a world removed

After being in Iraq all of 2006, and experiencing the intense heat that comes throughout the year, I have forgotten how incredibly cold that it can get. I will never forget my first experience in country in early February of 2006. When we landed off the plane in Kuwait and then went to the base to await further transport, it was definitely not the first experience that I had expeted from Iraq. I remeember that it was raining and cold, and very uncomfortable. Nothing can compare to entering a new environment in conditions that makes your life uncomfortable. My hands were freezing, my nose was running, and I did not sleep well that first night. With that experience, I was definitely prepared for the cold, although subconsciously, if not knowing that I was. When we first got to Kuwait this time, although prepared, I did not exactly heed what my mind knew to do. The tents that we stayed in did not have working heaters, and as such, I slept right next to a heater that blew cold air on me while I tried to sleep. Any smart person would have eithr  moved away from the heater, or pulled out a sleeping bag and sleep comfortably. But not me. I just kind of roughed it and slept with my poncho liner and pretty much froze uncomfotably. Of course, I caught a nasty cold once we finally got to Al Asad, But I got through that just fine with some help from some cold medicine.

A weird thing happens to me out here when I try to sleep. Besides the fact that I have an inability to sleep, I like to sleep in the searing heat. Normally, I am not that big a fan of artificial heat. I have always been prone to getting headaches anytime I feel intense heat that I cannot control. But oddly enough, when I plug in the little space heater in my room, I do not get the same headaches. Instead, I seem to rather enjoy the intense heat. Usually, do not acutally sweat all that much, but last nigth was different. During the night, I awoke to an intense feeling of actually having overlsept (I did not) and I was drenched in sweat. I cannot explain why I like this intense heat so much. Of course, it gets uncomfortable when I am awake, but while I sleep, I think that it gives my mind a focus. I know that does not make sense, but it is the best that I have at this time. I remember that I was the same two years ago. Even in the summer, when it was 120+ outside, and my room got extremely hot. To sleep, I would have to turn off the air conditioner, and sleep in the heat. For some reason, I just really like to sweat.

The thought for today: During Comm School, I would go to the gym and enjoy some time in the sauna. When I get back from Iraq, I am definitely going to look into getting a gym/spa membership somewhere so that I can go to a sauna a few times a week. I find the overall experience cleansing.

Let me just say this up front. This post is not intended to be a complaining post all about my faults and yaddi yaddi yaddi, here I go complaining again....ad nauseam. I do not intend to take this post to that level. Instead, I intend for this to be a full evauluation of some key areas in my life, and a clear and concise analysis of who I am.

My biggest problem in life, as I see it, is that I am knowledgable, but I do not understand things. I know how to tell something to work, but I do not understand the theory behind things. I am more of an imitator than anything else. I know how to build a server and program a switch, but I do not necessarily know how it all works together, and the thing that I dread the most is that something will go wrong, and I will not have the knowledge to fix the issue. And so far, when something has gone wrong, I have never been able to explain fully what the issue or figure it out. In my field, in order to suceed, it is necessary to know how things work out and the relationship between devices. I know that this is the same for pretty much any field, but I just feel so inadequate on a daily basis. To my thinking, I do not know enough right now to be able to hope for much of a job when I get out of the Marine Corps. I know that I can get a small entry level position, but I do not feel that I could hope for much after that. I had a conversation with "Dawg" yesterday, and he was under the impression that anyone getting out of the Corps in our field should be making at least $50-$60 thousand a year. While I have always believed that I could get such a job, I have always had that self doubt. I am learning more and more everyday, but I still do not know enough. The knowledge that I need in order to have a job better than entry level still alludes me at this point. Of course, it is my fault. Too many times when I have should have been looking at information or trying to learn more, I have been too busy playing WoW or doing other things. This feeling is funny. While I am working, I have such an intense desire to learn more and try to research things, but the moment that I get out of the shop, I feel that desire fade away, and all that I want to do is to go back to the room and just become a mindless drone, watching show after show. I need to break out of this mindset.

The other issue that is currently bothering me is how much I have missed out because of my deployments to Iraq. For the longest time, I have been a Fantasy Freak. I have loved getting lost in books and movies, and always seen it as my escape from the real world. To me, WoW is by far the answer to all of that. By playing that game, I can escape to that fantasy world and go out and do quests and kill monsters. But being out here, I have been unable to play the game, and have fallen behind so much. I tried to play as much as I could last year to make up for lost time, but it just was not good enough. I was still way behind by the end of the year, and really had not progressed as much as I had originally thought that I would or could have. Of course, it is my fault as I made some mistakes in leaving a good Guild, but it is also the fault of my deployment. Had I not been deployed, I could have gotten into a prety solid guild. But then again, I had problems talking to people, and in the end, I could never work it out and lost too many chances.

Anyways, more than anything, I just miss the lost chances that I have had over the past two years. I know that I may never get the chance to advance as far as I want to in the game, and that makes me sit unwell. But, in the end, I know that it is just a game, and that I should use my time more wisely to study, and actaully do something that will benefit me later in life.

The thought for the day: It is definitely time for me to do more. I have so much more that I need to study and learn about.

For the longest time, I have felt like posting, but I could not bring myself to do so. Those moods that strike me to write are gone all too fast anymore. I feel thoughts form throughout the day, and I want to sit down and write them out, but that paralysis returns, and in the end, those thoughts do not come and another day goes by with me not making a post. I have some understanding of this paralysis, but the true cause still eludes me.

I believe that a lot of it stems from my personal perception of my life. This blog has not turned into what I once thought that it had the potential to be. Of course, I am naive, and truly believe that i can write, and that one day I will be a great writer. But I think back to the previous posts that I have made, and go through all that I have been through over the past two years, and I cannot help but feel a slight disappointment. Instead of being a place where I can sharpen my skill and gain a true edge, this has turned more into a show. That is part of the reason that I am hesitant to repost here. I cannot help but feel shame for some of my previous posts, and realize how rediculous I have been over the past years.

But, in the end, I realize that I cannot let my previous mistakes hinder me in what I believe to be beneficial for me. I know that I have a long way to go in realizing my dream of becoming a writer, and that I will have to go to school and take classes if I truly want to advance in this skill area. But, I believe also that I can use this correctly and make it the sounding board that I want it to be. And to that end, I will try to post coherent thoughts in the upcoming weeks and try to not turn this into a negative place as I have in the past.

The thought for today: Suffice it to say, life is very interesting for me right now.