, I have been craving this. I have had this itch to write that would just not go away. And so here I am. Once again putting everything that I am out there on the chopping block. But, it is not like anyone reads this, so it is ok. Or at least no one that I will ever encounter is reading this.
Body punishment. Why oh why did I ever think that I wanted to earn the Grey Belt?? It sounded like a good idea at the time. But after a day into it, I wanted to quit so bad. I would have, too, if people didn’t keep pushing me. And if I had quit, I wonder how much more I would hate myself right now. Sure, it sucked and I had to do a lot of stupid shit, but in the end, it is just another reminder to me of how much I can endure, both mentally and physically. I have ever been a quitter, one to give up too easily, as soon as I saw a way out. Hell, I did that in college when I didn’t want to deal with the financial department, I just thought of the easiest way to stop a lifetime of devotion: Fuck you God. Hey, that worked out pretty well. L But anyways, it has ever been in me to quit when it comes to physical activities. I honestly would have quit Boot Camp if I had the chance to. When I got home from Boot Camp, and heard that people didn’t think I would make it through, at first I was shocked and a little hurt, but now, upon really thinking about it, I can see where they were coming from. Because I know that deep down, if I had had the choice while on that Island, I would have left probably the second week into. I remember one thought more than any others of all of my time at Boot Camp. Swim Qual week. I had just failed the easiest part of the Qual, and the only thing going through my head was that I cannot do this, and if I just failed it on purpose, would I be given a chance to leave?? I was so fucking scared floating there in that water, that I just wanted to run away, and face whatever humiliation that was waiting for me at home. But something happened that day. I don’t know where I found some backbone, but all of a sudden I didn’t want to fail. I was finally in a situation in my life where I couldn’t make up some lame ass excuse and go my merry way. Hell, if I didn’t pass this part, it would just take me that much longer to get off that Island. The fastest way off Parris Island is to graduate. And graduate I did. And in doing so, I proved to myself that I could do more than I ever imagined. Although, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong in the Marine Corps, like I didn’t earn this shit. I know that I did, but it sometimes feels like I didn’t. I wonder my Drill Instructors would think of me now if they could see me? Would they be proud of me? Or would I just be another shit bag to them? I looked up to them so much, that I wonder if they know how much they have had an influence on my life. I owe my Senior Drill Instructor many thanks, although I never put out all the way for him. I wonder if I will ever see any of them again. That would be something. Because I can tell you that they would never have thought that this “Recruit” would ever be where I am today. I was part of the 10% that got by.
The thought of today: 4 more months, and then I can go hiking and camping for a week.
