a world removed

As much as I may hate it, I also really love this time before I retire for the night. I think that my mind is the calmest that it will be all day long in this last hour. Out there, I would spend this time listening to music and staring at the ceiling before I eventually fell asleep. But now that I am back in the States, I spend the last hour surfing and then having to write. It is an odd range of emotions that filter through my brain housing group before I sleep. I can honestly say that I while I tend to not go to sleep happy, I do tend to go to sleep content. Now, if only I could sleep a little better, then things would be going a little better.

The thought for today: I question the turns that I have made at the crossroads of my life. So many times a make an ill advised decision, doing not what is sane and rational, but what is competely irrational and decided on a whim. That eternal question still burns deep within me: where would I be if I had done this, or this, or this. I seriously want a way to view my life the way that if could have been. How much more depressed would I be right now? I do not say happier, because believei it or not, I do not think that anything in my life would have worked out, and if anything it would have just upset me more. That is odd, is it not? 

I keep so much hidden, and yet, I put so much out there that I mean to keep hidden. My everyday life is going through a lot of different stages right now. I believe in balance, and that I have to balance everything that I want to do in my life in order to be in tune. And so, when any one area suffers neglect, I feel out of place, and slip into the Depression. I can see that, and I know it happens, but on some days, I am powerless to do anything about it. It is like I am being forced into the room, the door locked, and I have no way of getting out. And it is nothing except my own self imposed restrictions. I put limits to my life subconsciously; decide deep down what I want to do, and what not, and then those inner urges control me throughout the day. No matter how much I may want to change or go a different path, I am shackled in my own mind, and thus am doomed to live in this constant sorrow that I hate so much.

I bought David Copperfield in the hopes that my passion for reading would be rekindled. And it was a little bit...in that I read the ending of the book. Moments like at the end of that book, are what make life worth it all. "My sweet Agnes".  Deep down, in the places that I hide from everyone, I mourn the fact that I had a normal childhood. There has been nothing in my childhood that I have had to rise up from and overcome and experience that great struggle. No, it was only after I was all grown up that I made mistakes and actually had to suffer. I argued with her forever about how much I wanted that hard life as a child, and all that she could do was to envy my childhood. But I have always wanted that. I over glorify that great human struggle and more than anything want to feel that great sense of accomplishment in my own life. This is nothing that I can struggle to acheive now that would mean anything to me, nothing that I want and want to truthfully struggle to get. I wonder what the next 25 years will bring that will one day give me that sense and allow me to stand there looking out my window happy and content.

The thought for today: Since I got back from Iraq, I do not type out my entries in Word first. I just type them out with the editor open and then just post them. It is just so much easier this way. Out there, I did not have half an hour to sit here and type. And so, the only way to post was to type the previous night and then copy and paste the next day. To keep some for my own personal record, I have been saving the pages for each month. A little out there I know, but hey, it works for me :).  

The funny thing about Life is that no matter how many times I think that I have it figured out, something will always come out and get me when and where I least expected it to. I see the pattern of my life curling up and and being rolled carefully into a very fragile parchment, that at any time will crumble and I would be left a drift floating out in Life. The funny thing is that I always think that I have a handle on things, and I am far too naive to realize that I am just being led along like a sheep to the slaughter.

I really, really love extended weekends and time off of work. Of course, I do not go anywhere and do nothing with my time, but is nice to be able to enjoy that doing nothing for an extra day or two. I feel so depleted by the end of a normal business day that being able to sleep in, or just sit around all day is a rare treat. Although I do take advantage of the opportunity way too much. But that is my nature, I have come to accept. I am building up to that not taking advantage of things, but I am still a long way off. 

The thought for today: I bought some books on Wednesday night. I am close, oh so close to cancelling my internet. I am losing myself and the things that I desperately want to do because I have the world at my fingertips. Of course, I could just try some control, and dedicate at least 3 hours a night to reading. I will have to figure something out. With me to guide me and to help me is my beloved David Copperfield. I cannot wait to delve back into the book and rediscover every reason I like the book so much. This will be my 4th read through I believe. It is hard to imagine who I was when I first read the book back in my senior year of high school.

I was going to try and do something a little bit different today, but after 15 minutes of just staring at the screen, I figured that I would just go back to my usual writing. I am seriously questioning what makes me tick. Perhaps I do need professional help. It is one thing when I am sad and depressed because I choose to be, knowing that all I have to do is stop being so down and get over myself. But, what do I do when I am just depressed and there is nothing that interests me? Every day, I just want to lay down on my bed, curl up. and just sleep and cry. What is there in my brain housing group that is not letting me function correctly? I have never been one to believe that medicine or doctors can help me with stuff like this, and that to solve these problems, I had to look inward and fix them on my own. But when people cease to matter to me, and I decide to drive after I have had too many beers and just want to run my car off of a cliff, well then I think that there is something really, really wrong. I feel completely numb to the world right now; touch is not a sensation that is felt, hunger is not sated, and thirst is not quenched. I just want to give up and waste away to nothing.

I have no future prospects in the Marine Corps. If I could get promoted on my maturity level and my job skill level like in the civillian world, then I would have no problem stepping up and getting the next rank. But no, in the Marine Corps, you have to play the game and do so much more than just the simple things to get promoted. Everyone keeps asking me when will I get promoted....because to them, it is long over due for me. But the thing about it is that they do not see the world through my fucked up vision. They do not see and feel how worthless I am and how worthless I feel. Noone can understand.

I think that yesterday was the closest that I have ever come in my life to commiting suicide. And how I did not stumble from drunkenness down to the water I do not know. After spending some time at a bar drinking, I went and found a nice little cliff area, that had the rocks and the water far below. It was quite a rush leaning out over the cliff, almost letting myself completely go, and just falling. I honestly do not know what pulled me back in, but I was within a heartbeat of just saying fuck it and letting go of life. It was the most alive that I have felt in my entire life.

The thought for today: I look ahead a few months, and I see some pretty shitty prospects. I thought that things might actually improve a little bit at the end of last week. But, I know now that things in my life will only get much worse before they get better. I am not sure if I have the strength to continue on much longer. Next time, I will not hesitate to just run from my car and jump straight off the cliff. Fuck that, next time I will not hesitate to speed upto 110 on the freeway and then just jerk the steering wheel and end it that way. I am so unstable right now. 

I found a website today that has the looks of being very therapeutic. Psyke is very intersting. I did not spend a whole lot of time reading through there, but what I time I did spend has only made me more interested.  Truth be told, I have always been somewhat of a cutter. While I have never actually  cut myself, I have felt the want to several times. I have always wondered how it felt to willingly slice my own skin. Nothing too deep and life threatening, but just a simple slice here or there, just to see what it would do. In reading some of the tales from the site, many people have claimed that slicing filled an emotional void. That is defintiely one area that interests me. But, it is kind of scary as well. In reading the stories, I realize how addicting it can be. It may start out experimental and only just to try it out, but apparantly you could find somehting in it. It must take away thoughts from other things, and in those moments that you lose blood, act as almost a natural hgih. Of course, the problem is, as with any driug, that once you taste it,  you will want more and more and in higher doses. And then before you know it, you hvae lost yourself to the darkness.

No, I could never be a cutter. As much as I may long for it and fantasize about it, the end result is that I am too chicken. I fear the pain way too much.

The thought for today: It is odd that most, if not all, of the cutters are women. But I guess it makes sense, as men have always been the more irrational and wanting to show off the pain rather than keep it bottled up. 

I have always liked the movie because, well lets face it, I am a hopeless romantic, and it speaks to me. But I realized today that I kind of do not like it either. The whole premise of the story is that if it was meant to be, then each of them would find the note and the book. Of course they are going to go through life always kind of wondering, but that was the essence of the bargain. That one day, maybe they would find the book or that five dollar bill and out of the blue they would contact each other. But the movie had them tracking each other down. OF course, it had that kind of feel when they found each other's respective notes, but that is not the way that I would have thought would have been ideal. What I wanted was for him to receive the book the night before the wedding as his gift, and then to go down the searching path then. By searching beforehand, it became less about that moment out of the blue, and more about his personal indecisions. And for her, she should have gotten the five dollar bill down in Florida, and that would set her on the way to finding him. I feel like it wasn't the full serendipitous moment that it could have been. I was a little disappointed, but it was worth it for that ending. I want to be on that lake one day and have the glove tossed to me as I stare up at the stars. But life is not a movie.

I have been having a blast playing WoW. Each weekend that comes finds me just spending hours upon hours playing the game. I was in kind of a rut last weekend and didn't want to play, but that has passed and I am now ready to keep putting hours upon hours into the game.

The thought for today: My new wireless keyboard that I bought sucks. At first I like it, but now the keys are being all retarded. That and the mouse is not working out too well eithere. For some reason, I just do no have luck with wireless mice. It does not want to be pinpoint accurate like my cord one is...so for now, chalk it up to another eighty dollars down the drain. I am determined to make it work however.

It is these long nights that get me. I stay awake long past when I had decided to go to bed, and just surf the web. Problem one, my mind is already teetering as I am tired, and so my defenses are not even close to working. And two, well, i forgot two. But my point is that I surf the web at the worst possible time for me personally. i have always been the kind of person who spends the last part of the night in quiet thought, letting my mind wander and explore. And that is okay if I just stare at the wall and play some Les Mis, but not very okay when I have a world of information at my fingertips. If I could stop myself from clicking certain links and just go to the mind numbing sites, then I would be okay. But, that lack of defense allows for the "corners of my mind" to be overrun and I always end up going to bed issuing that huge sigh. That long, resenting, remorseful, and unforgiving sigh.

The thought for today: You left no contact information, or maybe I am not paying enough attention to detail. Either way, consider this me messaging you :).

I question things way too much. I wonder about Life and Death way more than I should. Life is just so complex that when I sit down and really think about things, I get lost in my own thoughts. Maybe that is why I am so depressed. I genuinely fear the future and that not knowing feeling more than I should. Most of the time, I can go throughout my day happy and sort of chipper, finding small joys that takes my mind off of the big topics, and that can make the day go by fast and painless. Basically, I distract myself and dumb myself down to drown out the pain. But, it never fails, that at the end of the day, as I am sitting here on my computer, I will come across something, or the mood will strike me, and then I am fucked. My mind goes down that path that I have found so familiar, and anymore offer no resistance to at all. More than reflecting on the past or any other stupid bullshit, my problem now is one of just overall sadness. I will just be sitting here and get hit with overall feelings of unworthiness and sadness.

God, my life is getting so old. This has to be so tiring to read; hell, I know that it is getting tedious to type. But I am just in a rut right now. I have tried, and tried to pick myself up, but something always comes up, and then I slip right back down. It seems that for every step that I take, I lose 3.

The thought for today: I am going to sit down this weekend and do some real soul searching. I have so much stuff that I need to catch up on that I have just been putting aside, that I will make it a point to do that this weekend. Next week, I have to go back to the shop, and as such, I am sure that my life will turn back into hell. It would be a pretty good idea if I got some issues resolved this weekend so that I can at least lead into next week on a good foot. 

So yeah, it would appear that I passed the rifle qualification and shot a low expert. Of the three scores, (marksman, sharpshooter, and expert) expert is obviously the best. Yay, go me. Except for one thing. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that I am a fraud. I was a little excited, then came a knowing smile, and then the truth, and I felt like I was hit in the stomach with a ton of bricks. I felt that sinking feeling that came with my walk to the Company Office in late August, as well as the plane ride back to Kentucky. It hits me in the very core of my being, and truly makes me question the essence of my existence.

The thought for today: I am going to drink myself into oblivion over the weekend. Fuck it. I will start Friday after work, and then just keep drinking all night and all through saturday. Maybe that will kill the pain. 

For some reason, there are just basic skills that I lack. I have always been middle of the road average, never really excelling in anything or being truly great. That has carried over into the Marine Corps in a huge way. I have posted before about not being able to understand certain situations and always following what someone who takes charge lays out. Well that has carried over to the basic skills that all Marines are supposed to have. I cannot shoot my rifle, I suck at the swim qual, and I definitely cannot PT worth a damn. So, overall, I pretty much fail as a Marine. I bring this up because I am now back on the Rifle Range, and tomorrow is my qual day. I seriously belive that I am going to Unq again. I was retarded in Boot Camp, and on qual day overcompensated for the wind and fucked up my chance to qual normally. Later that afternoon, I was able to requal, and I actually did pretty decent, but as a requal, I only got credited for barely passing (the bare minimum). After a few days of shooting, I have no confidence in my abilitles going into tomorrow. I try to apply the fundamentals that we are taught, but after each shot, I am genuinely surprised that I actually hit the target. I will try my best tomorrow, and do everything that I can to qual. I do not know what happens in the Fleet when you do not qual. Probably get yelled at some, called a pice of shit, and have to shoot again. I will have to see.

I had an interesting experience today. A comment was made that truly has me questioning. I cannot help but feel anxious, and at the same time a little nervous. People change so much over the years, go through so many different events and learning exxperiences that I can see how awkward and relieving reunions can truly be. But still over all, that desire to know takes control and I cannot help but wonder. Since I have had this blog, I have gotten reactions where I did not expect them, and from people that I definitely did not expect. I am so unstable that I have permanently hurt my relationship with at least half a dozen (and probably more) people. I have started to read back throiugh all of my previous entries like I have said that I would, and it seems like a totally different person wrote the previous entries. But of course, that is just the natural progression of life. I have noticed similar things in my own life. At the time, the feelings and emotions seem so clear, that it is only weeks, months, or even years later that I lookk back and realize how truly irrational I was at the time, and how immature. Even as I post this, I know that things will change, and I will read this one day and question. But, that is the nature of the beast.a

The thought for today: What am I thinking? I need to remeber vows...but instead I think that I can jjuggle. It will all come crashing down around me, I can already tell. Oh well, here is to it all.