a world removed

I have mentioned this before, and I will again, but I am constantly amazed everyday at the lessons that I learn. Life is so vast and complex that when I sit here and dwell on it, I get lost sometimes. I am kind of in that mind numbing stage right now where I get lost in WoW just so I do not have to think about anything else. I remember being out there and thinking about all of the things that I wanted to accomplish when I got back to the states, and how I would use my time wisely and play catch up to for so much lost time. Well, 5 months home, and I know that I am not using my time wisely. I have to start questioning certain things at this point. I have not done anything that I had meant to do upon returning. No quaint little coffee house found, no sunsets or sunrises seen, and no mountains being hiked. I am extremely disappointed in this rut that I have fallen into. I tried to get out there and do things, but when it comes to doing the things that I have yearned to do, I get anxious, and cannot force myself to step out the door. I need to work in this.

The thought for today: I feel something tugging there, in the corners of my mind, trying to shake the mired mud off of me. I need to do more.  

Go here. Out in Iraq, the share drive had this video of an HBO special of Flight of the Conchords. I remember Ray showing it to me, and at the time I found it really funny. But at that time, I was on my whole television show kick, and did not pay that much attention to it. Well now that I have been back, I have actually been doing some research on them, and I am excited about their new HBO series. I watched the first episode about two weeks ago, and cannot wait for new episodes to air soon. I was listening to NPR this afternoon while driving to a different part of Base, and they were interviewing Brett and Jermaine and mentioned that Jermaine had a new movie coming out. Of course, I was instantly intrigued and looked around a little bit. Sure enough, Eagle vs Shark has been a hit at Sundance, and is set to open here tomorrow. I do not believe that anywhere around me will be playing it (L.A. probably will, but I do not want to deal with traffic), but I looked around some more, and on Monday of next week, they are having a screening down in San Diego. Well awesome. So, I have signed up for that as well as the next Monday. I am not sure if I will get out of work on time on this Monday, and so as a precaution, I have the 2nd of July that I am taking a leave day on, so I will definitely not miss it then. Of course, I will probably end up going to see both showtimes lol. That is, if I can work up enough nerve to actually leave my room and interact with people.

I kind of miss days like this. For the first time in over a week, I have not logged into WoW. At first, the game was a little addictive, to where I wanted to play all the time, but then it kind of got boring and I did not want to run around here or there and do what I needed to do. But now that I have reached the Outlands, I want to just spend all day playing the game. I want to reach that plateua. So far the game has been everything that I have wanted it to be and that I have been hoping for since Iraq. But, that constantly playing mode has left other areas of my life lacking. I am a slave to the internet. There are so many different things out there that I have wanted to check on and to explore, that playing has distracted me from. I just went through my bookmarks, and there were about 50 sites that I bookmarked to come back to later...whether they were from Ray while I was playing or some other random thing that I found interesting, but unwilling to check at the time. Either way, I was able to visit a good majority of the sites tonight, and look at some things that I have been meaning to. I still have a decent amount to sift through, but that is a work in progress. 

I am going to try to set aside at least 2 days a week to not playing the game. I figure that Thursdays are a good night, and then probably Mondays. With a break every few days, I will be able to keep my inner self in balance and not drive myself totally crazy.

The thought for today: My music kick is still in full swing. I am going to have to keep Te Coffeehouse playing while I play WoW. There is just too much good music out there that I wan to experience. 

I see how fragile Life can be. Day after day passes by, and people move on, and through it all, I sit back a quiet observer on the outside. I know certain things just from my observing, that I do not know if other people know that I know. Voyeurism can be a very enlightening thing sometimes. I find it odd that I can be so apart of someone's life just by being an unseen nobody, and yet they have no clue what is going on in my world. Sometimes I think that I delve too deeply...but I keep coming back.  I am on that eternal quest to answer the questions of my Life.

Question: What is it that lies beneath the surface?

Fact: Life is not as hard as I make it out to be. I just balk at playing the game.

The thought for today: The more that I slink back and do not speak up, the more that I am going to have to bust my ass later on down the road. The things that I want for the next few years will not come easily. 

Everything has now changed. It is funny what one little stripe will do to a person. But then again, maybe it is not so much that person as much as it is my perception of that person. I am always quick to fall into that bitch role, it just comes naturally to me. And so when change occurs, it is so much simpler to just shut people out. To me, it is easier that way, and we all know that I take the easy way out. So things change.

The thought for today: Silence is all that I have to offer now. Not anger...I need to get away from that face. But just simply silence and and that great sigh. I need to be Eeyore, or whatever the fuck the donkey's name is in Pooh. Show no  joy, and just mope around. But, above all, I need to alienate myself from everyone, so that way, they all leave me the fuck alone and do not bother me. 

Does there come a point in Life where you hit that wall, and there are but two ways to go, one leading to failure and the other leading to success? I use to think that was the case, that when I came to those walls and had to look within my self to overcome the obstacles, that I could reach down deep and find a strength and resolve that would normally lay dormant. But, the more that Life goes on, and days pass me by, I am beginning to see that all I do is just get by. I do not go the extra mile, and I barely scrape by. I so want to go out there and tackle some of the mountains that I have given up on, but it is just so hard! To do so, requires me to go way out of my comfort zone, and yes, forces me to man up, and I would just rather be a bitch. I hate saying that, and I hate the fact that I have that mentality, but there is really nothing that I can do about it. I have trapped my mind into this one way thought process and no matter I do, there is no breaking the bonds. Of course, it is not like I have been doing the right things or trying the right way, because truthfully, I am a worthless piece of a wasted soul. I really just want to give and quit right now. I have no true spirit to continue this path that I am on. I do not know why. AND IT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF.

I am going to hate my life all day tomorrow. It will start bad, drag on throughout the day with some more stupid shit thrown in there, and then end in the worst possible way that it could. I feel so worthless right now. I will have to deal with so much shit tomorrow, some external, but for the most part, it will all be internal emotions and self loathing. I have squandered opportunities, and now they are practically giving it away, and I still do not make the score. Why do I even care anymore?? I fucking hate my life. Blah blah blah blah blah. Emo bullshit inserted. Same old post after post after post.

The thought for today: Should I seek professional help? But then, what can a shrink tell me that I cannot already tell myself? I do not want to tell my life to some stranger, but I want to be perfectly honest with someone and share everything with them. Maybe that is the problem, that overwhelming urge that has been building all these past 6 years.