a world removed

Just a little test of the waters. I should be folding my clothes and getting ready for bed right now, but I am definitely nowhere near close to that stage for the night yet. I can feel that old restlesness seeping back in, and result, I do not want to go to sleep. Unlike previous times where I couild co out and blame it on simple jet lag or what not, this time is completely different. There is really no reason that I should be feeling this way. I like to sleep, and sometimes wish that sleep would last a lot longer. Holy shit, I just realized that it is already 2330. It looks like only 4 hours of sleep for me tonight lol.

I had a pretty decent weekend. The guy came on Friday to install my cable. I did something to my big toe, and all day Friday it hurt pretty bad. After the guy had finished installing the cable, I played WoW for a little while, but then around 2100 or 2130, I started to feel stuffy and it was almost like I had a fever. After failed attempts at concentrating on the game, I finally gave up and laid down for the night. My toe and head hurt all through the night, and my sleep was really restless. Upon waking up, I found that my toe and my whole right foot looked swollen up, and it seemed that some puss was building around my toe. Try as I could all through the day, I was never able to break the skin in a non painful way to leak ou the puss. My toe hurt me for the majority if the day, even when I was just sitting there doing nothing. My sleep that night was not too terrible. And then today, my toe was still kind of sore, but a little bit more manageable. I went to Wal Mart and picked up some Neosporin, and was successfully able to break the skin and see the icky green ooze out. My toe is still really tender, and I am not sure what is its deal. It is like an ingrown toenail, but I have never had one like this before. If it is not better by the morning, I will definitely go to RAS about it and see what they have to say.

When I was a kid, maybe up until the 8th grade, I went through at least 3 ingrown toenails. I do not know what my problem was, but there were at least 3 times that I had to go to the doctor to have him numb my toe so that he could go and remove the toenail. The last one that I remember getting was my ninth grade year. I was in my "tough like my characters" phase as well as my "doctors are evil" phase then, and hid the fact from my parents. I remember that a small little bubble would form on the tip of my right big toe, and I would cut it to make the puss come out. I had a little doctoring kit that I used to put bandages on my toe, and plenty of neosporin. Finally, one day, when I had had enough, I took an Exacto knife that I had bought for some reason or another, and I played doctor on my toe. I remember that I bled a lot, and that there was a decent amount of pain, but I was succesfull in fixing my toe. I am pretty sure that my parents suspected that I had one (I limped a lot sometimes), although they never said anything about it.

The thought for today: I am slowly getting adjusted to my new keyboard and mouse. There are a few minor adjustments that I have to get over, but it is no different than from going from my old laptop keyboard to my new one. I will get the hang of it, and then you had better watch out.

Well, I still have to wait one more day for internet in my room. The guy who came today for another Marine's room was unwilling to do mine as well. No biggie. I just hope that when the guy calls me tomorrow, that I am not doing anything stupid and that I can get to my room so that I can have a very, very relaxing weekend.

I finally finished watching Stand by Me today. I remember watching that years ago, and my biggest memory was that of the leeches scene. Ever since watching the movie, I have always kind of been afraid of old ponds and any kind of murky water. Just one of those things that stick with you from childhood.

The thought for today: I go through my daily life and see glimpses of past experiences. And the funny thing is that it is at random times. I will be doing something, and my mind wanders to a distant memory, and then the sadness hits me. It is that long sigh, followed by the deep breath. I have yet to rise above the muck and mire that is the sadness. I am trying,oh how I am trying.

This was supposed to be posted Thursday night lol. I fucked that up, and posted somewhere else.

Finally, I have internet in my room. The guy came yesterday to install it, and I am loving every second of it. I went ahead and got the cable television package as well, and I am pretty sure that my free time is going to be a lot more enjoyable.

The thought for today: Playing WoW.

I think that I am suffering from PTSD. I know that it sounds stupid for me to even say that, and I really do feel strange saying it, but I have not been able to adjust to life back in the States at all. I need to amend that statement. It is not PTSD that I am suffering from as much as it is a simple failure to adjust. You think that it would be a simple transition. I know that there are things that I have to do now that I am back in the States, but then in the back of my mind is the fact that I am going to be deploying again within the next year, and all the stupid bullshit that I have to face on a daily basis just does not seem to matter. I WANT TO FUCKING GO BACK. In the end, I believe that it is as simple as me being lazy. Iraq was such a much more relaxed atmosphere, that while at the time I hated it, I have since come to realize that my life out there was a pretty good one. There was a structure to it and although I had to work insane ass hours, and the only enjoyment I gained was from going back to the trailer and watching movies, there was a certain flair to that life that I genuinely miss.

And what is life like now in the States? Unlike in Iraq, I really have no job here. Instead of going in everyday and having to fix this computer or that computer, or going to install this program or that, my days are now filled with stupid bullshit site counts that really make me question why I have not slit my wrists yet. I am not an administrator on the network that we have now, and the only time that I will actually get to be an administrator is when I am back in Iraq. And so, since there is no network that needs to be run, there is a lot of stupid shit that comes up that "needs" to be done. But, more and more, I am beginning to realize that everything that I am doing is simply fill in work, and is pointless, and will never amount to anything worthwhile. Do you have any clue how depressing it is to wake up everyday and go to work and feel like what you are doing is pointless? It is like I am Prometheus and I am stuck rolling the rock up the hill, only to have it roll right back down again. And the worst part about my life right now is that I am back to working 11 hour days. I call it a lack of leadership as well as a lack of knowing how to manage. I will shut up here just because.

I have taken to complaining more and more. Every stupid thing that happens, every little nuance that pisses me off, I will complain about. I see so much that is handled wrong that I cannot help but stay in a constantly lamenting state of mind. And I guess that it does not help that I genuinely hate those around me. Things have definitely changed since Iraq, and while I have not adjusted to that, other people have, and I cannot stand them. I never really thought that things would be this different, or people such arrogant assholes, or immature fucktards, but apparantly it has happened.

I should have internet installed in my room tomorrow, which will make my down time a little more relaxing. 

The thought for today: I am determined to go hiking this weekend. I am going to get over this block that has me couped up in my room, and I will get out there this weekend to do some hiking. I am even thinking of finding a place to camp out for the night. A night out in Nature is just what I need this weekend. Hell, I wish that I could do that during the week. I will have to look into that.

Starting tomorrow, I will go back to posting at least everyday. I need to get back in the habit that I was in out in Iraq, to where I spent the last hour winding down and listening to music and typing. I find that time right before I go to bed very unnerving. So, expect me to be back to my regular old irrationality and emoness tomorrow.

The thought for today: I will find sanity within reason.  

I really should not post when I am drunk, but I find that emotions rise to the surface, and the true me shines through when I stare at the keyboard and and my thoughts go blank. I need serious help. No, really.

So, you call me on a weekend, use your fucking first name, and then expect me to go and say yes, master, and yes, I will ensure that the task is done? Fuck that. How about you say "Hey Murray, this is XXX XXXXX and I need you to do this". Otherwise, the thoughts going through my mind are that this is the weekend, I am enjoying drinking, and you obviouslly need to go fuck yourself until you understand how things work.

So yeah. I found out earlier today what will get me out of my slump and bring me from the edge of this abyss that I am facing. Unfortunately, it is also the hardest path, and the one that I do not want to go down, but am forced to.

I would sell my soul for TRG. How pathetic is that? At least I am moving on, I guess. But, even sadder is that I would sacrifice all for MGC.

I really should not think and post when I am drunk. For one, I have to backspace way too much, and for another, it is not good for my mind. The one question that I keep asking myself right now is; "is that too much to ask". But then I have to consider all sides and ask myself what do I truly deserve? I followed that thought through early this morning, and amidst the hope and shadow, I realized that there really is nothing more than just this life, and what I make of it now, will forever condemn me. I want what I do not deserve and what I cannot handle.

Just fuck me. Maybe the easy way out is truly the answer. I am sure that I can find a painless way to go.

The thought for today: I realize even as I type this how much harm I am doing. But, I also realize that in the end, I just do not care, and want more pain and judgement. At this point in my life, every failure brings a reason for my hatred and helps me cope even more.

Fuck me. I just spent about 15 minutes typing up some stuff, only to go and hit the back button. Fuck. I hate when I do stupid shit like that. I think that I need to go back to typing in Word and then pasting here.

Anyways, the main points that I covered (which I will go over again tomorrow or on the weekend) are: being a fly on the wall, a cute Fucking Hell in the carseat, and a comment about the sun that was not said. 

I made a comment today that made me see how fucked up I really am. I remember reading about the recent shooting that the guy had started at a dorm and then went to the classroom where he shot the majority of everyone. My comment was that the kid was smart in that he started the shooting on the opposite end of campus, got the school locked down, and then knew exactly where the people that he wanted to kill were going to be. Apparantly noone else thinks that way. Odd, verry odd.

I have not had the time to read it, but the main article on the Herald Leaders page was about his writings. I really need to be more aware of things. People couild start getting the wrong idea from here. Interesting. You know, I have always been seen as the guy who wouild flip out and just kill a bunch of people. I use to never think that I would ever be that angry at people to do such a thing. But time has taught me that it is not so much an anger issue as much as it is an issue with held in frustration, anger, and hate. I will stop here, but if you have any half of a brain, you might be able to figure out where my thoughts are leading. ICKAMAOP.  And no sorrow afterwards.

The thought for today: Yeah. I am seriously fucked beyond all hope. No, there is always hope. I take this from John Carter: As long as I still breathe, there is always hope. I just have to reach within myself, and bring forth to the surface something fair and not this foul ass shit that I have been sludging through for so long. How has it come to this. Where wil it end.  

With every dawning of a new age, there comes The Reckoning. There can be no give without the take, no glory without the sacrifice. And an hour later, I have no clue where I was going with this.

I have come to another fork in the road, in two different areas of my life. I find it odd how life works sometimes.

After seeing the second Lord of the Rings movie, I wanted to grow my hair out like King Theoden. To me, there is something stately in the way that he looked, and I tried so hard to get my hair to accept the length and to keep my goatee. Of course, I can have neither now, but I am hoping to let my hair grow out again in a few years...although maybe not quite as long as I had originally wanted.

The thought for today: I keep wondering, and wondering, and not knowing. While that unknown should help, it doesn't. Honestly, it has always been the unknown that has bothered me the most. That quest, desire, and fear of the unknown is what has brought me to where I am in life today. What does tomorrow hold?

I am so predictable, that I think sometimes I act a certain way only because my mind is use to the route, and knows that it is eaiser to escape than to have a good time. I was about to write that I wonder why I am so off kilter whenever I am around others, but then I realized that I know why. Everyone always has a fucking comment. It is funny becuase I never make any comments to them, or say pretty much anything to them, and yet they are so willing to impose their life, their methods upon me. They cannot excpet the fact that I am who I am, and I do not fit in their world, and I do not want to. Of course, there is that part of me that craves it, but the realist, the mature Richard knows that it is just a waste of time. Honestly, I have a better chance at happiness if I were to just park my car and never drive it again. It is going out into the world and experienceing things that makes me happiest and saddest. I am happiest when I just get in and go by myself to places. That is not entirely correct, as I am sure that I would not like it as much if Ray and the Attacker did not go with me. But the problem is that I have a certain level of social acticity that I am willing to participate in willingly, and I am happy with not going beyond that threshold, but one thing that I am learning is that when you go out with friends, it is not always about what you want to do. I have tried a lot of different things in the past 3 months that I would not have thought possible only a year ago. But now, in order to keep the friends and to want them to keep coming out with me, I have to be willing to try new things.

There is something funny about that mindset. In questioning my relationship to my friends, I have to ask myself why they are my friends. In case you could not tell from reading,  I am prone to random boughts of Depression out of the blue. Now imagine what I type here, and then portray that to my mind and how I must be feeling a lot of the time. So, when out in the world, I have my moments when I am fine, and then others where I just clamp up tight and I talk about very depressing things. "You are an depressing fuck". A part of me likes those comments, but only because I want to talk about it and just rant and rave. I keep talking about it, and try to find the answers, but in the end, I am left with what has always been there: that void where I have to step up and act like a fucking human being, but I do nothing but cower and hide instead. 

I see things in a very, very eschewed light.  I almost have to take double takes every day. Oddly enough it is not the vision that I thought that I would be seeing. I believe that my mind is very simple, and has latched onto certain things with a death grip, and I do not know what it is going to take to make it let go. I need to quit thinking. I wish that I could just shove everything to the back of my mind and not have to think about it again...or atleast not focus on those thoughts 24 hours a day. 

The thought for today: Life is far too hard on somedays. I hope that I go to sleep and fall into a dep and enchanting sleep. I want this nights sleep to be the one from which I never wake, but continue the life that I dream.

2 years, 7 months, and 30 days. 

I find human emotion to be very interesting. It is odd how I can go from one end of the spectrum to the other end, all without realizing it, and in a calming manner. Sometimes I am just so fucking pissed off that I really just want to lash out, hell around, and cry. But the funny thing is that once I am given the break, hours later, I calm down, and those feelings seem so alien. And that is the thing about it; I get so caught up in the moment, hating life and the stupid shit, that I really do not think clearly. I think more about how lucky everyone esle is, that they are not in a gay shop that had to stay 2 hours late after work, and cannot help but wonder why things are passed at the last minute. I think nothing but negative thoughts, and do not fully see that in just another hour or two, I will be resting and relaxing in my room, and hatred and anger will be far from my mind. I do not see it at the time, because my mind is clouded with hate, and the Red blinds my thought process. I need to work on this area of my life so bad. I am letting it get worse and worse, and it is what contributes to that victim mentalitly. I just need to accept things for how they are, and realize that there are poor saps who have it worse than i ever will.

I deal a lot with Black and White, and tend to not see the Gray. I have always lived my life that way, tending to prefer the simplicity, and in fact hating the ambiguity of the middle road. I wish that life were more cut and dry. I hate having to wear the masks that we wear, just to fit in and truly surivive. And I hate that I lack the courage to put forth that true face; lacking the courage not because I fear the way that people will se me, but more because I fear of how I will see me. 

Well, I am definitely getting way too deep into thought today. In Richard exploring life news, I am going to buy tickets for the Modest Mouse concert in L.A. that is coming up in another month. I want to try to get a group of maybe 6 or 8 to go with me, but more than likely, I will end up going by myself :(. "If I knew that he was going, I would have gone". "Hmmm, well I cannot, I am going to watch the band competetion." WTF Mate? So, the concert, being only my second one that I have attended, should shape  up to be a good time. The only thing that sucks is that the concert is on a Sunday night, so I will not be able to explore too much and have a drunk good time, but I think that it has the makings to be good nontheless. 

The thought for today: Opposite ends of the sperctrum. Do I have the strength to throw down my desire? Only time will tell. But, if I do not, well then, life will be even worse. Fuck me. 2 Years and 8 months. That is how I will end the blog for now on, with my time  left in the Corps listed.