a world removed

I cherish days like today. I know this exasperated feeling all too well, and as much as I hate it, I really do like going through these days. I learn a little more about myself with the passing of everyday. Sometimes, I hate myself at the end of the day, all for varying reasons. And then at the end of others, I cannot help but to sit back and be contemplative. It may just be the time of year, but I seriously feel something bad coming my way. I seriously do not think that my parents will live through the next 10 years. That saddens me to no end. Sometimes, throughout the day, I allow myself to think about these things, and I am hit with an overwhelming sadness. It serioulsy makes me contemplate at certain times.

I am at a loss on how I have been able to get through life so far. I have always excelled in just falling through the cracks unnoticed, and until now have not been called out on it. That is coming to an end very fast these days. More and more I am required to step up, and I right now, I just have stilts that can get blown over with the slightest of breezes.  I am working on a firmer foundation...but so far I have had no luck.

The thought for today: I can feel that old weight pressing down on my shoulders again. I sense the great struggle, and the upheaval that comes next. Hopefully, I am in better spirits to handle the next couple of weeks. "It is like having two kids around"  

For the most part, I have settled into a routine these couple of weeks. Of course, it has been as stressful as hell, and with the deployment coming up, it is only going to get worse in the next couple of months, but I am ready for all of the stupid shit. For the previous deployment, I only had about 2 months worth of stupid shit to go through. But for this deployment, there is going to be a full four months of bullshit to go through. Some of it is decent training, and is good all around, but then the rest of it is nothing more than a waste of time. I seriously wonder if gaining rank makes you lose a few screws in the head. Some of the time, it seems like those leading come up with the most retarded shit, almost like they are following a manual and cannot adjust it for our situation. In the end, I will just get the job done by doing my part. I have my ways of coping with this life that I lead, and hopefully I can keep the coping up.

I have been giving a lot of thought to my last remaining months in the Marine Corps. After this next deployment, and once I arrive back in the states, and have taken care of all the Post Deployment bullshit, I will still have about 8 months left on my contract. I could just spend those 8 months dealing with the bullshit that is going to be thrown at me and that is part of Garrison life, or, I can push for something more. I am going to try to do everything that I can to get on a float for the last 8 months that I am in the service.  My whole reason for joining the Marine Corps was to see the world. So far, I have definitely experienced more than my liitle hometown in Kentucky, but I still want more. If I could go out on ship and tour Thailaind, Korea, and other Eastern countries, it will make my 5 years even better. So, that is what I will try to push for about 3/4 of the way through the deployment, trying to get my name put on a roster. Knowing my luck though, I will miss out, and will be stuck living life in the Garrison for the last few months. 

The thought for today: I find the relationship between Desire and Need very confusing. I struggle with several issues everyday, and although I can usually find a balance for them, it is nothing more than just misdirecting focus to something else. Those Desires never go away, instead just kind of become transparent, all to help me cope and get through the day. I am caught up in that relationship that has formed. I am tired, and it is sleep time.  Hah. I found something today that you would like. I live in the past.

I have been struggling with something ever since I got my new computer. For the most part, it is my own fault. I was stupid and within two weeks of getting ym computer, I plugged in someone's IPOD, and got a virus on my computer. Of course, I transferred that virus over to Ray's computer. Oddly enough, it didnt affect our computers too bad until we got home and was hanging out at his house. Of course, we had access to the internet then, so it was a simple update to the virus definitions, and we had a clean computer. i had to tweak things a little bit, but it worked ok. My one mistake was in not reloading my computer then. I hate that new computers come with stupid bloatware and that you cannot get just a regular OS cd so that I can install the software myself. So, I put it off and put it off, and it finally caught up to me. Well, that and something else. I am kind of stupid sometimes, and although I was running Norton Security Center, I was not running any real anti-virus software. So, I try to install the software, and my computer crashes. Hmmm. Well, sounds like a time to reinstall. So, I have been transferring files over to my external for the past 5 hours. My computer is so bogged down that it is taking it forever to transger the files over. But, it is a needed price to pay. I only have a few concerns, as I am not sure how the install process will work out for me. I have already verified that the cd that I am going to use will except my code, but when it comes to verify and register, I wonder how many loops I am going to have to jump through. I hate the Microsoft licensing rules, and more than likely will screw myself over, as I am sure that it will not register my reinstall as a valid copy of windows, and more than likely when I call Microsoft, they will say that I am screwed, and that I have to use the manufacturer given reimage. Interesting thought. When I call, I will just say that I used the reimage software, totally omitting the fact that I used another Media Center Edition cd that I had. By the gods, but I love cheating the system some times.

I will have a lot on my plate in the next coming week. I seriously do not know my job as well as I should. Sure, I know it better than almost everyone in the shop, but that is the thing that I have always excelled at. I have always been above the average when it comes to knowledge, but when paired against others, I fall short on so many levels. I can get the basics of how things work easily than others can...but when it comes down to the nitty gritty and actually knowing more than just the common masses, I have always fallen short. I struggle to grasp the core concepts of certain things, instead, being able to grasp them on a general scale, which aids me a little. But, my one problem has always been, that when I am asked to perform, I choke miserably. It will be a major problem in the upcoming year, and if not fixed, will truly lead to me walking around America as a bum.

The thought for today: I have been extremely tired as of late. I am not sleeping well at all. There is no real reason that I know of, other than me just being very restless. I will try to take Saturday and force myself to sleep in and relax some. That might help.

And so a year has passed. I think of the many twists and turns that my life has taken this past year...and in the end, I realize that it was all for the best. Things might not have played out the way that I wanted (at the time), but one thing that I have learned, is that I decide so many different factors in my life. I am the one responsible for my own happiness, for my actions, and trying to place those on the woes of life or circumstances, is not helping me any. Of course, I still struggle with this, as I see what I want and cannot have, and it is something that a part of me will struggle with probably as long as I live. I do not have the kind of character that moves on easily...and I will always be prone to look back and think and wonder. The thing that I am really learning, however, is to not let those looks back take control and get me depressed. Over the past two months, I have been doing a lot better than I thought that I would be. A lot of it has to deal with the fact that I am occupying my mind on other things, yes, but still, I am making progressive steps forward. They may be baby steps, but they are at least going in the right direction.

The thought for today: There is something that I truly need to work on, and that I have put off for far too long. Even if it is a little bit each night, that will be something. I need to resolve to spend an hour each night and just let my thoughts flow. I wish my roommate would stay on vacation for a few more weeks. A room to myself is nice. 

The stupidity of the Marine Corps will never cease to amaze me. I seriously wonder if the guys calling the shots sit around all day and come up with shit just to keep us busy. We have these things called COC, which stands for Combat Operation Center. It is designed to be portable, so that at any time, we can up and move our main operating base to another location and be able to set up Communications within a matter of an hour or two. Sounds good in thought, but the way that we actually the system is that we take all of the components, rat fuck them the way that we want, and put the whole system into a hardened building, never planning on moving. So, if all that are going to do with the system is set it up once, and most likely any place that we deploy to will already have one set up, what is the point of setting one up, only to tear it down, and then set it up again? We are going to be doing a little back yard op in the next month, and that is what we are going to do. We are going to tear the whole system down, move it out to a Forward Operating Base, and then set the system up there. This is the so fucking stupid. We should treat the building that currently has the COC system as the main operation base and then send out another system to the FOB. That is the way that we do it in war. Yes, part of my reasoning is based on a natural inclination to not want to pakc up a huge system into about 20 boxes and then load and unload those boxes. But, the majority of my thoughts on this come from the fact that I have been out there to Iraq, as have several of the Officers and Staff that are the lead decision makers in this process. How do they not see that all that they are doing is killing our morale? Moving the main operation center is so fucking stupid. We will never do that in the "war" that we are fighting now. Chances are, when I get back out to Iraq, I will be doing the same thing as last year: manning a helpdesk, and showing computer illiterate fucks how to print. The Marine Corps is so fucking stupid. Truthfully, I would not mind, if my job back here in the states was not as stressfull as my job in Iraq. Here, there is so much fucking bullshit to deal with regarding NMCI, that it is all just a politics game and drives me fucking crazy.

I watched a movie today that I have been meaning to watch for the past week: Cashback. I can really, really identify with this movie. I fall prey to insomnia quite often, although never to that far an extreme. For me, it is more of a stay up real late, and then decide to get a few hours of sleep before the next day starts. And I can totally agree with the reason behind the insomnia. That is kind of what caused my own about a year ago. Holy shit. It has been a whole fucking year now. I cannot believe how fast that time has passed. Of course, as is usual, my mind is pretty much into overdrive right now, and I keep wanting to explore different scenarios, to see how the end result could have been better. I will eternally curse my sister for taking her own life. I am kind of divided on the whole topic, as in some cases I believe that the events that came as a result of me coming home on emergency leave would not have happened the way that they did if I had come home in November. There are so many variables to this. What if she had not died? Then I would not have gotten to see my grand mother one last time before she passed away. But, in the end, does it matter to me? Do I want that last goodbye, or do I truly crave that inner want and need for happiness? How different would my Portland trip have been had I gone there under normal circumstances and not the stressful ones that I did? How much worse would it have been? I think that either way I was doomed. Because had I gone in November, I would have had to face my grandmother's death. Holy shit. I would not have even visited Portland, and then where would that leave me today? So many fucking thoughts going through my head.

One thing that I am learning, however, is that no matter how I think about things, I realize that the way that things have turned out is all that I have. I can cling and grasp to the past, constantly wondering what might have been, but what does that get me? A whole lot of restless sleep. Or, I can think back to those experiences, look at where I am now, and how I have gotten here, and truly learn from them and become a better man. Interesting. Learn from the past...when all too much I wallow in it, constantly regretting it all. I am getting better in some aspects, but still have a long journey ahead of me.

The thought for today: I want that unexpected meeting to happen. But the thing is, that I look for it way too often. I need to turn off my mind and just let things flow. It would be great if I could do that. I think that I am due two unexpected meetings in my life...although I do not believe that they will happen any time soon. That saddens me, and yet I accept it and will move on. What other choice do I have? 

I hid something, thinking that I really did not need to see the content on the dvd. I could have sworn that I copied the movies onto my hard drive...but apparantly I did not. And of course, I cannot find the dvd. Fuck. I just want to watch.

The thought for today: I should have just left it out. I would not have this problem that I am having now. You could send me another one :). No. That is way to much to ask. 

I have actually surprised myself this weekend. About two months ago, I bought a ticket for Blizzcon, and even though I had that force in me that did not want to attend, I was able to force myself to go. Actually attending was a huge step for me, as I have lately been prone to chicken out and not go places. Overall, I had very good time. I met up with some of the people that Zach used to play with on Coilfang, and I was actually able to converse with them and have a good time. After the costume contest Friday night, we decided (make that they decided, as I wanted to leave so bad) to go to a restaurant, specifically The House of Blues. After about 45 minutes, and a mile if walking, we finally found the place, tucked away inside of an outdoor mall right near Disneyland. The thing that caught my attention the most was the fact that there were so many kids out and about. Disneyland was closing about the time that we arrived, in fact, we watched the fireworks as we left the convention hall, and for being midnight, there were a ton of kids running around. We ended up waiting about 20 minutes at the House, and then some random guy invited us to the ESPN zone, saying that he had a group of BLizzcon attendees and they would hold a table for us. So, we got up and went over there....which meant that they were just at the bar, and we had to wait another 20 minutes for a table lol. But no biggie, as we were having a good time talking to each other and what not. The main thing that sucked about the drive back to base, about a 45 minute drive, is that there was an accident, and just 5 miles from base, and it took me an hour and a half to get to base. That sucked for two reasons. One, I fucking hate traffic. And two, well, I was a little tired, and I pretty much almost crashed about 4 or 5 times. It is an odd feeling driving along the road having a good sense of what is going on, and then in the blink of an eye, not really knowing how the last 100 to 200 yards passed you by. Very disconcerting.

So, against my inner want, I made the trip for a second day to Blizzcon. Again, I was a little impressed with how much I enjoyed the day. We again met up with the people from the day before, and  had a good time overall. Around 4 we had had enough, and after some pictures, we headed on out. We had planned on watching a movie, but that did not work out too well, and after an hour at the mall, called it a day and came back to the Barracks.

Now onto the main event. I have two key things that I want to touch on about this weekend. The first one will not be all to surprising, but I have a new outlook on it, and so it is not so much a depressing whine (Ray says that all I ever do is whine and complain...I know that he is right) as much as it is a contented realization. So, I finally have come to terms with why it is so hard for me to go out and mingle with people. No matter how hard I try, every woman who is short and has curly hair (whether it is blond or brunette) reminds me of her, just as every woman who fits that image that I have stuck in my mind, reminds me of the other her. It is not so much that I look around and despair at what I see, but I just cannot force myself to concentrate on any other thing besides the two Goddesses that I want to see. There is a part of me that is begging for that chance encounter, and that holds out for something, make that anything, to happen. I have noticed this before when I go out, but it has never been this bad. But, being around hundreds and hundreds of people, and seeing images of my Goddesses, it only served to drive the point home. I wonder how other people cope. Especially people who have had committed relationships and have lost so much more than I have. I mean truth be told, I have had nothing lost but just a broken dream and glimmer of desire and need. I have never had any truly invested in anything to ever really lose much. And that fact just makes things so much harder. Because why can I not shut my mind off, and why do I inspect every woman that walks by and after every face see those images? Truth be told, I do not see the image that I knew so much as the image that I have implanted in my mind. I tend to lose memory of faces and experiences, and so I know that what I imagine I see is not at all what is real. A very disconcerting thought. But, one thing that I have learned from this weekend, is that I still have some things to settle within myself, not so much with coming to terms with things, as much as it is being able to shut off my mind. I need to turn off that part of me that is always looking and hoping. Maybe another year of Iraq will solve the the problem.

Moving on. I am a voyeur. I cannot state that enough. I love to sit back and watch people, and wish that I could be a fly so many times just so I can fly where I want to and really be a voyeur. At Blizzcon, they had these computers set up to where you could play WoW or other games, just to test the computers out. A lot of people would get on and play WoW without regard to anyone around them and just go do there thing. Well, Zach waited in line so that he could hop on and show the people from Coilfang is character. While he was waiting, this woman (and yes, she reminded me a lot of a certain goddess) got on and was not even playing, but just chatting with her ex-boyfriend. Well, lucky for me, I just happened to be in line behind her, and the voyeur in me had a front row seat to some eavesdropping. I had no real regard, as she chose to do this in a public place with people all around her, so to me, it was easy to justify being an ass and laughing at what I was reading. Of course, she tried to hide the text screen and what not, but I was able to get my fill and read what she was typing and what was being sent to her. If anything, I got my thirst whetted for voyeurism yesterday. I do not know why, but there is a part of me that begs to look into people's lives, to see what they do, and try to figure why they do. I am almost tempted to start making little mini cameras and microphones that I can put on people as they walk on by. Of course, it is mainly only women that I am interested in. I have everything that is needed to be a stalker and a serial killer. Just not the guts and the insanity. But the desire and need is surely there.

The thought fot today: Spending every weekend in October watching the entrance to Disneyland is not too creepy is it? Maybe I will get a job there, so that way I would have a legit reason if, if, I actually see the Wild Rose and Sun. I forgot about that...the Sun is really what reminds me of her. There are way too many blond 5 year old girls running around. 

I am pretty sure that I will have a hard time sleeping tonight. I have a whole world at my fingertips, and I am bored. This is definitely an odd feeling. Thrill seeking to get that high. When standing upon that cliff's edge, that second right before...is there another moment in life that gets you as high? I have not found it yet.

I have a question here or there, and wish, oh how I wish, I could go back in time. There comes that point of no return, and yet the other out is still always there.

Okay, enough of the cryptic righting for tonight. I am truly a bad friend. I have not talked with anyone from back home in about 5 months. Since I have returned back to California from leave, it is as if there is a wall that is there. A wall that I put up myself true, but it is just like I stopped wanting to communicate with them. I do not truly know why that is. I waste sio much of my time anymore. I have had one of the hardest times adjusting to life since I got back from Iraq. Goddamn it. How long will I continue to use that as my excuse? For a whole year, all that I did was go bust my ass for about 13 hours a day, and then go to my trailer and lay down and watch movies and television shows. A whole year of no productivity, and I miss it. Now that I have the time and ability to do what I want, I miss that lack of freedom. It pains me to spend so much time in my room playing on a fucking computer, and yet, I know that I cannot do anything else. Things are so much more simple when you have no choice in what you can do on your time off.

The thought for today: I truly sigh because I know...deep down I know. I will never have what I truly want out of life, and when the end comes for me, I will be a broken shell of a man, who reminisces about what might have been and never truly moves on. Desire has too much of a hold over me. I should neve, never have dared to hope and dream. I think that it was all in the timing. Wistful sigh, close my eyes, and dream about the rain and the drive away.