a world removed

I am upset about something tonight. This guy stole my idea. Before I deployed last year, I had the idea to write to my local home town newspaper and then send in a weekly letter to detail my great year out in Iraq. For reasons that you should know by now (I am a coward) I never did. I serioulsy have to wonder how different my attitude would be now had I written those letters. How would doing so haved challenged me to rise above the simple complacency that I settled into out there, and how much more would I have accomplished if I had to keep a weekly letter to the editor. I think that it would have benefited me greatly, or even hindered me in some aspects.

The thought for today: I will spend this weekend doing some heavy thinking. I have put some things off for far too long, and it is time that I figure them out.

I am quitting WoW. I have some things coming up in the next month that will keep me from playing the game, and I have decided that it is better if I just quit now. And plus, I need to start getting my mind ready for the upcoming year, and start focusing on some last minute things that I need to get in order before the deployment. I must say that the one problem that I have had with WoW is my one fear going into the game. I am such a loner that it has been hard for me to play with other people. I have been able to succeed on the small scale, as far as forming groups to do 5 man instances, but have been very unsuccessfull in getting into a guild to Raid and get the better gear. I have been able to get all that gear that a Mage can get without doing the higher raids,  but that is like preparing for a day at the beach and then never going. But in the end, it is my fault. I had the chance to get into a good guild (Hell, I was in it) but quit because I was not 70 yet. I hate myself for doing that so much. I should have just stuck it out in that guild and then I would probably not be having the problem that I am now. But oh well. I have had a lot of fun playing the game, but now it is just getting way too tedious. The funny thing is that I regret what I have missed out on. There are so many things that I missed out on because I started playing after The Burning Crusade came out. I have never wished that I had not joined the Marine Corps more than this past year.

The thought for today: /sigh. 

I felt something last weekend that I have never felt in my life. I am pretty stable now, and I have no plans of just saying fuck it and ending it all. I have been so depressed over this past year, that I have had no cause to think of the death other than because I was depressed. But last week, I let my mind wander a little bit, and I have found two other reasons why someone would end their lives prematurely. My reason has always been that I am just a depressed loser. But, when I let my mind wander, I see the true darkness that lies beneath the surface. I had this very intense feeling last week of just wanting to escape. I had a feeling that last week would be a pretty tough week, forcing me to rise way above my comfort zone, and put everything that I know to the test. Rather than rise to the occasion, and try to look forward to the challenge ahead, I had this intense want to run away. I did not want to face the week, and wanted to be as far away as I could possibly get. Feeling this, I let my mind wander more, adn I realized that the need to escape can drive any person to the brink. The one thing that came with that escape was a burning question: what is there after this life? That want to answer that question can be so compelling that it leads past that "point of no return". What is there after this life? When it all ends, what happens? When faced with the day to day life, it can sometimes seem better to face that question and seek out the answer. I used to have such strong convictions...but those all went away. In the end, my problem is that I am way too much of a coward to seek out the answers. Not to mention that I am way too complacent. I am kind of curious to see how life will pan out for me in the next few years. I want to just run away so much. Not to end it, but just to be a bum. Life can be too hard, that how much easier is it to just not face the day to day problems. Go from town to town working an odd job here or there. Enough of that talk.

I can feel that escape feeling. I really, really do not want to face the first two weeks in October. Life has finally caught up to me, and I am going to have the worse two weeks that I have had in a long time. I know that dealing with it will make me so much stronger, and I know that I will enter it with an open mind, but oh god how I do not want to.  I truly believe that the most trying time in my life is coming up. How fitting that it comes so close to my birthday. One quarter of a century is down. How will this next quarter pass?

The thought for today:  I have shownmy worth in some aspects of life. Now it is time for me to step it up and prove that I have earned this Title. 

There is this feeling that I feel after every "session". I am not entirely sure what it is, but overall, I do not feel the bliss that I expect. It builds and builds for about a week, and then when I get that release, I just have an overwhelming sense of "bleh". And it is not that the release isn't all that good. But the build up is definitely better than the actual climax. Why is that? Afterwards, I just sit in my chair in quiet contemplation. I think it may be that there is no real resolution. I like things to progress evenly, and then have a smooth finish. It seems like with each session, it is just BAM, and it is over. I do not really have any final gliding to a smooth landing, more like i just get to the spot, and just drop down. An obvious solution, is just to end my sessions altogether, which I have tried before. But, like I have said, the frustrations of everyday life keep adding up, and before I know it, I just have that overwhelming sense and urge that I just need to release. And of course, afterwards, I just sit there staring at my computer. In the end, I guess I am just unfulfilled.

The thought for today: Life is passing me by, and for the most art, I am just a mindless drone. I do not mind it all that much, as I want to be in that drone status for now. But, I need to spend the next year out in Iraq working on a few things, so that when I do get back, my mind will be prepped and prepared and ready to tackle life. Wandering Amos is what I can see; almost what I crave.

The feeling is Shame 

It is a year to this weekend. Wow. Day by day, I cannot help but look back and see how much life has changed. It is just one of those undeniable truths, that life will constantly evolve. While there are negatives to face when looking back, there are certainly a lot of positives. How much new things have I discovered because of past experiences, whether good or bad? While yes, sometimes I do look back and lament a lot, I spend an equal amount of time enjoying the new things that have come along in my life. On somedays, I truly hate myself for putting so much of my time into WoW, but it is just serving as my coping mechanism for the time being. I truly mean to do a lot more in the next year. I am sure that I will have my days where at the end, all that I want to do is just sit down and watch movies like I did last year, but I am truly going to try to push myself this next year. I want more from this deployment besides a lot of movies. But see that is the catch. I like to live through television shows or through movies, as they represent everything that I am not, and cannot have. But at the same time, I want to do so much more. I just need to turn off that side of my brain that wants to laze around.

The thought for today: After about another two months, I may call it quits. I really do not want to, but there are so many things that I need to do before deployment that I definitely do not want to get over there and be stressed because I did not give myslef the proper amount of time to relax before I leave.