a world removed

Do you want to know what I hate most about television shows? They tend to drag things out way too long. There is Clark and Lana, Ryan and Marissa, and now Malcolm and Anoura. I was ready for the drama of Smallville to be finished after the second season. And then the whole O.C. drama was almost too unbearable. And now Firefly. But yet, no matter how frustrated I get, I cannot help but come right back to it. I think it is that hope that keeps me coming back. That damnable eternal hope that things will work out and that in the end, things will work out. And this is life, so it will not always be about getting the girl. Yeah, it is a clever fiction to think about and it is what keeps me coming back, but I know that in this thing that we call life, getting the girl is not the point. It is about the journey there, and the strengths that we find within ourselves because of hardships that we face that keep us going on. And no matter how long it takes, or how many obstacles are there in the way, I swear it is always worth it. It is always worth reading “Oh Dora, my beautiful Dora.” I need to read David Copperfield again.

How do you make amends for years of ungratefulness? It seems that somewhere around my 10^th grade year in high school, I stopped really caring about my parents. Truth be told, we never really were all that close, and when I started my hard core pursuit of wanting to be a Monk, I grew even further away from them. Imagine that, you would think that it would be the opposite, where I would open up to them more. But I didn’t, and instead went into shutdown mode and totally blocked them out. I started working and so I quit all of my high school activities for a whole year, and it just didn’t seem that we had anything to talk about, and so I didn’t talk to them. Sure, my dad and I shared the interest of the books that we read, but it never really went past that. And after I quit baseball, there were never any father and son things for us to do together. I must have seemed like such an arrogant little bastard. I wish, oh how I wish, that I had actually turned to my dad and talked to him about things. But no, I had to go and think that as an 18 year old, I knew enough about life that I didn’t need anyone’s advice, almost like I was too good for others and that regardless of the consequences I was going to figure things out on my own. But then this past leave, for the first time, I actually made an effort to spend some time with my dad, to actually turn to him for things. That first night that I got back from Portland, I didn’t want to go out with my friends and get wasted with them, no, I wanted to go out with my dad and spend some time with him. But again, I just wished that I had done so earlier, and actually had more than a few nights to spend with him. I just cannot wait until I get a chance to go home on leave again.

Why do I bring this up? Well today was my dad’s birthday. I spent some time earlier this week thinking about some gift ideas for him. I had thought about a good photo printer for him, as I remember that when I left he was in the market for one. But, I knew that he was looking for one when I left, and I couldn’t be sure if he picked one up or not. And so, I got him something that I knew he would like. I got him a god joystick and a good flight simulator game. I don’t think that I mentioned this before, but I also bought my parents a computer when I was home on leave. I have always felt guilty about my parents and  computers. The first one that we had was an IBM that had only 2GB of hard drive space. God that seemed like ages ago. And then I gave them my old Gateway, which was never in the best of shape, and still running Windows ME. I know that they had a lot more trouble from that that they didn’t want to tell me. And so, I wanted to get them a new computer so that they didn’t have to worry about any stupid things and actually enjoy a computer. I didn’t buy them a top of the line computer, but for $500.00, I didn’t do too bad. And now my dad can actually buy some of the flight simulator games that he wants to and actually be able to play them and enjoy something. As harsh as this sounds (and may the gods forgive me for it), but I think that my sister’s death is the best thing that could have happened for my relationship with my parents. And I am happy for it. I could burn in Hell forever for that statement. But, if I can make my parents know that they are not bad parents and that they have done a damn good job of raising me, then I will suffer the torment.

The thought for today: In the past two weeks, I have bought more music than I have in the past year. I am just in a new music phase. Finding James Blunt and Joshua Radin has gotten me very interested in getting past the same old music and see what else is out there. Speaking of Joshua Radin, the one thing that pisses me off about not being able to take leave in November: I have to now wait until I get back to the States to watch The Last Kiss. I refuse to watch a Haji version of it, and as such, I will wait until I am back in the barracks and get a good night to watch it. Me, the movie, and a medium Bacon and Pepperoni pizza with a 2 Liter of Pepsi. That will be a night. I still remember the first night that I watched Garden State. Alone and in my barracks at comm. school last May. I was so not expecting it to be that good. And I cannot wait to see how good this new movie will be. “The clouds in your eyes, down your face they pour…I take the blue ones every time. All you have to do is cry.”

I have come to some conclusions at the close of today.  Number one is that typing posts at work is not a good idea. I tend to ramble a bit too much, and then what I do type is very rushed, and not too coherent to me. I just do not like it. So, if I am too tired the night before, then I just will miss a day. Which brings me to another point. I think that I may be posting too much. I really have to look psychotic right about now, darting back and forth everyday between “this and that and a rattle a tat”. So far, writing has proven to be a little therapeutic, but I may not need to post everything that I end up typing. That is not too healthy.

The second thing that is bothering me today is that I truly believe it would serve me better to come back to the trailer and stare at the wall for a few hours. You know why escapism has always worked very well for me? Because until I was 20, I had no clue what Life truly was, or what it meant to be alive. I was just going along, stuck in my books, with my all important devotion to god. And now that 4 years have passed, and I have finally gotten out there and seen some shit and been through a few things, I find that it is too hard to go back to the escapism. No amount of reading can fill that void. Nothing that I try to distract myself ever works. Hell, it hasn’t worked for two years now. Out of sight, out of mind doesn’t really work to well. But then, absence makes the heart grow fonder isn’t exactly correct either. It is more of a try not to think about it all that much and just shove it to the back of your mind, and maybe one day you will get past it. Well, that hasn’t worked for quite some time now, and in light of recent events, it has only served to come right back to the forefront. Two years ago, I was moving back into my parent’s house after a fun 8 months. It is funny how major events in my life seem to happen around the same time every year. It was my 19^th birthday present to myself that drove me into debt and eventually made me quit Brescia (Holy Fucking Hell that was so pathetic). And then a year later, I quit Hardee’s and started working at Mac’s. Around the same time, I discovered the joys of lust, desire and wanting something that is not mine, and will never be mine. The next year, nothing that I can think of happened, oddly enough. Wait…I know what happened: a death, and a new view of the dark abyss. And then of course the next year brought me living back with the parents, and more debacles at Mac’s. Then last year I started something to only quit half way through for no reason. Here is an idea, lets just not call anymore, that will work (I am such an ass, and to think that I would consider myself above other men). And this year brings another death and payment owed to Life for being an ass. There is just something about this time of the year that doesn’t work out for me. And I really wonder what is coming next. The period this year is by no means finished, and I still have another two months for Life to throw some curve balls at me. I am kind of looking forward to the next one. Hell, only 20 more days until my birthday, and as I recall, that has always proven to be an interesting time. Or maybe, just maybe, I have used up all of my excitement that I have left for this year, and will get by the next few months without anything major happening.

The thought for today: I made a comment to you once on Christmas Day, that, looking back I wish I had made harsher. “I didn’t ask you to care.” Perhaps I should never have apologized for that. I bet my life would be ten times easier if I hadn’t. No, scratch that. Not easier, but definitely different. But, who am I to say whether it would have been better. I am not sure that it would have been, and that although I never should have bet the pot, I was still able to walk away. I have nothing to show for it, but hey, at least I was able to walk away from the table without any broken bones, only scars.

The one thing that I will never understand, and forever hate, is how things out here just happen. One day things will be working fine, and then the next all hell will break lose and lines will need to be replaced, or this will happen, or something else. It is enough to make the stress level go up by about a thousand and just adds more grey hair to my already shimmering head. It is all FM: Fucking Magic. And it all fucking sucks. I cannot wait until I can get a job in the civilian world where I don’t have to worry about lines going bad, or running new fiber in the middle of the night or any of this other stupid bullshit.

So, we had a SIPR fiber line go down on us yesterday afternoon. I went out to the Tanks and AAV ramp, where all the Tanks and AAVs are kept and worked on, and had to trouble shoot why the SIPR was not working. I took a Wire Marine with me, and after using a fiber tester, we concluded that the fiber line was bad and was going to need to be replaced. I wanted so bad for them to tell us to wait until today to run that line, but no, I didn’t get that lucky, and we had to run that line last night. The Detention Facility, which is where we needed to run the line to, has all kinds of lights, and so it wasn’t too dark while we were running the line. It ended up taking us 3 hours to run the line. It took us so long because we had to have a forklift move two sets of Tank tracks that were lying across the road to prevent the line from getting crushed. I am going out on a limb here and am going to hypothesize that a little thin line of Fiber Optic cable, you know that is made of glass, will be crushed under the normal weight of a Tank. And that is why we use the tracks. The forklift lifts up the tracks, and then we go through and dig a small ditch and bury the line and then track is put back down. And we hope, oh how we hope, that the track doesn’t crush the line. Last night, we were sure that the line was totally fucked, and that there was not way in hell that it was going to work. Well, surprise, when I went out there to hook it up this morning, it worked just fine. And then I called the user, and sure enough, the all important SIPR email service had been restored. This is the third time that we have had to run the line out there, and I am sure that within a few months, we will be right back out there running a new one. Oh, and a 300 meter reel of Fiber costs $7,000, so it is good to know that tax dollars are being put to good use.

I was pleasantly surprised in a few things last night. One, I wasn’t nearly as pissed off as I thought that I would be. I had to stay after 4 hours past my shift ended to run that line. I got off at 7, and if I had booked it home right away, I would never have had to run the line. But, I stayed a little bit, and when the call came, I had to options. To one, either be a total ass and leave it all up to the night shift (hey guys, wire just called and is requesting help to run that line. I am off shift, so fuck you and have fun.), or two, I could just suck it the fuck up and go out there myself. Well, I settled for option two, and I took Ray out there with me. See, I can go above and beyond sometimes. And then when running the line, I had a decent time. Like I said, I wasn’t nearly as pissed, and was able to find some humor in a few things, and didn’t dwell on the fact that I would have rather been in my trailer watching a movie. No, I hunkered down and completed the job at hand. The second thing that surprised me was that I actually woke up this morning. When I got back to my trailer around 2300, I started to watch episodes from the television show Firefly. I was doing all right for the first episode, but about 10 minutes into the second one, I started to doze a little. It was a little disappointing for me, as I had planned on staying awake until the morning, and plus I had some typing that I wanted to do. Well, that didn’t quite happen. I fell asleep just sitting there watching the show, without setting any alarms and needing to wake up a little early. It is a good thing that I have not been sleeping to well lately. I ended up tossing and turning all night long, waking up several times during the night. I ended finally getting out of bed around 0500 and just sitting there for about 30 minutes staring off into space and just thinking.

What thoughts was I thinking? Nothing in particular, just sort of letting my mind ramble on however it wanted to, do some in depth exploring. I have something else that I really want to post about, but I want to do some more thinking on first. It is kind of a sore subject, and I don’t want to be too out of line when I type about it.

The thought for today: Maine is the place where I will live after I get out of the Corps. I will start the Trail there, hike down to Georgia, and then hike back to Maine and a house (I put home originally, but that implies more than just an empty house) that is waiting for me.

Working hand in hand with the inner me that is a scared little boy is this restless soul that yearns for more that is out there. I cannot tell you how many times I have immersed myself in a book, getting lost for hours in the adventure and letting my spirit soar so high, only to be brought down by the trials of life. It is why I read so much, to seek that escape, and get lost so that I don’t have to face Life. But, it is not like my life has been all that terribly bad, but it is not what I have wanted. I swear that I should have been born in a different time, when I could have gone out there and forged a life and traveled the world, and really tested the waters and the mettle of who I am. While there is a part of me that begs for that life of the American Dream, that of owning my own home, having that good 9 to 5 job, and living a nice life, there is also that part of me that begs to be out there, on an old ship, sailing the waters, or traveling around the country, forging new ground, and truly exploring.

As much as I want the second life, I am beginning to see that I may have a chance at the first life. I got to thinking about something today. How many years could I live off of $45,000?? Is it possible for me to be able to spend years traveling around the country, sleeping where I can, maybe even picking up a job here or there along the way. I mean for once in my life, I will be totally free of all boundaries and commitments, able to truly take control of my life, and do what I want. The only thing that stops me is that in doing such a thing, I have to give up some control. If I had a lot more money saved up, then it wouldn’t be so bad, But the thing that I don’t want to face is going out there, doing my thing, and then be stuck coming home broke after a few years, unable to get a job, or finish my dream. Instead, I think that the better plan would be to rent an apartment, getting that computer job that I can see myself getting, and then saving up all the money that I will need, so that if I do such a thing, I will have plenty of money to fall back on. Some interesting thoughts going through my head tonight. But seriously, I will stick to what I know will provide a safe future, and will settle for my perfect solitude in Maine.

Voyeurism. That is why I like to read so much. I know that there are joys that I will never truly experience, and things that I want to do that I will never get the chance to. And so I turn to my books, in which I can live through the lives of other people, and experience all the joys and sadness of life vicariously through the characters. I have been a lurker for so many years on internet forums, that I can tell you intimate details of people’s lives that they have shared about themselves on the forums. And all without any emotional attachment on my end. And here is something funny for you. I cannot stand to read Fantasy written by a women. There is just something about the writing that does not sit well with me. Regular fiction written by women I can stand, and in fact I find it better in some ways. And now the funny part. I have been doing a lot of blog reading lately. And the one thing that I find interesting is that I cannot read blogs written by other men. All of the blogs that I have bookmarked are al written by women, and are all vastly different. The few that I have tried to read written by men, I have found too bland, and not to my taste. I haven’t really found any that I have wanted to read again. I think it is because I am not looking for something that is just about what happened that day and other stupid shit. Oddly enough, I find that women seem to be more inclined to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Which is what I am looking for. I want to see what it is that makes people tick, that makes them who they are. Again, that whole voyeur thing, of wanting to live through them, see how they deal with their problems, how strong of characters they have. And I just have not been getting that from any men’s blogs that I have been reading. Yeah I know. “But I just want to cuddle” “What a Fag!!”…

And my newest blog addiction is reading the blogs of people who have hike the Trail. I am learning a lot about hiking along the Trail that I never would have thought of, and that is only going to help me in the next few years. I find reading about their experiences and their first impressions of the Trail very intriguing. In fact, I have greatly enjoyed reading the few that I have found so far. I will post a link to some of the blogs and then put it in my blogroll as well. I am not sure if I will post while I hike on my adventure or not. What I would rather do, is to keep everything written down in a notebook, and then once I am finished with the Trail, write it all down and try to get it published. When I go on the Trail, I do not want to pop into civilization every so often to use the phone or the web. No, I want no access for months, get totally back to nature and find that inner peace that I can find with my personal trip. I think that it would be too much of a distraction were I too spend too much time in some of the towns along the way. From what I can tell, a lot of hikers hit a majority of the towns as they go. I would not want to do that, instead opting to hit up only a select few. To me, that means carrying a lot more weight in my pack, but I would really like to make this trip as hard as possible for me. I want to carry a pack that would rival the one that I take on my Hikes in the Corps. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I really want this trip to test everything that I am as a man. I mean, this will be my one and only chance to live a dream that I may never get another chance to do. I may not be able to go out and live my life traveling around the United States, but you can be damn sure that for 7 months, I will live it, and totally lose myself as well as find myself. I will hopefully find that will that is the inner Hunter. Mine will be no great Hunter, but it will still be mine, and I will have to conquer that in order for me to truly know who I am.

The thought for today: The stress levels these days are mighty high. Any more, it is all that I can do to keep myself sane. Just as long as the last hour of my shift stays as slow as it has this past week, then I think that I will be good. What truly rules the day?? Want or Need? And is it possible that what you Need can be what you Want. Can the gods really be so generous? Or is it truly better to just live off of what is Needed. Forget Want. Enough people get their Want. Live vicariously through them. Holy Fucking Hell. Want has Need trumped by a thousand times over. Intertwined. So close, and yet so far away.

Well, on second thought, maybe my forays up to Natural Bridge were not such a great idea. The more that I dwell on it, the more that I yearn for it. And being out here near nothing but sand, dust, and the ugly skies, has done nothing but make me miss seeing that mist rise above the trees, and see the beautiful rolling hills. And not to forget the eye stunning skies with the clouds and the way the sun plays off of the clouds. I could so go for a hike right about now.

I got to looking at some websites dealing with hiking the Trail today. And it would appear that I may want to do some more thinking on how I will accomplish my goal. It would appear that it is supposed to take about 5-7 months to hike it, as opposed to the 3-4 that I want to accomplish it in. But the way that I see it is that the Trail is almost 2,200 miles long. Broken down, if I can stay at a steady pace of 20 miles a day (that is a pace of 2 miles per hour for 10 hours) I can easily do the distance in a little over 100 days. Given a few rest days and other things, I will give myself 110 days. And I need to rethink my whole idea about going from North to South. It would appear that a majority of the hikers go from the South to the North. I know that this sounds stupid, but I have been opposed to that only because it seems like I would be going uphill the whole way, wheras by going South, it would have that feel of going downhill. Stupid I know, but that is how my mind works. Another thing that I will encounter that I didn’t really think about all that much, is other hikers. From some blogs that I have been reading, a lot of people will meet with other people that they see and walk with them for awhile. I just always assumed that I would be totally by myself, and any interaction that I had with people would be a quick hello and goodbye as I walk past them. But, the thing that I am beginning to realize is that hikers tend to stick together with other hikers, and that there is no way that I can go the whole 2,200 miles without talking to people and getting help. And the more that I think about it, I really don’t want to do it all by myself. How many times do I personally get discouraged when I am running? How many times would I just give and quit if it wasn’t for the fact that I am around others and cannot. I kind of fear that if I don’t have a buddy along the way, that I will quit, and not get the experience that I crave from my adventure. And so, I know that I will need other people’s support, just as they will need mine. And for a Loner, that is something hard to get use to, and to face. But, it is something that I will have to face when that time comes if I truly wish to accomplish my One Goal. How pathetic would I be, I if I chickened out when the time came because I was too afraid to get to know other people, or to put myself in a situation to give support to other people. No man is an island, and when taking on a daunting task, if a man tries to be one, he will get swept away by the roaring ocean.

In other news, I started looking at towns and more houses in the Northeast. I think that I can now narrow my search down to three states: 1. Maine, 2. New Hampshire, and 3. Vermont. Rhode Island is out of the picture, and I am really looking forward to Maine. The only thing that I hate about the situation is that I do not know how the towns are there. I want to find that perfect place that has that relationship like Paris has with Lexington. It has to be there, it is just a matter of finding it. I think that I can do a fairly good job of finding it on the web, but that I will need to visit up there some time to totally grasp the area. And so, I will probably save up all of my leave until I have a full 30 days that I can take, and just spend that time driving around the area, looking for the right place. I was able to find some pretty decent places today around the $150,000 price range. I mean they weren’t anything fancy, but they looked very comfortable. I have to keep in mind that it will just be me living there, so I might want to try to find a townhouse in the city or something, although I am really looking forward to that house in the country that is not too far away from town, and yet gives me the privacy that I want. No, fuck it. I don’t care if I am single and living in a family house, it will be nice and cozy, and perfectly suit me. I am getting so excited right now, that I cannot wait for the years to pass by. I wish that I could just fast forward through the years and get right to that perfect moment when I finally have that dream home. And what would be really perfect is if I have it picked out by the time I make my trip down the Trail. Nothing in Life would be better than being able to walk down the Trail, and then walk back North to all that I want and desire out of life. There is that Want again. That would definitely put a spring in my step.

The thought for today: Apparently, the Trail goes very close to Gatlinburg. I wonder if I can make it through there without Hazing myself in the middle of the shopping district. Hell, depending on the time of the year, I may even be able to get some friends to meet me there for a few days.

Well, it seems that I need to learn a little thing called proof reading. I have stated it before, and maybe I need to pay better attention to it. Because I just read yesterday’s post. And there were three or four times that I had to scratch my head, seriously trying to figure out what was the point that I was trying to convey. As such, I will be making more of an effort to proof read my posts and stop having so many stupid mistakes in it.

Today was exactly what I needed. For the most part, Sundays out here are pretty slow. What with church and everything else, many sections don’t even come to work until after 12, if some people even come in at all. I know some sections here that get half days and what not all the time. Lucky bastards. What that means for me in the Helpdesk is that in the early mornings, I have very, very few calls, as everybody is away doing their thing. Which is about the only perk that I have to look forward to out here. And so that is how it was for about the first 5 hours today. I got the chance to just be carefree and not really worry about stupid trouble calls. That is not to say that I did nothing. I still got the trash taken out, swept the shop out, and organized a closet. So, that combined with the hell of a week that I had, I know adds up to Murray taking it easy. And so I did. I surfed the web a little, played some music, and did some Sudoku puzzles. The share drive now has Season 3 of Rescue Me, so I got that copied, and am looking forward to watching that.

I have now narrowed down where I am going to live in 3 years even more. I have taken one part out of the equation, and added some other parts. And what it equals up to is that more than likely I will buy a house in the Northeast. I am officially taking Kansas, Iowa, Nebraska, and Oklahoma out of the mix. When I first got home, I was taken aback by all the green. It was everywhere. And after seeing nothing but dirt and sand and ugly skies for 7 months, it was heaven to my eyes. And after my trips to Natural Bridge, I have come to realize that I could never live away from mountains or trees crowding around everywhere. And so, I started looking around at my other options. And I am pretty dead set on moving to Maine now. I still have Vermont, Rhode Island, and New Hampshire in the mix, but overall, I am leaning way towards Maine right now. I just cannot wait to get back to the states where I can research it in depth. Out here, it takes so fucking long for the pages to load, and then half of them are blocked during the day, that I cannot really tell all that much about the areas. I need to find that perfect town, that has a relationship with another town, kind of like how Paris is with Lexington. About a 6,000-8,000 populated town within 30 minutes of a town with a population of 75,000-150,000. And then that perfect house that is in the country, but really not. I don’t know how to explain it, but I will know it when I see it.

I have done some thinking, and the way that I look at it, if I can just practice some restraint, at the end of three years, I should have no less than $35,000, and hopefully around $45,000. After I take out my me fund (to include gas and money spent with friends), I should be able to save $15,000 over the next three years. But like I said, that is with a lot of constraint. No more going out there and just spending money recklessly like I have in the past, buying all the newest DVD’s and other stupid shit that I really don’t need. No. Just the essentials that I need to live, with a decent amount going to my fun fund. If anything, I figure that I will spend most of my money on gas. If I can only fill up once a week, then I will be happy. And so, with 45 grand, I should be able to put a decent down payment on a house that is just perfect for me in Maine. I have looked at some of the prices (I still have a ton of research to do), but I believe that it is very possible for me to get that house that suits me in that area that I want for under $100,000. And then from there, it is just the matter of getting a decent job, which hopefully, with some certifications and experience, I will get. I don’t want much, just to be able to make about $40,000 a year. That will be enough to pay off my house within 3-4 years, and then start saving for my retirement. Hell, hopefully by the time that I am 32 I can have my own house paid for, a decent job, and just living the relaxing life in Maine. And then from there, save even more money, and by the time that I am 40 or 45, be able to buy my own piece of land in the middle of nowhere, and live my dream of that cabin in the woods.

This is all that I ask of Life. I am at that point now to where I expect nothing from Life. All that I want to accomplish over the next 20 years is to just live my life the way that I want and be able to avoid all of the distractions that have plagued me through the first 24 years of my life. One thing that I realized today is what I truly want out of life. I will be most happy if I can get what I talked about in the previous paragraph. Anything less or more, and I will feel slighted. Sure, I will miss out on a few things, but I know that it is for the best. I have come to realize that the way that I am geared does not allow room for the consideration of others, nor do I honestly want to go through the give and take and the learning that will be required for that. It is so much easier to just not try than it is to live and learn over and over again until I stumble upon something that works. No. I know that me by myself with my books, my lurking on the forums, and the trails all add up to a happiness. Sure, I am missing a whole lot more happiness. But I will also miss a whole lot of sadness too. Because one thing that is very clear, is that in order to be happy, I have to fail. And maybe fail a lot. I will not get it my first time out, as I have proven, and knowing me, it will take time and time again. And so why even try that hard for something so aloof. I can be happy by myself, it is just a matter of not getting jealous and resisting the want. I will have what I need, and who cares what I want. In all honesty, do I even deserve to want?? I am just one man, and there are other men out there, men who know what the fuck they are doing and will genuinely care and can make a woman happy. As for all of that Soul Mate crap, hell that is just a bunch of bullshit. Another thing that I have learned is that Soul Mates are good and everything, but another person can make you just as happy and fill that void. So, I truly am not needed in this world.

The thought for today: All that I beg from Life is that perfect house in that perfect town and a chance to live the next 24+ years in peace. I know that I may not necessarily deserve such a thing, but it is not too much to ask. Is it? I do not want riches or greatness, just my little niche by myself in the world.

I can have a very violent side sometimes. My natural inclination is to bottle things up inside and to never share what I am truly feeling with people. But the one problem that I have always had is that when I get pissed, I get super pissed, and I cannot help but go into myself and just don’t want to talk to anyone. Back in my Mac’s days, it was like I had two personalities. The happy go lucky me who was happy and had a good time, and then the pissed off me who just gave off that vibe that I am not to be bothered. Since I have joined the Corps, that pissed off vibe has kind of not been present all that much. But being out here has brought it back. It was really bad before I left for leave. But since I have been back, I have made a great effort to appear silent but not really angry, and for the most part, I have succeeded. But I realized today why it is that I have never enjoyed walking all that much. For the last few months, any time I had to go somewhere, all of these extra things would be weighed into the mix, and my thoughts would never be able to settle down and just be aloof. Instead, I had those things that just got under my skin at the forefront of my thoughts, refusing to go away. Well, the honeymoon is over, and things have now returned to how it was before I left. Things here just don’t add up, and more and more, I hate this fucking place, and cannot wait until I am out of here. I was so looking forward to coming back here, and there are still things that I like about it, but it just seems that I cannot keep my mind of other things, and everything just adds up to pissing me off. And violent side is not one to wear I want to beat up on thing with my fists, like go boxing or something. No. For me, it is all about the bat. Someday I am going to have something that I can beat up on constantly, and I am just going to take a baseball bat to it on those occasions that I need a stress relief. Go into a brief little rage blackout, get it out of my system, and then go about life as normal.

One thing that I will say that makes my violent side different, is that I actually have a little hope for better days now. I had always planned to get a car when I get back to the states, but then what? I had always thought that for the most part, I would just be lounging around the barracks like I always do, and be stuck in that life. But being home on leave has shown me that other world that is there, that I now have to look forward to. I cannot wait to get back, and be able to go out at nights to a sports bar with friends. That is the one thing that I am going to look forward to. Going out, drinking a few drinks, and just having a good time. I want to find my own little bar, yes kind of like Cheers, where I go as a regular and just have a good, professional time. Nothing that is going to be rowdy or crazy, but just somewhere that will provide a little relief off of that edge that can build. And also, there will be nights when I don’t want to drink, and will be able to just go and hang out with my friends. Of course, I will still need my me time, and I have given that a lot of thought. This is the thing that I am most looking forward to, and dreading most also. I want to find my niche somewhere. That place that I can go to, that has a nice, calm atmosphere that will allow me to read the paper, surf the internet wirelessly, enjoy a good cup of coffee, and just naturally relax. What I have in mind is some kind of coffee bar that also has an open mike night, or some other hook. Not a Starbucks, but some other little down to earth homely type place. I dread this the most, because it takes me out of my element, and actually requires me to interact with people. Not to mention that I do not do too well in new situations. I can already see it now. I will coffee shop hop. Go to one place one night, taking a paper with me, order a good coffee, and just pick a chair kind of out of the way that I can sit at and be unnoticed, and yet observe others around me. I will look to see how many other people do the same, or how many others bring in laptops and etc. Once I get some Recon on one place, the next night I will go somewhere else, and so on and such until I find the perfect place. Back in Kentucky, I did find that perfect place, except that it was clear on the other side of town, and I could not afford to drive there enough to truly enjoy it. I wish that Paris had a nice little decent place like that. My own hope, is that I can find that place.

One thing that I have learned while I was on leave is that I do not want to waste my life away staying in the barracks all the time. I want to get out there and experience some new things. Go to the coffee shop on some nights, and then on others go to the bar, and then on even others, go and just spend some time on the beach. I am not a huge ocean fan, so I would not go there to swim or surf, but I imagine that I can find somewhere to park my car, and then take a walk along the beach for the sunset. I want to find my little place there as well. Some little hidden spot that no one ever goes to, that I can go to on those nights that I need it, and just watch the sea from on top of a rock and not be bothered. It is the simple things that I want. Being out here, I am learning little by little that you have to live for those simple things. It is such a waste to hold out for those big, huge life changing moments. Fuck those. I need to look for those little things that make life truly worth living. That is not to say that I will not still spend some time in the barracks surfing the web and everything. But, that will no longer be all that I do. I am so out of the loop on things, that I don’t know if it will even be worth my time trying to get back in it. No. For me, I will take life one day at a time, and see what comes of it. I don’t know what Life has in store for me. But I don’t want to worry about it either. I have spent 24 years worrying about it, begging for things, hoping for things, trying too hard to force things to happen. Not even more. I need to just relax a little, stop being so high strung, and take things as they come. On those days that are really hard, well, I have my means to cope. I know what can calm me down, and it is just a matter of taking a step back from the situation and actually trying to get over things and not dwelling on them. One day at a time.

The thought for today: It usually takes me about 15 minutes to come up with a final closing thought each night. I usually sit back, listen to some music, and just let my mind roam. It usually settles on a topic, and then from there, words just come. And it greatly depends on my mood. But today’s thought: Life lessons do not come easy. But it is worth the cost if you learn from them. It was definitely worth the cost. Make sure that the “juice is worth the squeeze”. I still feel like such an ass. But not for me or any pain that I have. Hell, I have come to see that I am nothing. But for you, and your hopes dashed. That is a far greater pain than any immature shit that I go through or have put you through. I cannot believe that I am typing this. But would it have been better if we had never met? The guilt in me, that knows I wasn’t truly ready, but did it anyways, says yes. And for that, I am eternally sorry. Jean Valjean lived a life in such a way that that once voice would not damn him forever. Perhaps I should look at life in such a way. To give no false hope, and to be more honest. Oh the lies. Oh the fucking lies. Which is another reason that I will forever be damned. I understand. Trust me, I do.

I believe that I have made a faux pas. It seems that I have not posted about an important event that has happened in my life. With everything that has been going on, I kind of skipped posting a little bit, and when I started posting again, I really did not feel like talking about it. And I bet it must have been very weird to one day be reading about Iraq, and then the next to be hearing about me going to Barnes and Noble. Yeah, I should have made that a little clearer.

A month ago, Saturday night was a pretty bad night for me. After work, I called and talked to my parents, and had a wonderful conversation with them, just talking about things. Type and erase again. There is no reason to say what I was going to talk about next. But just know that I had a very restless sleep that night, and I felt like something bad was going to happen. Walking back down to the shop on Sunday morning was pretty hard for me, as I had felt that I lost something very good. Well, after I got to the shop, the Asian told me I had to go to the Company Office for something. I was a little irritated, as I had just gotten up, didn’t sleep too well, and was in a very pissed off mood, and I didn’t really want to walk all the way back up there. On the walk up there, I could feel that something was wrong, and that I was about to receive some bad news. I tried to psyche myself out of it, but to no avail. And it doesn’t help that as soon as I got to the Office, I was told that I need to call my parents. Holy shit, what the fuck was going on??

My sister killed herself. Would it surprise you to know that I actually had genuine tears when my dad told me? It surprised the hell out of me. More on that later. To make this short, when we get Red Cross messages out here because of a death in the family, the Command bends over backward to get Marines home. Needless to say, I was home in two days. It was not a good travel at all. Since I was on Emergency Leave Orders, they wanted to get me out of country as fast as possible, and they weren’t too concerned about how. And so, lucky me, I got the pleasure of riding in a cargo plane for 5 hours to Germany, and then from there, I got to enjoy a 15 hour ride in a cargo plane to Colorado Springs. Once there, I was in a hotel for Monday night, and then got a commercial flight to Lexington on Tuesday morning. All that first week was spent dealing with funeral and family shit, and that is why I didn’t post that much then. And then the next week was the great fiasco of my cross country trip. And then that final week is where I picked up on posting again.

So my thoughts on the death of my sister. Type and erase. I am not ready to share the darkness that lies within. And after receiving a package of letters today, I know that I am not in the right frame of mind to share things right now.

The thought for today: I still hope way too much. But maybe one day, I will truly understand and live by the essence behind “Head on a Stick”. WAFW. Yeah, figure that anagram out, and I know that you will not want to come back.

I will never understand Life. I would usually start statement with an “I don’t believe”, but with regards to this subject, I know that it is definitive. No matter how wise I get, no matter how much I think that I have a handle on things, I never truly will, as everything will always just be out of my grasp. For a control freak, that is kind of hard to except. The one thing that I have always wanted more out of life than anything else is that complete and utter control. I hate being confined to this life that we live, and like many other people, I yearn for a better time, a time of my own choosing, where I could go out there and be a Roman soldier, or be a Frontiersman, seeking grand adventures and living the life. Of course, the truth that I realize is that if I did live in those times, I would be just like I am now; stuck in a rut, pining away for some other life that I think is so much better. I dream of being a great adventurer, but the truth of the matter is that I do not have what it takes within me to do great things. Hell, I don’t have what it takes to do everyday normal things. I seriously believe (see, that belief is there because there will always be hope in some areas) that there is a niche in this world out there for me, and it is just waiting for me to find it. And that is another thing that I hate about Life, and truth be told, probably my biggest complaint. I hate not knowing what is around the next corner, living and making mistakes, and looking back on them later. I just wish that I could see fully a path that is laid out before me, all the choices that will be faced, and the consequences of such choices. I know, I know, that is not what makes Life, well, Life. But for me, I just want it laid out there, told to do this, to make this person happy, to make this happen. Cause and affect. I should start thinking a little faster. Life can be like a chess game, I just have to start playing Speed Chess instead of slow and reserved. I need to remember that Life is a Grandmaster, and can be defeated, but I have to be careful. So far, all of our games have been won gloriously by Life. I cannot think of one thing that I have really excelled at and been able to beat Life at. Because it always seems when I have a good thing going, I do something totally stupid, or I am conspired against from the very beginning, and before I know it I am checkmated and walking back with my head held down and left to try to beat the next opponent.

I realized a few facts about Life today that can give me a possible edge on defeating Him in the future. First, talking to others really does alleviate some of the hurt. Keeping everything bottled up inside has always worked for me [not well, but Hay Hay (fucking Miss Golden Curls again)], but sometimes letting a little water out can alleviate some of the pressure and lift the spirits a little bit. I guess the reason that I never really share anything with people is that in doing so, I find it as a weakness, and I look vulnerable and different. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but I don’t know how to handle situations, and as such, it gets weird, and I never know how to talk to people again, and so, to me it is just easier to keep the hurt bottled up. Sadly though, that approach doesn’t work too much when you get drunk and decide to use the phone. I have drunk dialed 3 women, and each has been a unique experience in itself. The first time was of course for Miss Golden Curls, when I was home on Leave from Boot Camp. I came within a breath or two of forever never being able to talk to her again when I almost proclaimed my undying love for her. Goddamn, I wanted her so bad back then. And the second time came during the same night as the first, and then again a few months later. And this was to…hmmm, name time. What should I name this particular Goddess? I was hoping for a moment of inspiration for the name to hit just out of nowhere, but I think that I will have to just settle for the Out of My League Brunette. Unfortunately, she didn’t get as lucky as Curls, and to her I gave my undying devotion. But it was all on voicemail and I am pretty sure that she deleted the message before it progressed that far. Have I mentioned that I called her about 3 times and left 3 different messages? And that was a night that I thought would forever haunt me, as I thought for sure that word of that would get out, and I could not stand to face people with them knowing that. Weird I know, but that is what causes a man to come home into town on leave and not want to tell anyone that he is home, and hope to just skate by and never be seen. And finally, we have victim number three: my Redheaded Goddess. Of all three, this was by far the worse. I do not remember what I said. I remember that I tried calling 4 or 5 (or more) times and every time I got the voice mail, and I just kept talking. I think that I brought out the darkest parts of my soul when talking this time, and that help explains a lot of things. Even if I didn’t, I will pretend that I did. It helps me cope. See, for the other two times, I didn’t really have anything to be sad about. If anything, I was happy the whole time. But for this last one, I was totally depressed, fresh off of facing my first real rejection. Prior to the Redheaded Goddess, I had never faced rejection before. I had never faced the finality of “I don’t like you and this is not going to work.” And I think that my mind was in shock, and being drunk loosened it up a lot (I was thinking: come on, I had just been rejected, how much worse can it get??) As I have proven to myself, a lot worse. And that my friends, is why I will never hear from her again.

We interrupt this blog so that Richard can pine away…I have to smell your shirt again…Sweet Intoxication. Does the fact that I sleep next to your shirt, keep it on my pillow, and am prone to smell it throughout the night make me pathetic? I am sure it does and it is creeping you out right about now. Don’t worry though, I can take hints. And you will never hear from me again.

Oh, and I meant to tell you that I heard your song on the O.C. It is on Season Three, Episode 4. I wasn’t really expecting it, as it hit at a moment that I thought was a little dull. So there I am just getting ready for bed, about to turn off the lights, and then I hear the intro. That is a very good song. And it was a perfect moment. It was something that I was not expecting, and of all the moments that I have had in my life, I will forever remember that one. I guess that I should have held fast to hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. It just goes to show you that hope is nothing.

And now the second fact from today: I really enjoy walking. Having to take some clothes to laundry today, I found the walk to be very relaxing. It gave me some time to think about things, but not focus totally on them. When I walk, my mind races around, and it never fully settles on one thing. That is why I like hiking so much. Out there in the woods, I can spend some time thinking of the things that are bothering me, and then take breaks and look around me and get lost in other thoughts. It is for that escape that is provided. And I made another plan today. I am sure that I will walk the Trail twice in 2010. The way that I see it, I will spend the rest of December 2009 and all of January back in Lexington, spending some time with my family and friends, and then start hiking from Maine around the middle part of February. I should get to Georgia around the June time frame, and then from there, I take a week or two off, living in a nice hotel, and then turn around and go back up to Maine. I should be back in Maine around November. To me, those seem like the perfect times to go. I will get to be in the rainy season, as well be there for the snowy season also. And then after that, go back home, spend Christmas with my family and friends, and about the February time frame, again set out on another adventure. This time, I will walk around the United States. Forest Gump ran around America, but I think that I will take my time and go walking around it. Walk along the southern states, then go north to Washington, and then snake my way south and east. I would love to see Montana and Wyoming. And then towards Ohio and Pennsylvania, before finally heading back home to Kentucky. I could do that in a year, I think. Taking a hiking pack with me, sleeping where I can, and eating in restaurants along the way. And then who knows after that. I will have enough money saved up that I can afford to do this, and then I can get a job somewhere. Preferably in the computer business, but I think that I will be up for anything by that point. You know, after my trips, finding some cheap land somewhere and building myself a cottage in the woods will seem like the perfect life. I will have to start looking at some land that is cheap. If anyone knows where I can buy some land that is in the middle of nowhere with a lake and plenty of forest, let me know. I really want to start finding my Home.

The thought for today: To my Goddesses: I will not know what to think if you still read this. Secretly, I live for it. Sad and pathetic, I know. Tell me, did I ever really have a chance? Was it possible for me to have played a winning hand with the cards that were dealt to me? Or are Goddesses really out of reach for mere inexperienced, unconfident, and immature mortals?