a world removed

I do not believe that I went one day during my last deployment wishing that I had a better SNCO. I remember thinking that I could not have a worse leaership and that he made our lives so stupid and difficult. I never thought that I would think what I am about to type...but I wish that he was back now. Compared to the SNCO that I have now, I would suffer through two of my previous SNCO's at the same time. I have a whole list of things that I dislike about him, both personal and professional items, that when added up, make me hate him and every second that I have to hear his voice. I realize that a lof my complaints are of a personal issue, and have to do with my own pride, and it is somehting that I have to work on. But I am not alone in my hate and anger towards him. My biggest complaint is that I do not get yelled at...instead, I get lectured. I can take an ass-chewing and being yelled at just fine. But what I cannot stand is to be lectured on how someone is so better than me. I don't give a fuck that you stay there everyday for 16 hours. You are a fucking moron for doing so. There is nothing that important going on that you stay in there getting off because you respond to emails at a11 o'clock at night. Do you think that anyone cares that you are still at work that late? No. Everyone snickers at you behind your back for stupid when you should be in your room relaxing. Oh, but wait. I forgot. Obviously I have never been deployed, never worked those 14-16 hour days before, and as such, I need to receive lecture after lecture on how the only reason that we out here in iraq is to "work". If I have to stand through another one of his boring ass lectures, I will punch something after he leaves until my fist is covered in blood. He has this better than you attitude that is acceptable for a Cpl or Sgt, but for a SSgt is in no way acceptable. Every day I lose more and more respect for him.

Another problem that I have is that he talks and talks about how we are suppose to be "professionals" and that we need to start acting as such, and then he goes and does so many unprofessional things. He will make snide little remarks here or there that show him being nothing more than a childish boy. A true leader would approach others, instead of being a bitch and hiding behind his typing.

But enough of that. Ray says I am nothing but a whiny bitch, and that all I do is complain and complain. In this area, I am not the only one who has issues, though. I am probably one of the biggest complainers though. Much to my dismay, I complain a little too much these days. It is something that I am working on, but when everyday brings a new problem and a new hassle, it is hard. So very, very hard. In this battle with my own personal demons, I lose ground a bit everyday. I am looking for a firm footing, and doing my best. But I could do more.

The thought for today: As much as I may hate him, I know that I will look back one day and be thankful for all of the pain and hardships. I look back now and notice how much attention to detail I pay to certain things because of my past experiences. I know that I will benefit from this time in "hell" one day, but that day cannot come fast enough.

The word for today: Futility. No chance.

I really do mean to update this more often, but by the time I get to posting, I lose the interest to. This blog has really not turned into what I had imagined it to be. I had intended to use this as a sounding board and a place where I could go and fully express myself. But, I made a big mistake and I posted too many times in anger and "suffering", and I let it get out of hand. Instead of taking a true detachment, instead, I immersed myself in the torments and trials and dwelled way too much on such things. I really think that I have something to bring to the blogging atmosphere, and have fooled myself into thinking that I will be a great writer one day. I just need to work at writing a little more, and not be so dramatic and childish. Funny. I just realized that some of the things that I post are really childish and immature. I guess that it is only natural, as in many ways, over the past two years I have opened my eyes a lot. I was so immature and inexperienced in almost every that it could not help but show here. But, almost three years later, and I can honeslty say that I am ten times more mature and not as stupid as I was.

I am going to start something that will almost force me to make a new post more often. I wanted to start this last year, but I did not keep up with. At the end of every post, I will have my normal thought for the day, but now I will also start to include a word of the day. This section will have one completely random word and definition that sums up my day.

The thought for today: Life has a funny way of working out sometimes. I need to listen to more Elvis Costello.

The word for today: Fiasco; A complete failure.

So, I started taking my two college classes, and yeah, I can tell that this will be prove to be a mistake. I have no doubts that I will complete class without a problem, however, I do not believe that I will be taking any more online classes. I have never put much faith when people talk about the ways people learn (i.e. being a visual or oral learner), but I am beginning to. I thought that I would be better suited to take an online class, that there would be some downloaded videos and different ways to learn. But no, so far there has been none of that. It is all straight up read the book, look at some powerpoints, take some self-assessment tests, and then take the online tests. So far, I am highly unimpressed. Hell I could read books that we have in the shop and get the same amount of knowledge. By taking these classes, I expexted instruction and a little interaction, and all I get is just a book to be read. Suffice it to say, after these two classes, I will not be taking any more online classes. I am ashamed that my resolve is not as tough as I had wanted, but I am not suited for online classes. I am not smart as I want to be, and I need to be taught, not to teach myself.

So far, this deployment is flying by fast. It has taken a while to get adjusted to this deployment, but now that I have, things seem to be going better. Although I am the only one that works on my shift on most days, I still keep at it, plugging away, doing my job. I just wish that I had more time to research some thigs.

The thought for today: I see things that make me stop and take a moment to reflect. I see referneces to the past almost every where I look. It is funny how things fit together in life, how experiences from the past bring forth a distinct impression on the now.

I had the great honor of sitting down to eat breakfast with a 3 Star General the other day. I believe that he came out here just to get an over view of the area and see how things are going. I am not exactly sure who he was as I did not get to see his name before I sat down, but from what we talked about, I get the impression that he works in Quantico and is one of the leaders that make command level decisions for the Marine Corps. I was not the only Marine eating with him, as there were 2 LCpl's, another Cpl, and a Sgt there as well. Of course my CO was there and the base General as well. But it was just a normal breakfast with a very important leader. It was interesting to hear him talk to the other Officers around and the things that they talked about. A lot of it was fire and manuever procedures that I honestly never thought that we as a Regiment would be involved in. Overall, it was a very interesting hour.

The only problem that I have since that morning has been a feeling of impending doom. The last time that I was up close with a General was a year and a half ago. And it was two weeks after that "town hall" meeting with General Pace that I learned of my sister's death. I remember waking that morning and going into work, feeling all the way that something was wrong that day. And then when I was told that I had to go to the Company Office, oh I knew. At the time, I was expecting it to be news about my Grandmother, never expecting that it would be my sister. I remember that dread feeling all too clearly. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach and I was queasy and felt like throwing up. I feel thoat same dread now...and have felt it over the past few days slowly creeping up on me. I sincerely believe that something bad is going to happen. Either with my parents or someone that I know. Nothing that I do gets rid of this feeling.

I have started playing chess with some of the guys in the shop and online. I really, really miss the days that I spent in high school playing chess during my lunch breaks. I have that feeling to go back to the school when I get home and talk to some of my old teachers and play a game of chess with my old chess coach.

The thought for today: Life gets a little better with each passing day and I get closer and closer to my EAS.

Probably the hardest thing to deal with while being deployed is that there is no real escape from the everyday routine. Back in the States, the weekends and the end of the day usually bring that needed time to adjust from the normal stupid shit that I have to deal with. After a hard day or week, I could just hop in my car and drive up North to either the movie theatre or the book store, or just go and drive. Whatever it took to get in a few hours to relax and recharge in order to be ready for the next week. Out here, there is no real way to escape. Everyday is the same, over and over again. Of course there are certain variations that come throughout the day that add a little spice to the days, but overall, it is groundhog day all the time. Some days are better than others sure, but you have to take the good with the bad. And it is funny how some days seem to pass by so quickly and others seem to drag by so slowly. Hours turn into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. I wake up, and seriously wonder where the time goes.

I hate that I am missing so many new movies coming out this year. Of course, anything new that comes out I will be able to watch within a week, but nothing can compare to seeing a movie in a theatre. Before last deployment, I had no clue how torrents worked or how to download movies. Every week new movies would be posted to the share drive, and I would always wonder at how they got them. Of course, I am not so naive now, and I know all about "acquiring" new movies. In case you are not aware, Marines do not steal. We acquire. And of course, the Haji's would always be selling movies in their little shops outside of the chow hall. I used to think that the shitty camcorder recorded movies were special to Iraq, but I have since come to realize that bootleg versions are acutally all over the place and a very very profitable venture. Every now and then we get the occasional DVD quality file of a movie that is still in theatres, but most of the movies are very very bad copies. But I force myself to watch them so that I do not have to wait until the gods know when to view a movie. Iron Man was a pretty good copy, and I just hope that The Dark Knight is a supremely good quality.

The thought for today: When I go to sleep, one of the last thoughts that I have is that of wanting to die. I hate waking and facing the monotony of the day.