a world removed

i have a general feeling of hate creeping in the inner parts of my soul. While taking 30 days of leave sounded like a good idea at the time, in retrospect, I did nothing but grow a deep intense hatred of the Marine Corps. And it is not anything that I can put my finger on, but rather a whole bunch of little small things, that when added together, make me realize how stupid I was to have joined. I would have been better just sitting around and wasting my life at the convenience store. Oh well, only 2 years and 8 months left.

Lucky for me, I will be getting my wish, and I will be deploying in another year. We are not sure when we will be leaving, but probably around the first part of January, I will be heading back to the beautiful Iraq. I am kind of torn on how I feel about going this time. On the one hand, I am excited just for the simple fact that it gets me out of this bullshit Garrison life and into a place where I may actually be able to do something worthwhile. But then, on the other hand, it sucks because with all the talks of pulling out and everything, I know that with this next trip over, we will be moving. There is no way, in my opinion, that we can go back to Fallujah and spend the whole year there. No, when we get there, we will be packing things up and going to another base. I am dreading that so much right now. Obviously, there is nothing that I can do about it, but I sincerely hope that Senators can be conned and Bush can prolong this war for a few more years. The only way that I want to spend next year is by simply going into work everyday on Camp Fallujah, and reliving the same life that I had this past year. There is a certain peace of mind that is gained, and I know that it will make the year go by fast. Just think, after this next deployment, I will have an easy 9 months, and then I will be out of the Marine Corps. I cannot fucking wait.

The thought for today: I think that I am developing a Jekyll and Hyde complex; voluntarily. I no longer give a fuck about my job and honestly do not care what stupid shit I am going to have to do. I already have to put up with so much stupid shit that it has greatly demoralized me. Fuck this shit. No more. I will wear the mask of hatred at work, and then, maybe, after hours, try to find enjoyment in life. Yeah right, there is no happiness for me in the near future.

I have been having some very weird dreams over the past two nights. Last night's dream was just totally out there, while the previous night was very different. 

I am not feeling too much like typing tonight. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, and it is kind of weighing on me. Overall, my mind is running a thousand miles a minute, and will not let me have any peace. I will definitely take some time tomorrow night to get some things lined up and some thoughts down.

The thought for today: I have no thoughts for tonight.

Thinking. For some reason, I am not all that inspired to type tonight. I have an overall feeling of deep melancholy, dreading what tomorrow will bring so much. I am so not ready for a certain event. I have had a couple of months to prepare, and all that I do is waste my time. So, all day tomorrow I will spend in a deep hate, and then get even more depressed at night when I go out into town. Things are kind of coming to a head for me, and although I just want to lie down and not give a fuck, I know that if I do not at least play the game for a few things, ways will be found to make my life even worse. There is that part of me that welcomes any sort of so called "punishment", as it will only give me a reason to hate even more; but then there is another part of me that wants to change and actually to try. Things are going to start happening soon, new additions being added to the section, and if I do not do something, then the next two years will be even worse than I have imagined.

I find that my general state of being is one that I am not used to. For the most part, in the past, when I have been depressed, I have always been able to find a small joy here, or another there, with the end result being that I could at least find some joy, and go to bed content. Now, any little joy that I find is quickly gone after a few hours, and I cannot say that I have slept contenting for a week now. I always find something to latch onto that is not healthy. For example, Ray and I went out to Albertson's to get some munchies the other night. He was wanting some pizza or something. Well, at the checkout counter, miss Brooke G. was trying to engage us in conversation, and it caught me by surprise a little, and the best that I could come up with was a stumbled "surfing the internet" to her question about what we are doing tonight. To me, that moment was so pathetic and I was on a downer after that. I cannot rightly explain it, but I just got so depressed because any other person would have been able to actually talk to her, and have her interested. No not me, all I did was mumble and avoid eye contact. I am such a loser. You know, anymore, getting LOSER tattoed across my chest is sounding better and better everyday.

I swear, that if I have to keep listening to fucking assholes tell story after story about how they fucked this chick, or got this wasted, or did any of the other things that they brag about, then I am just going to tell them to fuck off. I hate that macho egotism that every fucking goddamn Marine has. I think that I may type something up and then print out business cards with something along the lines of telling people that I do not care about their stories, and that they can go fuck off because I do not want to hear about it. I imagine that I will really alienate myself that way. :)

The thought for today: My overall feeling is of disgust with myself. I am not a Marine anymore. I no longer have the right to claim that title. I am simply a fucking loser who was overlooked and has been able to fall through the cracks until now. Now the only question that remains: do I want to change? Or is it really preferable to suffer greatly through the next three years, knowing that I will never be treated fairly. Interesting. Just fuck it. I do not give a damn anymore. Fuck life.

I sincerely hope that my music kick that I have been on for the past several months never goes away. I have found so many good bands and so many awesome songs, that it is very easing to me to be able to listen to and enjoy music. My newest obsession comes from an old favorite band of mind who just released their new CD. The Modest Mouse CD is one of their best. At first listen, it was kind of edgy, and maybe one or two songs stood out to me, but upon further review, I am finding that this CD is every bit as good as their last, if not even better. I will never cease to be amazed at how I can seem to stumble upon songs when I least likely expect them. I may listen to a CD once, not think anything of a song, and then I just put the player on random, and I get struck by a certain song at a certain time. I love that about my life.

The thought for today: They are coming to both L.A. and San Diego in May. I am going to buy some tickets and get with someone who wants to go their show. Of course, my life will be greatly improved if I can find a woman to go with me. But if I cannot, I may just end up going by myself :(.

I have written about this before, and chances are that I will write about it several times more. There are moments in life that take my breath away and sweep me away. Ray has said that I am nothing more than a hopeless romantic. He says that I take it to a whole new level of pathetic. Which I will not argue. I just wish that I could share all of it with someone.

Last week, I came close to buying A Good Year. I am not sure where I was, and why I all of a sudden got the urge to get the movie, but I resisted the urges and put it off, telling myself that I would go out to Blockbuster and rent it. Well, more than a week later, I finally got that feeling that I just had to go and rent the movie. And that is what I did. Although the movie had exactly my kind of ending, I did not find it too gripping. Of course I will watch it again, and maybe find something new about it that I love. But, it could be ten times as boring and pointless, and I would still sit through it again, all for just that moment at the end. It is cheesy beyond belief, but it strikes me to the core. Maybe it is because he uses goddess, and I am very fond of my own personal goddesses. "What is it that you want?" "A lifetime spent with an irrational and suspicious goddess, some short tempered jealousy on the side, and a bottle of wine that tastes like you in a glass that is never empty". How I long to have a moment like that. That tastes like you. I truly wonder what it is to have and hold someone, wake up next to them, and be totally intoxicated with their presence. Type and erase. I was going to write something, but then I realized that I was lying to myself.

Tomorrow should be a pretty good day for me. I will probably get a little bit of motivation, and get up and go for a run. After that, I will probably go to the Kaliedescope mall and visit the Hawaiian place again, enjoy a good sandwich, and get drunk off of my ass. I am in that mood to where I will probably drink about 4 or 5 beers tomorrow. I hate paying the price that they charge, but it is worth it to get sloshed and then go to the game shack and play WoW until midnight. And then after that, on Sunday, I will spend the day hiking, and finally make it to the beach to watch the sunset. I am hoping that Sunday is the relaxing day that I need.

The thought for today: Maybe, just maybe, one day I will get to be cheesy with someone. Maybe all the hell that life is now will be worth it. One day. Probably not, but tonight, I am hoping for the best.

I honestly do not believe that  there is some all powerful force watching over us and to whom we will one day be accountable. But, I kind of believe in Fate and Destiny. Throughout my whole life, I have seemed to have been guided towards certain things. I think that I have talked about this before. How I seem to find just the movies that I need, or the right music at the right time. And about the failures; of not having that chance encounter. And I am okay with Chance for the most part. Mainly because it requires nothing from me. But, what am I supposed to do when I feel that Chance is wanting me to do something? It is not in my nature to be impulsive and act on things, so it is odd to find myself feeling like I need to act. 

It all starts with a dream. I usually try to be perceptive of any dreams that I have, as I generally tend not to remember a lot of them. So, the times that I can remember, add a special little meaning to me. About the most vivid reality dream that I have had is stolen right from a book. You know, the one where I run through the rain to get to her, only to see her drive off with another man. But last night's dream was definitely different, and a little odd. Of course, it involved TRG (is there anyone else that I think about on a daily basis?) and little Inspiring Sun. For some reason, she came to a dinner that my parents held at my grandmothers house, and she also brought a date to. From what I can remember, the guy was a successful business man or some such, and put anything that I had to offer to shame. Overall, the dream by itself was nothing more than my subconscious longing for what cannot be. But then, this morning, I had a set of coincidences that ended with one result. First, upon deciding that I would eat morning chow for the first time in quite awhile, upon walking out of my room, I was pulled to sweep out the hallway right in front of my room. I went to chow first, and upon coming back, realized that I did not have my broom. After borrowing one, I swept the hallway, and then needed a dustpan. I knew that I had some old magazines, and so I went rifling through them until I found one that I wanted to use. So, I got to use it, and some pieces of torn paper fall out of the magazine. Thinking that it must be an old receipt, I go on sweeping, until three letters catch my eye. It is her name. The piece of paper was her number that I had torn up finally after months of being in my wallet. Upon seeing her name, I had to take a breather. Of course, I usually think about her, but so far, I have never had anything about her jumped out at me, let alone two things in one day.

So, what does it mean. Like I said, I am really balking because I do not handle the whole Chance wants you to do this. Fuck that. I have always been under the impression that things will happen if they are to happen. It has pretty much always worked like that for me. And not only that, but the few times that I have acted have proven disastrous. And, when it is regarding this issue, I am about 100% sure that I am the last person that she wants to be hearing from. She has made that perfectly clear. And yet, I cannot help but wonder. All kinds of scenarios are going through my mind right now, and none of them pan out very well. I dare not hope for the best, and as such, know that I will only get worse if I were to try and call. In the end, I am going to sit this one out, and Fate has any plans for me in this area, well then that Angel with a smile on her face will have to work a little harder. I do not have a plan, and I may lose some sleep tonight.

The thought for today: While I have not been in too much of a drinking mood prior to this week, I think that I am working my way up to drinking on a regular basis. My life is way to miserable right now for me to not  be enjoying myself every chance that I get. I will definitely try to get the beach this weekend and do some hiking. I think that some time alone in the woods is just what I need right now. 

I am pretty sure that I put my Irish Heritage to shame, or maybe I honor it, depending on how you look at it. One thing that I have never been for my entire life is a drinker. I have tried, and although I can handle steady drinking (one to two beers and hour) anything more is way out of my league. And of course, one thing that I am beginning to realize is that I cannot afford to drink anymore. I have forever lost one friend because of my drunken stupidity (I should never drink around a phone) and blown a chance with another friend (a man should never appear weak in front of a woman). And the simple truth of the matter is that I do not like who I am or how I feel when I am drunk. After a few beers, I reach the plateau, and then from there, I never seem to get higher. I level off at that regret and Want stage, and never fully roll down the hill and go to the full on feeling good part of drinking. For me, drinking only makes me more depressed, and more angry. Of course, it does not help that I drink out in public. I think that I could reach a pretty nice buzz and a very good state of drunkenness if I were to drink alone in my room and just staring at the wall. Anything else, and I fall into that trap of Want and Desire, and yes, my age old emo topic of them. Although oddly enough, I no longer pine for them. Instead, it is kind of just an overall feeling of loneliness that grips me in the pit of my stomach. I mourn more for what could have been than for what there ever truly was. In truth, I have never loved. I have only ever lusted and desired. And to my broken mind, I think that I deserve something for that, for all of my time and trouble. All that I truly deserve is a slap in the face for lies and the trouble that I caused. A secret: I have lied to both of them. I lie even now.

The thought for today: I read way too many blogs. I want to come up with a different style of writing, or maybe just refine mine. Secretly, I want readers to follow this on a regular basis. That Need cries out for it. But I know that I am way to neurotic for anyone to really follow this and read this. I need tone to down a few things, and really channel my strengths. But then I am not who I am and that is now why I have this blog. If I want reader friendly, I can go somewhere else. For now, I will be content to post how I want to, and the rest of the world be damned. This is for me and the release that I need to get. If I am the only one who reads, well then oh well. At least my damaged life can have a little joy.

In the end, I make life hard on myself. I am not depressed for any reason other than that I want to be depressed. I have reached that plateau to where I honestly just do not give a fuck anymore. Except for the extra free learning that I have the chance to get by attending classes, I have gotten everything out of the Marine Corps that I am going to get. And I still have three more years left to go. There are just some things that I will never grasp, simple things that even the dumbest retard can understand, I will always have a hard time with. I will never shoot Expert, never, ever stand out as a leader, and I will always be a bitch. It is as simple as that. And added to that is the fact that I am too proud and will not stoop lower, and have reached the point to where I just do not care. I have a pointless job and no say in anything. Type and erase. Awareness. I could just make this one private, but fuck it. Anyways, I am not cut for this. I am out there. I seriously wish, that I could spend the next few months stateside, and then spend the remainder of my enlistment out in Iraq. 

I say that, and I have to wonder if I suffer from something. How fucked up is my mind that I want to go back to working 14 hour days without a day off, and no amenities. I believe the reason is that I have become very complacent. Now that I am back to Garrison life, for the life of me, I cannot wrap my head around the way that things are. There are certain things that I need to adjust to. If I do not, my life will only get harder. But it is hard, when the darkness takes forefront, and everyday brings a little bit more hate, and it becomes harder and harder to find the joys. 

The thought for today: In the end, I should not have taken as much leave as I did. I will lie down and stare at the wall tonight and ask myself some serious questions. I will try to find some answers, and if I cannot, well then I will wear the mask of iron, and not find any joy or pleasure in life at all. I am a fucking loser who has no hope for joy in life. A slice here and another there, and the blood will flow. Welcome to Hell.