Today was an interesting day for me. I had to prepare for the upcoming weeks, so after a few hours of WoW, I spent some time out in town getting some last minute things, and then I sat in front of my computer and surfed the web. I cannot type tonight. I have way too many thoughts going through my head right now.
The thouhgt for today: Every picture looks the same....is it odd that so many people look the same?
I am quitting WoW. I have some things coming up in the next month that will keep me from playing the game, and I have decided that it is better if I just quit now. And plus, I need to start getting my mind ready for the upcoming year, and start focusing on some last minute things that I need to get in order before the deployment. I must say that the one problem that I have had with WoW is my one fear going into the game. I am such a loner that it has been hard for me to play with other people. I have been able to succeed on the small scale, as far as forming groups to do 5 man instances, but have been very unsuccessfull in getting into a guild to Raid and get the better gear. I have been able to get all that gear that a Mage can get without doing the higher raids, but that is like preparing for a day at the beach and then never going. But in the end, it is my fault. I had the chance to get into a good guild (Hell, I was in it) but quit because I was not 70 yet. I hate myself for doing that so much. I should have just stuck it out in that guild and then I would probably not be having the problem that I am now. But oh well. I have had a lot of fun playing the game, but now it is just getting way too tedious. The funny thing is that I regret what I have missed out on. There are so many things that I missed out on because I started playing after The Burning Crusade came out. I have never wished that I had not joined the Marine Corps more than this past year.
The thought for today: /sigh.
I felt something last weekend that I have never felt in my life. I am pretty stable now, and I have no plans of just saying fuck it and ending it all. I have been so depressed over this past year, that I have had no cause to think of the death other than because I was depressed. But last week, I let my mind wander a little bit, and I have found two other reasons why someone would end their lives prematurely. My reason has always been that I am just a depressed loser. But, when I let my mind wander, I see the true darkness that lies beneath the surface. I had this very intense feeling last week of just wanting to escape. I had a feeling that last week would be a pretty tough week, forcing me to rise way above my comfort zone, and put everything that I know to the test. Rather than rise to the occasion, and try to look forward to the challenge ahead, I had this intense want to run away. I did not want to face the week, and wanted to be as far away as I could possibly get. Feeling this, I let my mind wander more, adn I realized that the need to escape can drive any person to the brink. The one thing that came with that escape was a burning question: what is there after this life? That want to answer that question can be so compelling that it leads past that "point of no return". What is there after this life? When it all ends, what happens? When faced with the day to day life, it can sometimes seem better to face that question and seek out the answer. I used to have such strong convictions...but those all went away. In the end, my problem is that I am way too much of a coward to seek out the answers. Not to mention that I am way too complacent. I am kind of curious to see how life will pan out for me in the next few years. I want to just run away so much. Not to end it, but just to be a bum. Life can be too hard, that how much easier is it to just not face the day to day problems. Go from town to town working an odd job here or there. Enough of that talk.
I can feel that escape feeling. I really, really do not want to face the first two weeks in October. Life has finally caught up to me, and I am going to have the worse two weeks that I have had in a long time. I know that dealing with it will make me so much stronger, and I know that I will enter it with an open mind, but oh god how I do not want to. I truly believe that the most trying time in my life is coming up. How fitting that it comes so close to my birthday. One quarter of a century is down. How will this next quarter pass?
The thought for today: I have shownmy worth in some aspects of life. Now it is time for me to step it up and prove that I have earned this Title.
I hid something, thinking that I really did not need to see the content on the dvd. I could have sworn that I copied the movies onto my hard drive...but apparantly I did not. And of course, I cannot find the dvd. Fuck. I just want to watch.
The thought for today: I should have just left it out. I would not have this problem that I am having now. You could send me another one :). No. That is way to much to ask.
I have actually surprised myself this weekend. About two months ago, I bought a ticket for Blizzcon, and even though I had that force in me that did not want to attend, I was able to force myself to go. Actually attending was a huge step for me, as I have lately been prone to chicken out and not go places. Overall, I had very good time. I met up with some of the people that Zach used to play with on Coilfang, and I was actually able to converse with them and have a good time. After the costume contest Friday night, we decided (make that they decided, as I wanted to leave so bad) to go to a restaurant, specifically The House of Blues. After about 45 minutes, and a mile if walking, we finally found the place, tucked away inside of an outdoor mall right near Disneyland. The thing that caught my attention the most was the fact that there were so many kids out and about. Disneyland was closing about the time that we arrived, in fact, we watched the fireworks as we left the convention hall, and for being midnight, there were a ton of kids running around. We ended up waiting about 20 minutes at the House, and then some random guy invited us to the ESPN zone, saying that he had a group of BLizzcon attendees and they would hold a table for us. So, we got up and went over there....which meant that they were just at the bar, and we had to wait another 20 minutes for a table lol. But no biggie, as we were having a good time talking to each other and what not. The main thing that sucked about the drive back to base, about a 45 minute drive, is that there was an accident, and just 5 miles from base, and it took me an hour and a half to get to base. That sucked for two reasons. One, I fucking hate traffic. And two, well, I was a little tired, and I pretty much almost crashed about 4 or 5 times. It is an odd feeling driving along the road having a good sense of what is going on, and then in the blink of an eye, not really knowing how the last 100 to 200 yards passed you by. Very disconcerting.
So, against my inner want, I made the trip for a second day to Blizzcon. Again, I was a little impressed with how much I enjoyed the day. We again met up with the people from the day before, and had a good time overall. Around 4 we had had enough, and after some pictures, we headed on out. We had planned on watching a movie, but that did not work out too well, and after an hour at the mall, called it a day and came back to the Barracks.
Now onto the main event. I have two key things that I want to touch on about this weekend. The first one will not be all to surprising, but I have a new outlook on it, and so it is not so much a depressing whine (Ray says that all I ever do is whine and complain...I know that he is right) as much as it is a contented realization. So, I finally have come to terms with why it is so hard for me to go out and mingle with people. No matter how hard I try, every woman who is short and has curly hair (whether it is blond or brunette) reminds me of her, just as every woman who fits that image that I have stuck in my mind, reminds me of the other her. It is not so much that I look around and despair at what I see, but I just cannot force myself to concentrate on any other thing besides the two Goddesses that I want to see. There is a part of me that is begging for that chance encounter, and that holds out for something, make that anything, to happen. I have noticed this before when I go out, but it has never been this bad. But, being around hundreds and hundreds of people, and seeing images of my Goddesses, it only served to drive the point home. I wonder how other people cope. Especially people who have had committed relationships and have lost so much more than I have. I mean truth be told, I have had nothing lost but just a broken dream and glimmer of desire and need. I have never had any truly invested in anything to ever really lose much. And that fact just makes things so much harder. Because why can I not shut my mind off, and why do I inspect every woman that walks by and after every face see those images? Truth be told, I do not see the image that I knew so much as the image that I have implanted in my mind. I tend to lose memory of faces and experiences, and so I know that what I imagine I see is not at all what is real. A very disconcerting thought. But, one thing that I have learned from this weekend, is that I still have some things to settle within myself, not so much with coming to terms with things, as much as it is being able to shut off my mind. I need to turn off that part of me that is always looking and hoping. Maybe another year of Iraq will solve the the problem.
Moving on. I am a voyeur. I cannot state that enough. I love to sit back and watch people, and wish that I could be a fly so many times just so I can fly where I want to and really be a voyeur. At Blizzcon, they had these computers set up to where you could play WoW or other games, just to test the computers out. A lot of people would get on and play WoW without regard to anyone around them and just go do there thing. Well, Zach waited in line so that he could hop on and show the people from Coilfang is character. While he was waiting, this woman (and yes, she reminded me a lot of a certain goddess) got on and was not even playing, but just chatting with her ex-boyfriend. Well, lucky for me, I just happened to be in line behind her, and the voyeur in me had a front row seat to some eavesdropping. I had no real regard, as she chose to do this in a public place with people all around her, so to me, it was easy to justify being an ass and laughing at what I was reading. Of course, she tried to hide the text screen and what not, but I was able to get my fill and read what she was typing and what was being sent to her. If anything, I got my thirst whetted for voyeurism yesterday. I do not know why, but there is a part of me that begs to look into people's lives, to see what they do, and try to figure why they do. I am almost tempted to start making little mini cameras and microphones that I can put on people as they walk on by. Of course, it is mainly only women that I am interested in. I have everything that is needed to be a stalker and a serial killer. Just not the guts and the insanity. But the desire and need is surely there.
The thought fot today: Spending every weekend in October watching the entrance to Disneyland is not too creepy is it? Maybe I will get a job there, so that way I would have a legit reason if, if, I actually see the Wild Rose and Sun. I forgot about that...the Sun is really what reminds me of her. There are way too many blond 5 year old girls running around.
I am pretty sure that I will have a hard time sleeping tonight. I have a whole world at my fingertips, and I am bored. This is definitely an odd feeling. Thrill seeking to get that high. When standing upon that cliff's edge, that second right before...is there another moment in life that gets you as high? I have not found it yet.
I have a question here or there, and wish, oh how I wish, I could go back in time. There comes that point of no return, and yet the other out is still always there.
Okay, enough of the cryptic righting for tonight. I am truly a bad friend. I have not talked with anyone from back home in about 5 months. Since I have returned back to California from leave, it is as if there is a wall that is there. A wall that I put up myself true, but it is just like I stopped wanting to communicate with them. I do not truly know why that is. I waste sio much of my time anymore. I have had one of the hardest times adjusting to life since I got back from Iraq. Goddamn it. How long will I continue to use that as my excuse? For a whole year, all that I did was go bust my ass for about 13 hours a day, and then go to my trailer and lay down and watch movies and television shows. A whole year of no productivity, and I miss it. Now that I have the time and ability to do what I want, I miss that lack of freedom. It pains me to spend so much time in my room playing on a fucking computer, and yet, I know that I cannot do anything else. Things are so much more simple when you have no choice in what you can do on your time off.
The thought for today: I truly sigh because I know...deep down I know. I will never have what I truly want out of life, and when the end comes for me, I will be a broken shell of a man, who reminisces about what might have been and never truly moves on. Desire has too much of a hold over me. I should neve, never have dared to hope and dream. I think that it was all in the timing. Wistful sigh, close my eyes, and dream about the rain and the drive away.
For the last two nights, I have had some very disturbing thoughts when I lay down in my bed. I see the end of it all, and I am scared. I look out, and truly wonder what is there once we die. Where do we go? What do we see? Is it truly the end, with nothing left for us? Do we just stop being, and there is nothing more than a vast emptiness? Or is there more, and if there is, what do you have to do to achieve that final rest? I will no longer bow down to an arrogant bastard who rules the skies. The reason I stopped wanting to be a priest was one very simple reason: I asked to be spokend to, and received nothing. I have come to hate, HATE, the idea of faith and holding to that something unseen. I need proof before I waist my life holding to beliefs. But yet, I am taking a big chance. What if I am wrong? I have cursed him enough throughout the past two years (so much more this past year) that there is no way I could ever go crawling back, and probably no way I would ever be accepted back. And so, I have cast my lot in with the common masses. So what, then, is there left for me? At the end, being a vagabond as I am, I can petition to entry if he is there, and so will spen an eternity in Hell. I do not think that it matters if I lead a "good" life, never trying to intentionally harm anyone, doing good for the world. I think that in the end, it comes down to him asking me how I honored him in my life. You know what? Fuck him. If I cannot gain entry for being a decent human being, well then he can go fuck himself. I will not bow down before him just so he can get a hard on.
The thought for today: I see the darkness and I cringe. I am such an ass to people that it is a wonder that I even have friends. I fear that I am pushing the boundaries a little too much. Before I know it, I truly will be alone and if think that I was depressed before, a loss of friends will make me end it all.
Everything has now changed. It is funny what one little stripe will do to a person. But then again, maybe it is not so much that person as much as it is my perception of that person. I am always quick to fall into that bitch role, it just comes naturally to me. And so when change occurs, it is so much simpler to just shut people out. To me, it is easier that way, and we all know that I take the easy way out. So things change.
The thought for today: Silence is all that I have to offer now. Not anger...I need to get away from that face. But just simply silence and and that great sigh. I need to be Eeyore, or whatever the fuck the donkey's name is in Pooh. Show no joy, and just mope around. But, above all, I need to alienate myself from everyone, so that way, they all leave me the fuck alone and do not bother me.
I think that I am suffering from PTSD. I know that it sounds stupid for me to even say that, and I really do feel strange saying it, but I have not been able to adjust to life back in the States at all. I need to amend that statement. It is not PTSD that I am suffering from as much as it is a simple failure to adjust. You think that it would be a simple transition. I know that there are things that I have to do now that I am back in the States, but then in the back of my mind is the fact that I am going to be deploying again within the next year, and all the stupid bullshit that I have to face on a daily basis just does not seem to matter. I WANT TO FUCKING GO BACK. In the end, I believe that it is as simple as me being lazy. Iraq was such a much more relaxed atmosphere, that while at the time I hated it, I have since come to realize that my life out there was a pretty good one. There was a structure to it and although I had to work insane ass hours, and the only enjoyment I gained was from going back to the trailer and watching movies, there was a certain flair to that life that I genuinely miss.
And what is life like now in the States? Unlike in Iraq, I really have no job here. Instead of going in everyday and having to fix this computer or that computer, or going to install this program or that, my days are now filled with stupid bullshit site counts that really make me question why I have not slit my wrists yet. I am not an administrator on the network that we have now, and the only time that I will actually get to be an administrator is when I am back in Iraq. And so, since there is no network that needs to be run, there is a lot of stupid shit that comes up that "needs" to be done. But, more and more, I am beginning to realize that everything that I am doing is simply fill in work, and is pointless, and will never amount to anything worthwhile. Do you have any clue how depressing it is to wake up everyday and go to work and feel like what you are doing is pointless? It is like I am Prometheus and I am stuck rolling the rock up the hill, only to have it roll right back down again. And the worst part about my life right now is that I am back to working 11 hour days. I call it a lack of leadership as well as a lack of knowing how to manage. I will shut up here just because.
I have taken to complaining more and more. Every stupid thing that happens, every little nuance that pisses me off, I will complain about. I see so much that is handled wrong that I cannot help but stay in a constantly lamenting state of mind. And I guess that it does not help that I genuinely hate those around me. Things have definitely changed since Iraq, and while I have not adjusted to that, other people have, and I cannot stand them. I never really thought that things would be this different, or people such arrogant assholes, or immature fucktards, but apparantly it has happened.
I should have internet installed in my room tomorrow, which will make my down time a little more relaxing.
The thought for today: I am determined to go hiking this weekend. I am going to get over this block that has me couped up in my room, and I will get out there this weekend to do some hiking. I am even thinking of finding a place to camp out for the night. A night out in Nature is just what I need this weekend. Hell, I wish that I could do that during the week. I will have to look into that.
